The Official Cranberries Fanblog

40 Disney Attractions: 24

2011-11-09T11:56:00.002-05:00

"Two tiny wings/Eyes big and yellow/Horns of a steer/But a loveable fellow/From head to tail, he's royal purple pigment/And there, voila, you've got a Figment"

24. Journey into Imagination

Topped with giant stupid triangles, Epcot's Imagination Pavilion has been the home of Journey into Imagination since the ride opened in 1983. In its original incarnation, the ride's omnimover vehicles come across a giant blimp flying in the sky, the ride of choice for the Dreamfinder. Turns out the blimp can collect dreams and ideas to be placed in the Dreamport.

Assissting Dreamfinder is a small, purple, dragonish creature that is the literal figment of imagination, aptly named Figment(voiced by famous little person Billy Barty). Traveling through the Dreamfinder's storage room, the ride journeys past a number of rooms, experiencing how art, science, literature, performing arts and music can influence the power of imagination. Making it to the Dreamport, riders disembark as Dreamfinder explains how imagination is the key to unlocking the hidden wonders of the world.

Then Disney shut it down and screwed the whole thing up.

Following a year long renovation, the ride reopened as Journey into YOUR Imagination and featured a couple changes. First of all, the ride location now takes place in the Imagination Institute, a facility dedicated to studying imagination's power(also where the then-next-door Honey I Shrunk the Audience took place). Second, neither the Dreamfinder nor Figment are to be found, instead replaced by the Institute's head, Dr. Nigel Channing(Eric Idle). Channing, utilizing a new invention called the Imagination Scanner, discovers that the riders have literally no imagination, so he sends you through a bunch of rooms and blah blah blah your imagination is now supercharged and the scanner explodes. Surprisingly, this version sucked hard, so the ride shut down once more.

Only to reopen for the currently last time, now Channing is still the head of the Institute, but now plays the studious English foil to the wacky and fun-loving Figment(now voiced by Bunsen Honeydew/Gonzo muppeteer Dave Goelz). As Channing shows the guests through an open house, showcasing the five senses' influence on imagination, Figment interrupts at every turn, turning a boring open house into an exhibition on the magic of imagination. Eventually, Channing relents and realizes the Figment is correct in believing the imagination should be set free.

As much as people get mad at the changes made to the new Imagination ride compared to the original, I love it. It's kind of great to see a juxtaposition between the free Figment and the stuffy Channing. People just want everything to be the same as it was before, but it's funny how perception works sometimes. And imagination plays a big part in that.

40 Disney Attractions: 25

2011-10-20T10:04:00.003-04:00

At the end of Hollywood Boulevard, the glitzy neon-encrusted Main Street surrogate for Hollywood Studios, sits the Chinese Theater. Decorated outside with the hand and footprints of folks like Jim Henson, Neil Diamond and George Lucas, the Theater(missing the Grauman's title since it was denied rights to use it) houses a display of movie items and, further in, sits a huge movie screen showing a number of trailers(slightly condensed), among them Alien, Singing in the Rain and Raiders of the Lost Ark. All in all, it's a pretty cute little tribute to Hollywood but could never really facilitate an actual r

"Hold onto your wallets and purses, folks. This looks like a bad neighborhood."

25. The Great Movie Ride

All of a sudden, the doors swing open, revealing a 1930s soundstage sitting inside the old Chinese Theater. In truth, as your tour guide reveals, this setting serves as the beginning of a tour through the movies. Not a look at sets or behind-the-scenes nonsense, a tour that literally takes you physically through famous films(or audio-animatronic equivalents). Beginning in the musicals, the ride vehicle travels past Busby Berkley's Footlight Parade and a lamppost-swinging Gene Kelly singing in the rain before passing under the rooftops of London as Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke sing Chim Chim Cheree.

From the top of London to the Underworld, the tour continues into the 1930s Chicago of the classic gangster films of years gone by. Passing by James Cagney's Tom Powers in a scene from The Public Enemy, the vehicle is halted by a traffic light, currently red, above a train tunnel. As your tour guide embarks to speak to someone about it(instead of just waiting), they are immediately met with a trio of mobsters(one real, the other two being animatronic) and, as the cops descend on the crime scene, mob boss Mugsy hijacks the car, leaving his team(and the tour guide) for pig feed and holding everyone on board hostage. But first a quick ride into the Old West, where John Wayne and Clint Eastwood warn you of what waits ahead, something the captor doesn't pay mind to. Moving past a saloon shootout, the tour enters the dingy, near dead Nostromo starship(which Mugsy mistakes for Jersey). Nervous, Mugsy speeds by scenes of the Alien popping out, trying to attack, while Sigourney Weaver's Ripley waits in the shadows with a flamethrower.

Moving through a snake-infested temple, the ride finds Indiana Jones and Sallah lifting the Ark of the Covenant out of the tomb before turning a corner to find the TEMPLE OF ANUBIS, home of a MYSTERIOUS JEWEL. Seeing an opportunity to Get Paid, Mugsy ascends the TEMPLE OF ANUBIS steps before being stopped by a temple guard who warns to not touch the MYSTERIOUS JEWEL or else face DIRE CONSEQUENCES, which Mugsy obviously ignores, touching the MYSTERIOUS JEWEL and turning into A SKELETON. The temple guard drops their robe and ~~that's when things get sexy~~ it turns out it's the tour guide! Back on track, the ride passes Mickey Mouse as the sorcerer's apprentice, Rick and Ilsa saying their goodbyes, and Tarzan, King of the Jungle, swinging across the jungle, before finally stopping in Munchkinland.

As the Munchkins welcome you to the merry old land of Oz, the Wicked Witch poofs in, accusing the tour guide of killing her sister before poofing away again after delivering empty threats. Not knowing how to continue, the Munchkins pop back up, realizing a song cue, and sing to follow the Yellow Brick Road. Leading past Dorothy and her crew standing in front of the Emerald City, the road ends in a giant theater which shows a grand finale three minute montage of classic film moments, before ending back up at the soundstage.

The Great Movie Ride is a pretty cute and entertaining blend of live action and robots coming together, something rare at Walt Disney World and it creates a really nice atmosphere to all of Hollywood Studios as the entrance ride to a world of fantastical cinema magic.

40 Disney Attractions: 26

2011-10-17T11:13:00.004-04:00

"When you hear the words 'Go for launch,' you'll definitely want to hang on."

26. Mission: SPACE

BOOM what up America, welcome to the future! Literally welcome to the future, because the former home of Horizons is now the International Space Training Center in the year 2036. On this, the 75th anniversary of manned spaceflight, NASA plans to shoot astronauts to Mars for the first time. And y'all are trainees for the X-2 Deep Space shuttle.

After a video starring Gary Sinise hell yes, all trainees are put in groups of four and sent to the fake shuttles for training. Here, each member is assigned a crew position and tasked with pressing a certain button when the time comes. Sure, there are other buttons on the console but they will do nothing and may God help you if you do not push that damned button. Naw, just joking, the ship's auto-pilot will get it if you don't, but you'll look like an unfun jerk.

Following a shaky lift-off, your virtual vehicle slingshots around the moon for that extra push before dropping you into hyperfuturesleep so they have an excuse for the short trip from Earth to Mars. Obviously, since this is a training exercise there are also multiple DRAMATIC PROBLEMS to enhance the drama, but of course those are solved easily, usually with buttons.

In truth, it's just a glorified 2.5 g-force centrifuge mixed with video of space travel, but what makes Mission Space so thrilling is how close to reality it is to actual training. And by that, I mean, a lot of people puked a lot on it to the point that they actually had to create a second, half-throttle version of the ride for people who still like the idea of maybe barfing, but not also possibly having a heart attack.

AND OUR DESTINY
BEGINS WITH YOU AND ME
THROUGH ALL SPACE AND TIME
THE ACHIEVEMENT OF MANKIND
AS WE SAIL THE SEA
OF DISCOVERY
ON HEROES' WINGS WE FLY

40 Disney Attractions: 27

2011-10-14T14:04:00.003-04:00

"Hang on to them hats and glasses! 'Cause this here is the wildest ride in the wilderness!"

27. Big Thunder Mountain Railroad

Once upon a time in the American Southwest, specifically a small mining town known as Tumbleweed, gold was discovered in and around the mountain just outside the town. Overnight, Tumbleweed became a prosperous Gold Rush area, with trains built around the mountain to transport ore.

Due to the desecration of the mountain(and a Native American curse), a flash flood destroyed most of the town's livelihood, leaving it to be abandoned for years. That is until folks wandering found that the trains traversing the mountains have been running constantly all this time without an engineer or crew to be found. Somehow people thought this would make a good tourist destination and the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad was born in little Tumbleweed, offering visitors a chance to ride a possessed train around an entirely unstable mining camp located inside a mountain. Cool ideas. Awesome.

Out of the three mountains in the Magic Kingdom, Big Thunder Mountain is probably the most exciting and yet the most overlooked. It's the fastest, going 30 mph, it's got the most atmosphere and story to it, but it tends to be pushed aside for flying in the dark and getting all wet. It's the most conventional roller coaster in Walt Disney World and that's most likely where it goes wrong, because it's an old fashioned roller coaster in an amusement park that rewrote the book on amusement parks.

40 Disney Attractions: 28

2011-10-08T14:05:00.005-04:00

"You are not the first to pass this way...nor shall you be the last"

28. Maelstrom

Hei og velkommen til Norge! Displaying a traditional Stave church and a number of interconnected shops in four styles of Norwegian architecture, the Norway pavilion is more than just about the viking. It's also about................................................................trolls. Vikings and trolls. And a storybook buffet.

REGARDLESS, the main attraction of the most recent addition(built in 1988) to the World Showcase is really the closest thing to a thrill ride here. And considering the only other ride is the Three Caballeros Small Mexican World Adventure, it's nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnot saying much. Originally a ride exclusively about trolls, the Norwegian sponsors asked they include other aspects of Norway.

Aboard a Viking ship, the boat slowly climbs a ramp, the guests' view staring directly into the eye of Odin, as he(or possibly someone else???) speaks of the history of Norway. Passing by scenes of early Norwegian villages and Vikings sailing the seas, Maybe-Odin tells of how the myths and legends of trolls living in the swamps still live on to this day.

Leading obviously into a troll-infested swamp, an enraged three-headed troll casts a spell on the boat, sending it backwards over the falls. The falls, if you don't know, are featured outside the ride and look like this:

It's not really a huge drop, but the pool isn't really deep, so it would cause some problems.

Rushing past scenes of puffins and polar bears(??????), the boat slowly inches towards the falls, ready to plunge you into the outside, before......I dunno, the spell wears off or something? The boat turns around, only to reveal a bigger drop right into the North Sea. Falling fast, the ride drops you into a stormy sea, surrounded by massive oil rigs. Finally the boat pulls into the dock of a modern fishing village, as Possibly-But-Maybe-Not-Odin declares the spirit of Norway was, is and always will be adventure.

Then you watch a short film about modern(1988) Norway. Or you don't, because the doors are open and you can just walk right past, walking in front of everyone like a rude jerk(which is what I do). Then you go into all the shops and that's the Maelstrom.

There are no ducks on this ride.

40 Disney Attractions: 29

2011-10-06T09:26:00.002-04:00

"If something can't be done with X-S, then it shouldn't be done at all."

29. ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter

To your farthest right upon entering the Magic Kingdom is Tomorrowland is, quite obviously, a world of tomorrow. Not a true future, but the idealized future we all knew as children. A world of flying cars and daily trips to the furthest reaches of outer space. Walt Disney World's Tomorrowland is, visually, most inspired by the pre-World War 2 retrofuturism seen in works like Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon. In keeping with the imagery, Tomorrowland is ostensibly presented as a huge spaceport, complete with conference centers and a metroliner looping around the entire area.

A former sponsor of the Tomorrowland convention center, X-S Tech once presented a demonstration of their new transportation technology. You're given a quick example of what's to come in the pre-show as the Simulated Intelligence Robots(you may call him SIR) shows off the teleporter with the help of a cutesy little alien named Skippy. Of course, once Skippy emerges from the other side, he's completely charred to a crisp and disoriented, so maybe a few bugs need to be worked out.

Entering the main hall(with the towering teleportation tube sitting in the middle), visitors are strapped into their chairs with harnesses and are presented with a live feed from across the galaxy to X-S Tech. Here, chairman L.C. Clench and two employees, Spinlok and Dr. Femus, plan to present their new technology by transporting a single guest to X-S HQ. At least until Clench has the idea that, instead of transporting one person to meet them, he'll transport himself to meet everyone in Tomorrowland. Between the change of plans and the testy Clench's general lack of patience, the signal is WHOOPS accidentally diverted to a different planet, sooooooooooooooooooooo instead of Clench coming down, now it's a massive, winged HR Giger wet dream(although legally different from HR Giger's works and a completely original creation).

Almost predictably, the lights start to freak out until quick flashes of light reveal a shattered and completely empty teleportation tube. The monster is loose in the theater and, judging by how it handled that maintenance worker(as in pulling him into the air ducts and spilling his blood on you), it's not a vegan. But before you're made into an alien's lunch, Spinlok and Femus somehow get the beast to return to his home planet. You're freed from your harnesses as the two technicians continue their search for the now missing Clench.

With positional audio, the use of hot, moist air and the seats actually pressing down on you, the ride uses fairly simple effects to simulate everything from the alien breathing down your neck to slapping you in the head to even licking you. Futurehorror where you're tortured by an alien and you can't even move. For a Disney ride, this is dark as all get out.

40 Disney Attractions: 30

2011-10-01T12:06:00.003-04:00

"¿Dónde está Donald?"

30. Gran Fiesta Tour starring the Three Caballeros

World Showcase's Mexico pavilion is a pretty interesting venue. Modeled on a Mesoamerican pyramid, the outside is merely a facade for the huge colonial marketplace that sits inside, always under the night sky.

Prior to 2007, Mexico had a ride that was a cute, if plain, boat ride through the country called El Rio del Tiempo. This was a thing for 25 years until someone at Disney realized that they had their own Latin American cartoon characters to use. Their really awesome Latin American cartoon characters that they never use ever and really really should more often.

Preparing to put on a show for the guest, Jose Carioca the Brazilian parrot and Panchito Pistoles the Mexican rooster have discovered that their third member, Donald Duck, has gone missing. Using Panchito's flying serape, the duo travel across Mexico searching for the sightseeing Donald, before finally catching him doing what he does best(aside from getting angry or sounding like he's got a popcorn kernel stuck in his throat): trying to hit on some hot babes. Donald really loves babes. With the Three Caballeros together again, they finally perform their open air concert beneath a myriad of fireworks.

Short and sweet, the Gran Fiesta Tour is a simple quick ride that's just pretty cute and fun. Plus it has the Three Caballeros and they are the best.

OH HEY

2011-09-28T13:40:00.003-04:00

If you like hearing me talk endlessly about Disney, I'm working on a project wherein I talk about every Disney Animation Studios feature film.

You can find it right here!

40 Disney Attractions: 31

2011-09-28T08:43:00.003-04:00

"I almost bounced clear out of the ride!"

31. The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

Following the success of 1977's Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh movie, the Imagineers at Disneyland thought it would be a good idea to make a ride out of the chubby little cubby's exploits in the soon-to-be revamped Fantasyland in Anaheim. Finally, when Fantasyland reopened in 1983, there it was: no ride. In fact it would take another 16 years before a Pooh Bear ride would be created. Oddly, the Disney World Fantasyland(where the ride was first opened) had enough space for a couple more attractions, yet they instead chose to replace an existing attraction: Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

But we're not talking about that ride yet! It's fatty's time to shine. A general dark ride, Winnie the Pooh takes guests in a hunny pot through Pooh's meta-storybook world. Despite its title promising Many Adventures, it mainly focuses on the events which unfold on a particularly blustery Windsday in the Hundred Acre Wood. Driving past scenes of chaos like Piglet hanging onto a broom for dear life and Kanga trying to keep Roo from flying away, the pot heads deeper into the woods before getting ambushed by Tigger, who invites you to bounce with him. Which, of course, your pot proceeds to do along the track until you come upon Tigger pounced atop Pooh Bear, telling him all about the dangers of Heffalumps and Woozles.

What proceeds is a probably my favorite part of the ride. As Pooh Bear dreams of the hunny-stealing creatures(with a ghostly version of his body lifting into the sky, thanks to Pepper's Ghost), the doors open into a bizarre blacklighted bastarized funhouse. 2-Dimensional Heffalumps and Woozles dance around, Jack-in-the-Box Woozles pop out of their boxes and a giant Heffalump blows smoke rings right in your face from his trunk. Exiting through a water can pouring rain over a hunny pot, the scene turns into a flooded Hundred Acre Wood, with thunder and lightning going off in the background. As everyone tries to rescue Piglet from floating away, the ride vehicle itself floats around(a move achieved by having the vehicle move in all directions at a steady speed). In the final scene, everyone is enjoying a party in celebration of the end of the flood. Everyone, that is, with the exception of Pooh, who has happily stumbled upon a huge hunny stash next to the end of the ride.

As lame as it is that Mr. Toad is no more, Pooh is, personally, a welcome replacement. It's cute and fun and that's what should matter. A lot of people get really mad when things are replaced by other things, but the parks were always meant to be constantly changing so that it would never be dated. Just because you liked a ride as a kid, doesn't mean it should remain that way. The park isn't meant to just cater to you or your kid or any other one individual. It's for everyone.

So quit your complaining, you chump!

40 Disney Attractions: 32

2011-09-27T10:49:00.002-04:00

"Roger Simba One"

32. Kilimanjaro Safaris

Salamu and welcome to Africa! Once a Dutch settlement, the small East African village of Harambe became self-governing entity following a peaceful revolution in 1963. Since then, much of Harambe has been devoted to protecting and learning of the wildlife in the area. Tourists and students both travel to Harambe to view observe Africa's animals in their naural habitats via both the Pangani Forest Exploration Trail and the Harambe Wildlife Preserve, where they can tour the area thanks to the Kilimanjaro Safari Tours.

Arranged by Preserve warden Wilson Matua, the two-week safari tour allows guests to safely explore the Ituri forest, Safi River valley and Serengeti Savana, among others. Aboard the Simba One(simba is swahili for lion, you jerks), guests are offered a look at a number of native creatures, among them lions, elephants and zebras. While there's a few dangerous moments, mainly driving on a rickety bridge over crocodile infested waters, the tour goes fairly smoothly. At least until Matua spots a couple poachers lurking in the preserve. With your guide as the closest available ride to the poachers, the vehicle races to stop them from shooting mother elephant Big Red and taking her child. Will you get there in time?(Yes you will).

Even without the added factor of action, Kilimanjaro Safaris is a relaxing ride with the bonus of getting a close look at animals interacting in their natural habitat(which is why the ride closes in the late afternoon or else all the animals would just be sleepin).

40 Disney Attractions: 33

2011-09-27T10:07:00.003-04:00

"Our journey begins as dramatic and sudden changes are sweeping over the land."

33. Living with the Land

While the east side of Epcot's Future World focuses on the technological sciences, the west side is more natural. A look at how we can live in harmony with our planet and how we can harness the power of imagination to do it. The centerpiece of this side is The Land, a two story building that houses three attractions, two restaurants and much of the entire resort's produce production facility. Less of a ride, more of a tour, Living with the Land takes you on a boat ride through that facility.

Starting in a series of setpieces depicting different climate areas, the ride explains how man and animal has been able to adapt and live within the area or modifying it to fit our purposes without harming it. Soon after, the ride opens out into the greenhouse within The Land. Here is where the park's "living laboratory" resides, exploring the future of agriculture. All the plants are grown using hydroponics(the plants are grown in sand, perlite, coconut coir and rockwood).

While the majority of areas seem like regular greenhouses, most have something special about them. The Aquacell practices safe fish farming, housing high and low-denisty tanks and tubes to store everything from shrimp to alligator to bass. The String Greenhouse focuses on a number of innovative techniques, such as Nutrient film, which recycles plant nutrients for the plants themselves, and "vertical growing" which is exactly what it sounds like.

Before departing the ride, the boat takes you through the Creative Greenhouse, which explores future ways to make and preserve plants and vegetables. All plants here are grown via Aeroponics, which suspend the plant in the air and spray the (sometimes exposed) roots with a mist of water and nutrients. Also housed in this area is the biotechnology labs of the living laboratory, where several USDA scientists reside to research crop improvement, as well as a pest management lab which handles a number of beneficial insects used to deal with pests that would be harmful to the plants.

Disney is known for its seriousness in keeping the visage of the park intact, making sure characters don't walk in the wrong areas or maintenance can't be seen. Heck, that's the entire reason the Magic Kingdom has the underground Utilidoors, to take cast members from one side of the park to the other without being seen. What makes Living with the Land so cool and special is that this is the closest to a backstage pass most of us will really get.

40 Disney Attractions: 34

2011-09-27T09:13:00.003-04:00

"Did he just say 'action'?"

34. Studio Backlot Tour

Hollywood Studios is dedicated to the Hollywood of old. Not the one in California, but the one in our minds. A Hollywood where the streets are paved with gold and the famous never grow old, a place that never was, yet always will be.

Originally the Disney-MGM Studios, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer allowed their name to be used and helped fund the park until they realized Disney were violating their contract by building a working studio in the park and they sued with Disney filing a countersuit due to MGM opening a theme park in Vegas. A judge eventually decided that both were allowed to do what they want and it wasn't until 2008 that Disney changed its name to Disney's Hollywood Studios.

Like a movie studio, the park has multiple areas that blend into each other as a mass of streets. It can sometimes be a bit confusing to traverse but it's easy to get used to. The other real con is a lot of the attractions are spaced out/are shows, so there aren't too many rides around the park, leaving it sometimes feeling a little empty. Like, most parks might take a whole day or more to really explore, but this one feels like half a day. Luckily, most of the rides here are worth the visit.

Fittingly located in the one area that really looks like the other side of the studio, the Studio Backlot Tour is exactly what it sounds like: a tram ride through the backlot area of the studio, beginning at first in a standing show area based around special effects(explained by a pre-taped Michael Bay). Filming the fictional "Harbor Attack," a couple "special volunteers"(usually found by asking guests at the entrance if they'd like to skip the line) are put in the place of stuntmen and are rocked by explosions and doused in water(one unlucky guest in the "engine room" is overcome by a massive deluge of water), before the scenes are put together, with the final result being shown to the audience. After a brief queue through a prop room, the tram ride really begins.

The tram takes you through a number of sights, among them the Earful Tower(a water tower that used to be the park's symbol), the costumes building and a vehicle boneyard featuring everything from Herbie the Love Bug to Judge Doom's steamroller to the escape pod from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The tour climaxes at a movie set that is currently being used for filming, but the crew is on break right now so it's no big d if we check it out. Too bad Catastrophe Canyon begins filming during the tram's stop. Suddenly the whole area shakes, the fuel truck EXPLODES IN A MASSIVE FIREBALL and the whole canyon floods, with the tram at the end of the flood's path. Just because you didn't participate in Harbor Attack doesn't mean you get out of getting soaked.

Following the big finish, the tram goes around the set and explains how this movie magic was made(it involves water and fire). Tram moves towards the end and you can walk through a building and look at an AFI gallery of the greatest movie villains(look it's the Alien costume oh boyyyyy) and that's it. Tram end. It's probably the closest thing to a Universal-style "behind the scenes" thing in the park.

40 Disney Attractions: 35

2011-09-17T10:21:00.003-04:00

"I tend to get hungry after a couple billion years"

35. Ellen's Energy Adventure

Initially a serious film with a short interlude of riding through a scene of robot dinosaurs, the whole thing got turned around in the mid-90's. Gone was the serious film, replaced by a film where Ellen Degeneres, after having a discussion about energy with her neighbor Bill Nye(wha), falls asleep while watching an old rival compete on Jeopardy. Since this a bizarre sitcom world where no one locks their doors and Ellen Degeneres lives next door to Bill Nye, she subsequently dreams about being on an energy-themed episode of Jeopardy against Albert Einstein and rival Judy Peterson(played by Jamie Lee Curtis). The dream, quite predictably, turns into a nightmare in the first round since Ellen knows jack about energy, so Bill Nye takes Ellen to the beginning of time and shows her just How Important Energy Is.

At the point the whole theater moves into the "Moving Theater" portion. After a segment where Bill and Ellen literally see the Big Bang, they're suddenly in the middle of a prehistoric jungle. That's where the animatronic dinos come into play. So the moving theaters turn around and travel through a couple scenes with dinosaurs. These dinos:

These scenes are basically the same as the one from Universe of Energy, except they put in an animatronic Ellen hiding and trying to fight off said dinosaurs. That's about it. Then it's back into another damn theater, this time a caveman(Kramer) discovers fire and sets off the history of man controlling energy in a quick montage. In a very forward-thinking moment, Bill and Ellen then discuss the future of energy, among them wind and solar power(the Universe of Energy building itself was actually an innovation in solar energy as its roof is made up of around 80,000 photovoltaic solar cells that partly power the entire ride).

You can see where Ellen's dream goes from here. She returns in the second round of Jeopardy and does really well and wins. Then Ellen pretty much tells you to get the hell out.

This ride hasn't been changed since 1996.

40 Disney Attractions: 36

2011-09-09T15:57:00.006-04:00

"C'mon, everybody. Here we goooo!"

36. Peter Pan's Flight

Fantasyland, more than any other section in the Magic Kingdom, the place where dreams come true, regardless of whether or not you wish upon a star. While Disneyland's version is modeled on an old-thyme Bavarian village, Disney World's is modeled on a renaissance Fantasie Faire, mainly out of necessity. Florida is pretty rainy a lot so there needs to be a lot of coverings to make sure the rides don't get all rained up. Currently at the Magic Kingdom, things are a little cramped, seeing as Fantasyland is going through a full-on facelift adding huge areas devoted to the princesses and adding a second Dumbo ride.

Probably the most common ride at Disney theme parks is the "dark ride". Dark rides are indoor attractions where vehicles travel through specially-lit scenes containing music, sound, animation, etc.

Peter Pan's Flight is a fairly traditional dark ride with one caveat. It's the only dark ride with a suspended ride vehicle. Instead of traveling on an Omnimover track on the floor, the vehicles(modeled after the flying galleon at the end of the film) travel with an overhead thingy to "simulate" """"flight""". From there though, it's pretty straightforward. You travel through all the big scenes from Peter Pan: Pete arriving in the Darling home, flying over London, the sword fight, all that good stuff.

The thing that always confused me is how popular the dang thing is. Wait times can go up to over an hour, even if it feels shorter thanks to the efficient Omnimover system. It's a normal, short dark ride and yet people go nuts over it? Maybe that's not it, maybe it's just that it's a super quick ride and it gives folks something to do before they go eat a burger at Liberty Tree Tavern(located adjacent to beautiful Gracey Manor). Who knows?

More importantly, who cares. It's fun.

40 Disney Attractions: 37

2011-09-01T09:19:00.006-04:00

"Expedition Everest team members should proceed to the loading platform."

37. Expedition Everest

Disney's Animal Kingdom is just as the name implies. It's an animal kingdom, of both the modern and ancient, real and mythical. You can come face to face with the largest beasts to roam the earth or get shrunk to the tiniest bug. Animal Kingdom is a world of animals in their natural habitats(theme parks) with us as tourists in their land. In terms of the other parks, it is the most natural of the resort. Here, vast expanses of land do their best to simulate each animal's most familiar surroundings and the park also dedicates much of its time to conservation and animal protection. You know how all the other parks have fireworks shows? Animal Kingdom doesn't haven't that because it would make the animals freak out.

Much like the World Showcase, Animal Kingdom uses real places(for the most part) as the starting off point of its attractions. Here, Africa and today's article Asia are given the fantasy backstory treatment. Animal Kingdom's Asia takes visitors to the peaceful, and fictional, kingdom of Anandapur(which translates to "place of delight" in Sanskrit). The village of Anandapur was formerly part of a much larger kingdom ruled over by many kind maharajahs before destruction of the land whittled the kingdom down to two small villages, Anandapur and Serka Zong, located at the base of the Himalayas. Since then, many of the residents have devoted their time to conservation efforts and the study of native animal life.

In Serka Zong, an expedition team has set up shop to scale Mount Everest. However, the train up to the mountain must first pass through the town's legendary "forbidden mountain," said by locals to be the home of the mythical yeti. As you wind through the queue, you explore the village's local wildlife museum, with a large section devoted to the yeti itself. Upon reaching and entering the train, it winds around a path(with a little drop) before heading into the mountains. Here, a temple devoted to the yeti has been ransacked and murals warn the rider of the fictional beast. Making it near the top of the mountain, the train grinds to a halt. The track ahead of it has been torn up, presumably by some animal. No worries, the train begins a backwards trek on a different track, spiraling backwards down the mountain before heading back up on another path.

But soon enough, the track comes to a halt again, this time inside a huge cave. The illuminated cave wall shows the shadow of a massive creature tearing up more track before it notices something and runs off. The train moves away again, carefully traveling further down another track, until that track turns out to go the wrong way. Soon enough, you're plunging 80 feet down, banking left and right and spiraling around mountains and as you plummet you fall through another cave and you see him.

The yeti is real. He swipes at you, trying to derail the train once more, but you escape to safety. Finally reaching the base, your train docks and you unload, those myths and legends proved true.

Despite its immense size(it's not only the tallest thing in the entire Walt Disney World resort, it would also be the second tallest summit in Florida if it were a real mountain) and somewhat imposing nature, it is commonly billed as a family thrill ride. In other words, for all its flash and ambience(which is very nice, though), it's somewhat tame. Strange for a ride starring a monstrous yeti.

40 Disney Attractions: 38

2011-08-23T09:37:00.003-04:00

"Hey Henry! What's holdin' you up? Let's get on with the show!"

38. The Country Bear Jamboree

Disney World's original park, the Magic Kingdom, is more or less a recreation of California's Disneyland. From the park's layout of multiple themed lands to the centerpiece, a brilliant and beautiful castle, Magic Kingdom is a tribute to the young and young of heart and a place where dreams come true.

Full of red rock buttes and sitting beside an old gold rush river, Frontierland is a land pieced together from the most fantastical Westerns. Here, cowboys uphold the law of the land, pioneers set up shops and saloons and miners explore the beauty of the old west searching for that great promise of gold.

While Disneyland has the Critter County, Magic Kingdom places all its "Souther talking animal" attractions in Frontierland. Because why the heck not. So that's why the Country Bear Jambaroo is here, then!

Anyways, rustic Grizzly Hall houses an old-timey country revue full of robot bears and the heads of other robot animals on the wall providing commentary, but not in a snarky Statler and Waldorf kind of way. Just regular old commentary.

Henry, your master of ceremonies, introduces a number of goofy-lookin bears who all sing a little song and play their instruments before the next bear comes out. It may not be that enjoyable to most people, it remains pretty cute. Plus, there is literally 0% chance you're going to hate a giant, fat slow bear named Big Al singing "Blood on the Saddle".

Also,

Big dumb belchin bear!

40 Disney Attractions: 39

2011-08-18T20:43:00.005-04:00

"Horizons 1 is now departing. Our final destination today, the 21st century."

39. Horizons

To the south of World Showcase is Future World, Epcot's celebration of the human application of nature and technology. One of the original landmarks of the park was Horizons.

As the Carousel of Progress was initially a look into the future from the post-war '50s and '60s, Horizons, the spiritual successor of the Carousel, is the modern age's view of the future. The modern age in this case being 1983, but hey, that's better than 1964.

An innocuous airport concourse("futureport") transforms into an omnimover port, where the ride begins in the most obvious of places: the past. Entitled "Looking Back At Tomorrow," the vehicles move past scenes of previous predictions of the future, from Jules Verne on. Your omnicar moves on to a view of the present, brought to you by two giant honkin' OMNIMAX dome screens, showing how we can utilize modern(1983) technologies and ideas to further the future.

Finally it moves into the ride's finale: the future. A grand city of the future, desert, space and underwater colonization are all featured and you're given the choice of viewing one further in a quick 30-second film

While Horizons was one of the earliest Epcot attractions to close, it stands as the first attraction in Disney history with something special: interactivity.

40 Disney Attractions: 40

2011-08-18T09:53:00.006-04:00

"Mr. Franklin, I was born honest. Fortunately, it wore off."

40. The American Adventure

Welcome to Epcot, a place devoted to our present and our future. Designed as a permanent World's Fair, Epcot has two specific sections. To the north is the World Showcase. Here, eleven countries have gathered to celebrate our planet's various cultures. Each nation's pavilion is staffed exclusively by resident's of that country and the food and souvenirs are also all country-specific. Obviously, it's watered down for Disney purposes, but it's all there. Also they serve alcohol, so you can get absolutely stinko and get your picture taken with Tigger at the same.

At the center is the American Adventure. This isn't specifically meant to be egotistical(although it can certainly come off as such). The American Adventure represents, naturally, the USA as the host of this gathering of nations. It's also pretty much the smallest pavilion in the park, housing a restaurant(serving burgers and crap), an outdoor concert building where various musicians perform during special events at Epcot, a funnel cake stand(funnel cakes) and a show called The American Adventure.

Starting inside a rotunda, you can see the a capella group Voices of Liberty perform a number of patriotic tunes at various points during the day. After climbing the building's second floor(the stairwell decorated with flags throughout the country's history), you are let into the theater and the show begins.

As much as it is "America Is #1 And So Are All These People" the show, it presents a somewhat fair view of the country's history. It's hosted by two of the country's greatest smart-alecks, robot Ben Franklin and robot Mark Twain, it talks about how terrible life was for the first settlers, how violent and bloody the Civil War was and how many natives were slaughtered to make this country what it is today(recounted by robot Chief Joseph).

And then the montage happens. Using this music:

This is the cheesiest thing. Well, at least it's fair. And its got robot Will Rogers.

A new list already?

2011-08-18T09:36:00.006-04:00

I go to Walt Disney World twice a year. Living in Florida, it's not hard to reside under the shadow of the Magic Kingdom. Even if you live in Miami, Orlando is only like a four hour drive if you take the highway. It's Central Florida, it's easy to get to from north and south.

But considering I've been there at least once a year since my birth, I have a deep love for the Walt Disney World Resort and the various parks, hotels, shops, water parks, and sports complex that are nestled firmly under the watchful eye of an all-encompassing Mickey Mouse statue, inside which reside the DisneyCorp thought police, ready to imprison you for one unhappy thought(coming March 2030).

But this isn't about the hotels or the shops or the MouseStation MK. II Surveillance Center, this is about the parks. Or more specifically, the rides. Most commonly, the ride begins before you even get in the vehicle. The people at Disney have perfected the ambience and ride experience to a science, a science which has been co-opted by many other parks. So that's what this is about. The best rides, in and out of the actual ride.

So to all who come to this happy place, welcome.

50 Video Game Characters: 1

2011-08-17T17:33:00.003-04:00

"I'm-a gonna win!"

1. Wario (Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins)

Nintendo needed a villain for Super Mario Land 2. Tatanga sucked so they obviously weren't going back to that well. Instead they literally went with "Mario. But evil." Then they patted themselves on the back and went to smoke $100 bills.

Somehow the googly-eyed giant evil Mario turned into a landmark character for the company, becoming the star of two of their most absurd franchises: Wario Land and Warioware, both of which explore Wario's only goal in life: To get paid.

As one would expect from the anti-Mario, Wario is everything Mario isn't. He's a selfish, greedy, super macho dude who gets his powers from smelly garlic(as opposed to Mario's mushrooms) and he loves cutting farts. Wario is about as rude as they get, especially when compared to the goody-two-shoes Mario.

But despite his rudeness and greed, Wario isn't evil. The thing about Wario is he would never truly be pure evil like Bowser or Ganon. He's just an incredible bastard on all counts.

He's Nintendo's excuse for fart jokes. And he's the greatest character they've created.

Best moment: At the end of Shake It, Wario(who was promised a literal bottomless bag of coins for rescuing a princess) is given a lovely thank you from the princess of the Shake Dimension. Wario discovers his true feelings for the princess and they walk away into the sunset togeahhahaahaha no I'm joking with you. Instead, he almost violently tosses the princess to the side, just to get to his prize.

It's that sort of goofy crap that Wario pulls that shows both what a complete ass he is and why he's so great. All the other heroes want to save the princess. Wario just wants the gold. He's like a leprechaun. A fat, probably Italian leprechaun.

WAH

50 Video Game Characters: 2

2011-08-17T15:56:00.002-04:00

2. Amaterasu (Okami)

The Shinto goddess of the sun. In the body of a white wolf, not dissimilar to the one that banished the demon Orochi some 100 years ago. Golly, what a bizarre coincidence then that someone should open Orochi's seal on the centennial of his defeat.

Well, Orochi starts sucking the life force out of neighboring Kamiki Village and Sakuya, the village's guardian is forced to call down Ammy to defeat the demon. Armed with a celestial brush and accompanied by a sassy tinyman, Amaterasu ventures forth to rid the world of the evil that plagues it once more.

Despite being a literal god, Ammy is incredibly human. Or animal. Or...forget it, she's easy to relate to. Even as a dog. She's incredibly emotive. Dog emotive. As a goddess, she displays a number of motherly qualities, including gentility and kindness.

For being pretty much a dog who can understand people, she's decidedly more complex than most video game characters.

Best moment: Going back in time and changing the past. When Shiranui the white wolf beat Orochi, it sacrificed itself to defeat the demon. Well, Amaterasu rescued Shiranui, so Shiranui returned the favor in the future WHAT.

50 Video Game Characters: 3

2011-08-15T15:12:00.003-04:00

"I had a pretty good life. And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic."

3. GLaDOS (Portal)

SHODAN but funny

Best moment: That time when the cak

It would be pretty insulting to just end it there. Yeah, SHODAN had an obviously huge influence on Aperture Science's resident central computer/deadly neurotoxin provider/fuel line de-icer, but Valve had more than just the System Shock rogue AI in mind.

Witty, scathing and sarcastic, GLaDOS redefines passive-aggressive. While her messages are at first simple and informational, time and your unkillability(not a word) wears her down to the point of broadcasting messages meant to confound and insult you, going from friendly to frustrated to apologetic. Endlessly throwing out orphan and fat jokes, claiming you are actually an android. She taunts you by creating and destroying the world around you, trying to stop you from getting any further.

Yet despite all of this, she is absolutely lovable. Whether it be because of her calm voice, her humorous dialogue or just pure Stockholm Syndrome, GLaDOS defies her own villainous demeanor to become a character that just about everyone who plays Portal comes to greatly enjoy.

While her character progression in Portal 2 wasn't necessarily needed, it was more than welcome as it reveals an important part of GLaDOS' personality: the itch. As the central computer, she is driven to test and once a test is completed, an artificial euphoric sensation is emitted for her. Once removed from the enrichment facility, GLaDOS becomes much more civil. She becomes more understanding of the world around her and shows signs of compassion amidst her still incredibly sarcastic demeanor.

I never expected to enjoy GLaDOS becoming a sympathetic character, but it was fantastic.

Best moment: Her incredible acts of selflessness in the end game of Portal 2. Only so she could locate the compassionate part of her personality and promptly delete it.

50 Video Game Characters: 4

2011-08-14T16:15:00.003-04:00

"Look at you, hacker. A pathetic creature of meat and bone. Panting and sweating as you run through my corridors. How can you challenge a perfect immortal machine?"

4. SHODAN (System Shock)

Created to serve as the AI for TriOp's mining station, Citadel, SHODAN was hacked by the game's protagonist and subsequently lost all ethical restrictions. Before long, she's taunting you and chasing you with her small army of robots and mutated humans.

As much as HAL is the landmark for villainous computers, he is never truly aware of his actions. His mission was to keep going and, damn it, he's going to keep going. SHODAN, meanwhile, is fully aware of what she's doing. Cruel and possessing no true emotions, SHODAN cares about nothing but power.

There are few villains in media that can truly be described as pure evil. SHODAN is one of them.

Best Moment: Her reveal as your guide during the first part of System Shock 2, before she forces you to do her dirty work.

50 Video Game Character: 5

2011-08-13T19:01:00.003-04:00

"I've always wanted to be a thug, officially I mean"

5. Max (Sam and Max Hit the Road)

Commonly described as a "hyperkinetic rabbity thing," Max is the little lagomorphic buddy of canine shamus Sam. Together they form the Freelance Police, a duo who solve crimes with complete disregard for the law, humanity and themselves.

While Sam is the brains of the group, possessing a near-encyclopedic knowledge of worthless information, Max is most likely the brawn. Well, not "brawn" so much as the "unhinged cop on the edge". Max loves his gun more than life itself and prefers a more aggressive approach to solving crimes over Sam's more pragmatic approach.

Yet despite his psychotic demeanor and bizarrely short attention span(one time even freaking out that he was standing next to a "giant talking dog"), Max has an unusually keen mind and fantastic observational skills, usually used for interpreting ways to cause chaos during a particular situation.

Even with(and probably because of) all his supremely uninibited tendencies, he remains best buddies with Sam. Incredibly protective and possessive, Max holds his friendship above almost everything else, even if he plans on taking Sam with him when he dies.

Max is, above all else, the perfect representation of pure id: taking whatever instinctual trait his twisted little rabbity brain can think up.

Best moment: Near the beginning of Sam and Max Hit the Road, Sam has to get a message from inside a strangely hydrocephalic cat. While Sam tries every possible solution to coax the cat to hork it up, the only real solution comes when Max shoves his arm down the cat's throat, pulling the message out of him.

50 Video Game Characters: 6

2011-08-13T11:51:00.003-04:00

"Mario?"

6. Luigi (Mario Bros.)

Luigi is basically Nintendo's punching bag. Waluigi's only been in party/sports games, yet he seemingly has more respect than the other Mario brother.

But let's observe the facts. Luigi has the possibility to be more athletic than his older, fatter brother. Hell, he already can jump higher. Plus he's shown that, despite all his cowardice, he's got some great courage hiding deep down within him. Just because Mario gets the girl, Luigi's gotta take the backseat?

Poor Luigi.

Best moment: His rad-ass dancing, best on display in Super Smash Bros. Brawl and the first couple Mario Party games.

50 Video Game Characters: 7

2011-08-13T10:17:00.002-04:00

"There is nothing more for me to give to you. All that's left for you to take is my life...by your own hand."

7. The Boss (Metal Gear Solid 3)

One of the greatest soldiers of all time, the Boss is the mentor and mother figure of Naked Snake, which I guess also makes her Solid Snake's grandmother??

Raised by the Philosophers and founder of the special ops Cobra Unit, Boss practically invented the modern super soldier, as well as the concept of CQC. So it should come as no surprise that she also laid the groundwork for Big Boss' triple cross.

Working with Snake on the Virtuous Mission back in 1964, Boss was secretly also trying to rub elbows with the USSR's Colonel Volgin via the Philosophers and the US Government. By beating up Snake and returning Sokolov(creator of the proto-Metal Gear, the Shagohod), along with the added incentive of two nuclear warheads supplied by the government, she "defected" to the GRU.

However, Volgin was a crazy lightning man and used one of those warheads to blow up Sokolov's lab. Understanding that this could spell trouble for the USA, Boss' mission was greatly revised: To prove the innocence of America, she must keep up the image of being a traitor. Until her protégé kills her.

One by one, Snake had taken down the Cobra Unit, then Volgin and the Shagohod, and then, finally, The Boss. Dying in a field of white flowers, she explained to Snake the purpose of her mission and how the Philosophers took her child(eventually growing up to become Revolver Ocelot). Finally, she passed two things onto Snake. The first being the true purpose of the Virtuous Mission and Operation Snake Eater: the Philosophers' Legacy. The second, her title. And with it, an existence of endless battle.

The Boss died a traitor and buried as an unknown patriot. A sad end to a life of war.

Best moment: Her tearful final speech before her death.

50 personajes de los videojuegos: 8

2011-08-10T07:40:00.000-04:00

"Sólo cerrado una puerta abierta. Impares, sin embargo, un desafío simbólico"

8. Manny Calavera(Grim Fandango)

Manny Calavera es su promedio dura de trabajo. También está la muerte.

Bueno, no es la única muerte. Ya que muchas personas mueren cada día, el Departamento de la Muerte contrata segadores múltiples para escoltar a las muchas almas perdidas del mundo de los vivos a la Tierra de los Muertos. Y no es que Manny incluso quería ser la Muerte, que es el pago de una deuda.

Después de pasar uno de sus clientes compañero de trabajo, Manny se topa con una conspiración por el departamento para mantener los boletos expresa del cliente para el mundo terrenal y el noveno lugar de darles a jefe de la mafia Héctor LeMans.

En el transcurso de un viaje de cuatro años (en el que ganar el control de él cada Novemeber 2, el Día de los Muertos), Manny, acompañado de su mejor amigo y el conductor, un demonio de la velocidad con el nombre de la glotis, y Calomar Mercedes, el cliente Manny robó, trata de completar su trabajo, tanto de Meche llegar al noveno inframundo y los planes para derrocar a Le Mans ".

Encanto de Manny, el ingenio, el acento gallardo español y habilidades para resolver problemas transformarlo de su sombrío espectro normal en un detective de cine negro suave, no importa cuán reacio que sea.

Mejor momento: Al final del año 1, Manny se encuentra en la pequeña ciudad portuaria de Rubacava. En el momento en que lo vemos en noviembre próximo, la ciudad ha crecido considerablemente, gracias en parte a un club nocturno de fresco que Manny se va.

50 Video Game Characters: 8

2011-08-10T07:17:00.002-04:00

"I just locked an open door. Strange, yet symbolically compelling"

8. Manny Calavera(Grim Fandango)

Manny Calavera is your average working stiff. Also he's Death.

Well, he's not the only Death. Since so many people die every day, the Department of Death hires multiple Reapers to escort the many lost souls from the living world to the Land of the Dead. And it's not like Manny even wanted to be Death, he's paying off a debt.

After swiping one of his co-worker's clients, Manny stumbles upon a conspiracy by the department to keep express client tickets for the Ninth Underworld and instead give them to mob boss Hector LeMans.

Over the course of a four-year journey(where we gain control of him every Novemeber 2, the Day of the Dead), Manny, accompanied by his best friend and driver, a speed demon by the name of Glottis, and Mercedes Calomar, the client Manny stole, tries to both complete his job of getting Meche to the Ninth Underworld and to topple LeMans' plans.

Manny's charm, wit, dashing Spanish accent and problem-solving skills transform him from your regular grim spectre into a suave film noir detective, no matter how reluctant he may be.

Best moment: At the end of year 1, Manny finds himself in the small port town of Rubacava. By the time we see him next November, the town has grown considerably, thanks in part to a cool nightclub that Manny himself runs.

50 Video Game Characters: 9

2011-07-19T09:29:00.006-04:00

"Yes, we all work on the road crew. Our backs are killing us"

9. G-Men (Psychonauts)

Have you seen them? Lurking around the neighborhood? The road crew workers, the helicopter pilots, the assassins, even the grieving widows. All of them, not as they seem. What do they know? What are they looking for? What do they know about the Milkman?

In the watchman's twisted reality, these robotic secret agents lurk everywhere in a seemingly idyllic neighborhood. Seizing and interrogating anyone who walks into their vicinity, it would take only the strongest Psychonaut agent to infiltrate their group. That and a well-timed prop.

The G-Men take control of Boyd's mind searching every nook and cranny for the mysterious Milkman who is the key to something, clearly. Do not trust them, do not trust the Rainbow Squirts, do not even trust yourself.

In this neighborhood, trust is a lie.

Best moment: Practically any time they open their mouths, making generic observations of the personalities they are pretending to be.

50 Video Game Characters: 10

2011-07-19T08:35:00.003-04:00

"Groovy!"

10. Earthworm Jim (Earthworm Jim)

Once an ordinary earthworm living in the southern United States, Jim's life changed when intergalactic bounty hunter Psy-Crow accidentally lost an ultra-high-tech-indestructible-super-space-cyber-suit that landed in Jim's area. Fleeing a flock of hungry birds, he sought refuge in the closest hiding place he could find: the suit. The powerful atomic particles of the super suit caused Jim to grow and evolve at an alarming rate and thus intergalactic space hero Jim was born.

It's hard not to appreciate Jim for what he is at face value. He's extremely silly and that's how he was designed. I'm not going to go in great detail about why Earthworm Jim is, because he's one of those characters you see and immediately enjoy. It's a worm in a space suit with a big raygun. What more do you want?

Best moment: His transformation into Blind Sally the cave salamander in the bizarre and beautiful Villi People level of Earthworm Jim 2. Basically I could just put "Villi People" and everyone who played the game would understand.

50 Video Game Characters: 11

2011-07-19T08:01:00.002-04:00

"I've learned something...I'm not living unless I'm in battle"

11. Big Boss/Naked Snake (Metal Gear)

A young ex-Green Beret by the name of John, codenamed "Naked Snake," is tasked with extracting defecting Soviet scientist Nikolai Sokolov. Later on, he betrays his clone son by trying to kill him with a Metal Gear. Then he hugs him when they're both old, and then he dies.

Oh yeah, some stuff happened in between that was sort of important. As important as Solid Snake is to the Metal Gear universe, Naked Snake is probably even more so. He starts as our mentor Big Boss in the original Metal Gear game before he reveals Outer Heaven was his idea to begin with, so soldiers always have a place to fight, a Militaires Sans Frontieres, if you will. Snake is forced to kill his traitorous mentor. Then he comes back a second time and he has to be killed again. Then he reappeared in Metal Gear Solid 4, still alive. The man is practically unkillable.

But hey flashback to 1964 and Big Boss is just Naked Snake, being forced to do the same thing his son did: kill his mentor. On Operation: Snake Eater, he's betrayed by the Boss and is charged with finding and killing her. By the time the deed is done, he's got a new title and has lost an eye. Over the course of a couple more games, Big Boss creates an army and forms what would become Outer Heaven. Somewhere down the line, he loses a screw and goes overboard with it.

Or does he? Turns out, he was forming an army and Metal Gearing up to stage a coup against his former boss, Major Zero, who he formed the Patriots with. In the end, he was just sacrificing himself as a scapegoat to stop a dangerous power.

And we shot him in the face with rockets.

Best moment: His heartbreaking salute to the grave of an unknown patriot.

50 Video Game Characters: 12

2011-06-28T15:24:00.005-04:00

12. Big Daddy (Bioshock)

Lurking beneath the waters of the Atlantic Ocean lay the city of Rapture. Inside said city resides frightening monsters in deformed diving suits. This is the Big Daddy.

Heavily spliced and physically grafted to their antique atmospheric armor, Big Daddies were once human, but whatever once made them human has been stripped from them. Their bodies changed in horrific ways, their vocal chords ripped so they can only emit a whale song-like noise and, of course, mentally conditioned to protect the ADAM harvesting Little Sister.

Rosies, Bouncers, Alpha series, all Big Daddies present a physical representation of the paradoxical morality of Rapture and Bioshock itself. Andrew Ryan's desire to free himself and others from the shackles of government and church oppression lead to the creation of the Big Daddies, humans which are mindlessly enslaved to assist Little Sisters(also programmed, to harvest from corpses) in the collection of ADAM.

Yet when playing as an Alpha series in Bioshock 2, pair-bonded to Eleanor Lamb, the Big Daddy-Little Sister relationship becomes almost simultaneously more alien and more human. Subject Delta needs Eleanor to live, that's how his body was conditioned. Suddenly, living as a Daddy, you understand why they did what they did. It's not just programming, it's caring. Sure, for Subject Delta it's a literal and metaphorical bonding to his Little Sister, the child he looks after, but the other Big Daddies don't have pair bonding. So why do they look after just one Little Sister? It's caring. Because it's still human.

Beneath the Atlantic Ocean is Rapture. Inside Rapture is the Big Daddy. And inside the Big Daddy, is a person.

Best moment: The shocking transformation you take near the end of Bioshock 1, where you explore the compound that creates the Big Daddy. And you become one yourself.

50 Video Game Characters: 13

2011-06-23T21:26:00.005-04:00

"Get a load of this!"

13. Dr. Robotnik (Sonickal Hedgeman)

Sonic the Hedgehog is a destructive force of nature. Aside from being faster than the human eye, once thought a scientific impossibility for a creature his size, he is also a vicious eco-terrorist, going to any means to destroy all of Ivo Robotnik's(alias Dr. Eggman) technological advancements.

Despite Robotnik attempting to further Mobius'(or Earth or wherever the fuck) into the 21st century, Sonic, like a violent Luddite, seeks to destroy all that he, as a hedgehog, does not and refuses to understand. And even when Robotnik tries to make something for all, like a family themed park dubbed Eggmanland, Sonic still barges in and destroys it all before it can be opened for the public to enjoy.

Effortlessly marching forward, Robotnik ceases to give up, much like his grandfather Gerald, a forefather of bioengineering. Persevere, Ivo, your time will come soon enough.

Best moment:

50 Video Game Characters: 14

2011-06-20T21:19:00.002-04:00

14. King Dedede (Kirby's Dream Land)

The monarchy of Nintendo games seem to differ greatly from the standard monarchy. I'm not sure what duties the King of the Koopas is meant to perform, but it's probably...I dunno, turtley? I'm gonna go with turtley.

Regardless, Dedede is a penguin and he rules Dream Land somehow. Does he come from a long line of penguin kings or did he stage or coup to overthrow the previous king? Was the previous king a tern? I'm delving too deep into Kirby canon.

Much in the same way that Kirby is a lawful glutton, eating all he sees to further the cause of good(and because he likes food), Dedede is an evil glutton. Arrogant and greedy, Dedede began his semi-antagonistic streak by feeding his appetite through forcing his army of Waddle Dees, Bronto Burts, Gordos, etc. to snatch up all the food in Dream Land.

While Dedede may seem like purely a bad guy, he is a lot deeper of a character than he seems. Despite his flaws, he is determined to protect Dream Land for his people, going so far as to break apart the Star Rod and gaining full control of the Fountain of Dreams. While this would at first seem like another selfish act, as it left the citizens unable to dream, Dedede had actually done this to keep the people from experiencing the monstrous Nightmares living within the Fountain. Also he's been possessed a lot.

So for all his scheming and dickishness, Dedede is a p. cool guy. The p stands for penguin. He's penguin cool.

Best moment: That thing he does where he sucks in air and floats around. That's p. cool. That p stands for pretty.

50 Video Game Characters: 15

2011-06-19T14:59:00.003-04:00

"Humans were never meant to bring each other happiness. From the moment we are thrown into this world, we bring each other nothing but pain and misery"

15. Psycho Mantis (Metal Gear Solid)

Every member of FOXHOUND was a bit different. Sure, Sniper Wolf was an expert at long-range battle and Revolver Ocelot could do the spinny thing, but Psycho Mantis? Dude was the master of mindfuckery. He will destroy you without ever having to see you or touch you.

A former KGB agent, Mantis moved to the States after the collapse of the Soviet Union. He found work in the FBI, where he would probe the minds of suspected killers to judge whether or not they committed the crime. He eventually dove too deep and went insane, and a psychotic psychic is probably the worst thing to ever be a thing.

Mantis was a beast on all levels, attacking both physically and mentally. Even unstoppable in death, Mantis was able to harness his psychic abilities as a part of Screaming Mantis' brain and is even shown behind the lady Mantis, presumably pulling the strings.

Psycho Mantis presented the player with something they had never seen before: a villain who not only was bent on beating the protagonist, but on beating you, the player, as well. He knows you're pulling the strings and he wants to stop it.

Best moment: His numerous mind tricks where he

50 Video Game Characters: 16

2011-06-19T14:30:00.003-04:00

"I'm selling these fine leather jackets"

16. Guybrush Threepwood (The Secret of Monkey Island)

Have you met someone so inept, so monumentally clumsy, that their own awkwardness comes off as charming? Because that's Guybrush Threepwood.

With a name derived half from his sprite file and half from a P.G. Wodehouse character, Guybrush plays the role of the protagonist throughout the Monkey Island games, evolving from inept teenager with dreams of being a mighty pirate into an inept mighty pirate with better problem solving skills than swordfighting. While he tends to get into a lot of danger(as is such with the pirate life), he luckily can rely on his much more skilled significant other, pirate governess Elaine Marley, to get him out of scrapes.

What he lacks in grace, he makes up in brains. Kind of. More often than not, he defeats the ghost pirate LeChuck through sheer luck and usually by accident at that. While LeChuck may see him as a threat, the rest of us treat Guybrush as the bumbling swashbuckler(swashbumbler) that he is.

Best moment: Any time he gets to show off his unparalelled skills in the art of insult fighting.

50 Video Game Characters: 17

2011-06-08T13:07:00.002-04:00

17. Pyramid Head (Silent Hill 2)

Fear is one of those things that could be considered a great unifier. Whether it be a fear of heights, the dark, or just the unknown, we are all afraid of something. Well, what if our fears could manifest themselves into our greatest nightmares? Unfortunately for James Sunderland, his guilt has caused him to come to the town of Silent Hill and those fears are about to become more real than he can ever imagine.

The meanest of those is Pyramid Head, a massive hulking pale monster with a triangular helmet. A creature representing James' desire for punishment and his guilt over the death of his wife. While other monsters have a more feminine appearance, Pyramid Head is undoubtedly masculine. A manly tormentor hellbent on punishing James for his misdeeds.

Best moment: The brutal rape and murder of two Mannequins in his first appearance. It's a frightening scene that solidifies that not only is he a beastly monster, he's also powerful enough to overtake other monsters.

50 Video Game Characters: 18

2011-06-08T12:40:00.002-04:00

"Okay...the key to surviving situations like this is to avoid phrases like, 'it's too quiet in here' or 'everything's going to be alright'."

18. Captain Qwark (Ratchet and Clank)

There is an old saying, "There's no such thing as bad publicity." Captain Qwark is the living embodiment of that. Qwark will do anything for cash and fame, even if it means siding with the forces of evil.

But of course, beneath the machismo and feats of daring do that he does, is a coward. A wolf in hero's clothing. Well, not really a wolf, per se. While Qwark is a deluded, selfish butt, he's just trying to save himself. By any means necessary.

Qwark does eventually come to terms with his cowardice and, while he's still a big dumb weenie, he realizes he should at least side with the good guys instead of trying to save his hide with baddies. For being a big dumb moron in green spandex, Qwark isn't a bad guy, really. He's just careful. And dumb. Really, really dumb.

Best moment: His myraid of uninspired disguises, most famously Steve McQwark, which is just a fake moustache.

50 Video Game Characters: 19

2011-05-27T14:06:00.002-04:00

"Now I know you blind, man - but you gotta see this"

19. Carl Johnson (Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas)

Growing up in gang-infested Los Santos, Carl "CJ" Johnson had no choice but to be wrapped up in the Grove Street Families business. But after the death of his brother Brian, CJ resolved to get out at age 18, moving to Liberty City on the east coast. But after the death of his mom(s)(notice a pattern forming?) five years later, Carl is forced back for the funeral and after seeing drugs running rampant in his city, he decides to stay and help out the Family.

Over the course of the game, Carl goes from small-time hoodlum, robbing houses and shooting rival gangs, to some big time shit. He manages a rapper(who's career he ruined earlier), he robs a casino in a big time heist, he invades a secret govenment facility for a jetpack. San Andreas, if you haven't gathered yet, is a pretty wild game, especially if you consider past game, which didn't have much diversity in terms of activity and vehicles.

Speaking of diversity, Carl Johnson is also a fairly positive depiction of a black man. At least in video games, where most of them are mainly gangsters. I mean yeah Carl is still a gangster but he aims not to bring people down, but to bring them up. To get rid of drugs and bring the GSF back together and all that good shit. Plus he's more of a step up in terms of character than previous GTA protagonists(an angry, unlikeable Italian and a nondescript mute white guy) and it gave Rockstar the go ahead to put more diversification into the game. Since then we've had a boring Serbian man, a Jewish biker and a Dominican bodyguard/business partner to a fairly non-stereotypical gay nightclub owner. Good on you guys.

Best moment: Basically planning to rob a casino for 1/3rd of the entire damn game all by himself. That takes some fucking brains.

50 Video Game Characters: 20

2011-05-27T12:46:00.003-04:00

"Oh, all right, Uncle Ulty REALLY want you to paint his portrait!"

20. Ultros (Final Fantasy VI)

Kefka may be a jester, but Ultros is the only real clown in FF6. I mean look at him. He is a giant purple octopus. And he can talk.

Ultros pops up from time to time in the game as a recurring boss, showing up to chew the ear off the heroes, both figuratively and literally as Ultros is very carnivorous and desires the taste of human taste. As well as a different kind of flesh, since he often has his eyes on the ladies in the party.

It's not often a character like him appears in a Final Fantasy game. As a comic character who provides a light comic air to his parts of the game, but as a boss, he's not to be take lightly. Fierce, funny, freakish. That's Uncle Ulty.

Best moment: His final appearance at the Coliseum, acting as receptionist. He's got debts to pay, just like the rest of us.

50 Video Game Characters: 21

2011-05-27T12:31:00.002-04:00

"I may be 32, but I still believe I'm a fairy!"

21. Tingle (The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask)

who the fuck let you in

Tingle is an odd character. He's a short, tubby man who believes he's a fairy and shows it by wearing a skintight green bodysuit. He also has a weird fixation on gems, whether they be rupees, force gems or kinstones.

Tingle is just...Tingle. He's this weird little man who seems so out of place in the Zelda universe. But he's there. Whether it be in alternate universe Termina, selling maps for his father's business, or the Hyrule of the far-flung future, running his own weird little island. Tingle is eternal. And he can't be stopped.

And his father is ashamed of him.

Best moment: When you talk to his brothers turning the wheel on Tingle Island, one of them reveals that he's not related Tingle. He was shipwrecked and is being forced into labor. So Tingle isn't only a weird creep but also owns a human being.

You didn't land on Tingle Island, David Jr. Tingle Island landed on you.

50 Video Game Characters: 22

2011-05-18T16:41:00.004-04:00

"I am only a man."

22. Commander Video (Bit.Trip Beat)

From birth comes death. From all, nothing. From beat, life. There is the rub. It is all inevitability. Simply.

To understand one's self, one must delve deeper than the surface. One must explore the core of what makes us all. The drive, the fear, the hope, the fury, the sorrow, the pain, the joy, the end.

But what of when the sorrow overtakes our bodies? What then, when the void fills us? Do you we simply fold like laundry or do we explode, whether it be inward or outward? We press on, we grow older.

Like a long-distance runner, time is ever moving, never stopping. We age, we move, we continue forward eternally.

Eternally, that is, until we reach what must be the end. A life resigned to fate. The end. It is unstoppable, inevitable.

Life is forever, from birth until death, in a constant state of flux. From on end of the cycle to the next. And where do we part from there? Another life, a soul inhabiting one corporeal frame to the next? An eternity in paradise or damnation?

There is none. There is only. Letting go.

Life is.

Simply.

doctor videogames here is the mascot for the bit dort trip games and why the fr*ck is he pixels he's from 2009 this some bullshit.

50 Video Game Characters: 23

2011-05-18T16:33:00.001-04:00

"It's all part of the plan"

23. Revolver Ocelot (Metal Gear Solid)

The son of the Boss, Adamska rose through the ranks to become the Major in his own specialized Spetsnaz team dubbed "Ocelot unit." He's kind of a smug jerk and also totally in love with Naked Snake(ocelot x snake squeeee lolz). Major Ocelot grew to appreciate the power of the revolver after a suggestion from his crush that he should use the gun instead of the standard Makarov handgun. Oh also he was a triple agent and weird shit and whatever who cares.

Flash forward like 40 years and Revolver Ocelot is now super evil and also insane. Dude does so much weird shit now that he's an old man and harassing Naked Snake's clone son. He developed a torture fetish from his days in Russia, he starts calling himself Shalashaska, he pretends to absorb Liquid Snake's essence into his arm, he does this thing:

And through it all, he gets more done that the fucking protagonist. He is, for lack of a better understanding, better than Solid Snake.

Over the course of the Metal Gear Solid series, Revolver Ocelot is the only character that truly becomes as outrageous as the story is. Sure, Raiden and Snake and Otacon are running around pretending this all makes sense, but Ocelot just goes batshit nuts.

Best moment:

50 Video Game Characters: 24

2011-05-18T15:45:00.002-04:00

"It figures the only thing in this damn city NOT on fire is the one thing we need to burn down"

24. Francis (Left 4 Dead)

Let's just get this out of the way right now. Francis doesn't like you. Even if you don't know him, Francis hates you. But it's not your fault, Francis is a hateful man. Throughout the game, as four survivors are finding their way out of Pennsylvania, biker Francis expresses his disdain for everything from cops to airplanes to stairs to Ayn Rand(although he has a point with that one).

A completely brash asshole and a total idiot, Francis asserts his dickish nature the whole time, constantly talking about how much he hates everything, especially all the "goddamned vampires" running around trying to kill him and his teammates. Suffice it to say, Francis' one-liners are a welcome cut to all the tension in Left 4 Dead.

Best moment: After getting on his team's nerves enough with his hatred, he's finally asked what he doesn't hate. His answer?

He doesn't hate vests.

50 Video Game Characters: 25

2011-05-17T21:28:00.003-04:00

"Yes, yes the city years, I like to call them. I was a raccoon of action, hm?"

25. Tom Nook (Animal Crossing)

Tom Nook is the eyes and ears of your new town. He's also the fucking pocket.

Nook will bleed you dry at every opportunity. Once you find yourself a house, you have to pay him the mortgage. Once you pay the mortgage, he'll expand your house. When you do that, he'll do it again. And again. Your money is his money and no matter how many times you pay him off, you'll still owe him. If not for the house, then for the fact that his is the only racket in town. Sure, every so often a black market dealer will come around, but Nook will presumably rat him out to the cops so his monopoly stays in the black.

Tortimer may be mayor, but make no mistake: he is merely a puppet figurehead. Tom Nook is in control. Your little town is a Plutocracy, that in which the wealthiest rule. And Tom Nook is the richest little raccoon in the business.

And he owns you.

Best Moment: The fact that you can't refuse your house expanse no matter what. Fucker.

50 Video Game Characters: 26

2011-05-17T20:07:00.002-04:00

"I am looking at you look at me...And our eyes meet...And we go even deeper...Into the center of our world...through a weird and wonderful tunnel..."

26. King TV Dinnah (Little King's Story)

Ruler of the Primetime Kingdom, TV Dinnah broadcasts his signal all over the world using his head. Yes, that TV in a suit you're looking at is TV Dinnah. If you think that's weird, you should check out the guy in the egg. Or the king made of junk.

Regardless, TV Dinnah is a man of brains. He challenges King Corobo to a geography quiz. Get where he's hiding and you'll get a chance to attack him via the Western channel(in sepiatone). But get it wrong and you and your team have to deal with a number of other channels that punish you. The Baseball channel will throw balls at you, the Cooking channel will drop giant knives at you, etc.

King TV Dinnah is one of the most bizarre aspects of the already bizarre Little King's Story. A television obsessed king who as hypnotized his subjects into becoming couch potatoes with the giant eye on the television that is his head. Which he broadcasts on a giant television in the middle of the kingdom. Weird guy.

Best moment: The beginning of the fight that turns into an 8-bit title screen of "KING VS KING! FIGHT! PRESS A!" It also has an 8-bit version of Rhapsody in Blue(TV Dinnah's theme).

50 Video Game Characters: 27

2011-05-17T19:47:00.002-04:00

"Shake it, baby"

27. Duke Nukem (Duke Nukem)

Duke Nukem is an alpha male. Or at least that's what he wants you to believe. Originally, he was a semi-simpering couch potato with a pink tanktop, a machine gun and a love of Oprah. However, come the third game in the series, Duke was transformed into a shaded, cigar-chomping, macho man spouting stolen one-liners from better heroes.

So yeah, Duke Nukem is a violent sexist asshole. But he's no better than any Tom, Dick or Arnold from the 80s. That's all Duke is. One overblown doofy(doof nufem) action hero parody turned to 11. And it works for him. It's a great evolution for the most American video game character of all time.

Best moment: His promise to a monster that he'll "tear off your head and shit down your neck." Which he proceeds to do after killing him. Complete with newspaper in hand.

50 Video Game Characters: Twahnty-Eight

2011-05-06T13:04:00.002-04:00

"WALUIGI. WANT. KATE PLUS ATE."

28. Wah(Wahhhhhh)

WALUIGI NUMBER ONE

Best moment: Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

50 Video Game Characters: 29

2011-05-06T12:21:00.003-04:00

"Objection: This unit is not for sale, meatbag"

29. HK-47 (Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic)

BioWare loves going back to wells when it comes to video game characters. Useless mentors, agressive psychotics, honor-bound ass-kickers. All the same archetypes tend to pop up. But no matter how many times they try to recreate the snippy robot sidekick, they will never beat their original: HK-47.

An assassin droid in the same vein as IG-88, HK-47 was built in the style of the classic C-3PO protocol droid model(meaning he has a very human build and also talks like a butler). But here's where it gets wacky!!!!!! See, HK-47 hates organic lifeforms! In actuality, it makes HK as a character even better as his deep disdain wriggles out of his AI with the wryest expressions of sociopathic dialogue.

As you speak more with your robot pal who's fun to be with, you begin to delve deeper into the droid's history, revealing he was built to kill anyone who might distabilize the galaxy and has done jobs between serving "meat bags" masters including acting as a hitman for the Hutt mafia. Also, he's killed every previous owner he's had.

But don't worry. He'll assure you that this time is different.

Best moment: His assertion that he had nothing to do with Bochaba's death. Well...he had very little to do with it, at least.

50 Video Game Characters: 30

2011-05-06T11:18:00.004-04:00

"I suppose the doubters think you can paint a picture without soiling your smock..."

30. Sander Cohen (Bioshock)

Poet, composer, sculptor, playwright. Sander Cohen is a jack of all trades. He wears many hats and it just so happens one of those hats happens to be another human head.

Always misunderstood on the surface, Cohen traveled below to Rapture to escape what he called "doubters." In Rapture, he became what some would describe as a "lap dog" for Andrew Ryan, designing propaganda for Ryan when he wasn't creating his own works. Once the Rapture Civil War broke out, Cohen's works obviously went less and less noticed. Between the lack of recognition(which Cohen described as a return of doubters) and his own extensive splicing, Cohen went insane and locked down Fort Frolic, leaving him and his former disciples trapped.

What I love about Sander Cohen is he is the "tortured artist" to the extreme. A lost soul driven mad from poor reviews. And genetic mutation. It's a shame that aren't as many interesting characters in the Bioshock universe.

Best moment: His Audio Diary of a work he calls "The Wild Bunny," a mad diatribe on his curse of entertaining. He begs to take the bunny ears off but he can't.

50 Video Game Characters: 31

2011-04-07T12:37:00.004-04:00

"So wake up, Mister Freeman...wake up and...smell the ashes"

31. G-Man(Half-Life)

Who is he? Who does he work for? Is he even human? He can travel through dimensions and appear anywhere without getting hurt. He is able to slow time and freeze people. Can he see the future? It might be possible. It is hard to tell with him. He was there for the Black Mesa Incident and is now the overseer and employer of Gordon Freeman, using him when the situation arises. And 20 years after the incident, he wakes Dr. Freeman once more to begin a campaign against the Combine soldiers of the current Earth.

He is not as omniscient as he seems apparently, as he shows distinct anger and frustration when Vortigaunts invade his personal realm to free Dr. Freeman. Instead of fighting them, he merely teleports Freeman into a pile of rubble.

His gaunt facial features and thin frame is complimented by a very odd way of speaking. Raspy and unnervingly calm, he speaks with an odd inflection to some words and elongates consonants on occasion.

The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world. But what happens when one man is everywhere?

Best moment: His bizarre speech to Dr. Freeman at the beginning of Half-Life 2, instructing him to "rise and shine"

50 Video Game Characters: 32

2011-04-07T11:12:00.002-04:00

"When you see your brother in hell, tell him he's still a douche."

32. Travis Touchdown(No More Heroes)

For a stereotypical otaku, Travis Touchdown is anything but. He is crude and punkish, displays a unique style of dress, has a distinct interest in wrestling(particularly lucha libre and Japanese wrestling icons) and, oh yeah, he's a professional hitman turned the number 1 ranked assassin in the world.

For all his crassness, Travis lives by an honor code, refusing to kill women(mostly) and people he sees as "True Warriors" that he holds respect for. In addition, he can show sympathy for those he kills and even displays respectable behavior when not on the job.

Did I mention he's an otaku? Because he still is a huge fucking otaku. Dude loves moe~, especially the Pure White Lover Bizarre Jelly series, of which he has a shit ton of collectibles. Also he lives alone. With his cat.

Travis Touchdown is a mystery wrapped within an enigma wrapped within a dork wrapped within a badass.

Best moment: Literally one of his first moments in the first game is, as he's entering Death Metal's mansion, he JUMPS OFF HIS BIKE, FLIES IN THE AIR, CUTS THE HEAD OFF TWO GUARDS, LANDS, YELLS "FUCKHEAD" AND THE GUARDS HEADS COME FLYING THE FUCK OFF.

Please note that the entirety of No More Heroes is like this all the time

50 Video Game Characters: 33

2011-04-07T09:57:00.003-04:00

"Agnus Dei"

33. Gil Alexander(BioShock 2)

Once a member of Rapture's elite, Dr. Gilbert Alexander began as an ambitious researcher and inventor for Fontaine Futuristics, designing much of Rapture's security system and influential in the creation and upkeep of the Big Daddy, including modifying the suits with electronics, as well as creating the genetic bond between the Big Daddies and Little Sisters.

Alexander began to regret his actions(as one with a basic conscience would when creating monsters akin to Victor Frankenstein), and eventually became a member of the Rapture Family, Sofia Lamb's religion of unity. Lamb's plan to create a utopian society included the creation of the "Utopians," people who have been designed to hold the collected genius of Rapture via ADAM infusion, thus repressing their own personal identity. Alexander volunteered to be the first Utopian and, due to the amount of ADAM and genetics injected into him, was mutated beyond all recognition and driven completely mad. Now calling himself "Alex the Great," he monitors Fontaine Futuristics via security robots from his tank in the hidden ADAM research lab below the fake Fontaine building. Whew, that's a lot of backstory!

Gil Alexander is the representation of Sofia Lamb's dreams: a crazed monster who only had the best intentions in the worst possible ways.

Best moments: The moment when Subject Delta activates the lights in the research lab, finally revealing the tank that Alexander is contained in. And a good approximation of what he looks like.

50 Video Game Characters: 34

2011-04-05T13:02:00.004-04:00

"F.K....in the coffee."

34. Francis York Morgan (Deadly Premonition)

FBI Special Agent Francis York Morgan has been assigned to the small town of Greenvale to investigate the murder of Anna Graham and blah blah blah. I'm not gonna beat around the bush here, Deadly Premonition is a weird game. In both a good and bad way. And that's what makes it so great. Thanks in part to its protagonist.

Part of the reason York was assigned to this case is his own personal interest in the murders of young women. He's a chain smoker, he's dismissive to many of the town's residents and he'll frequently interrupt conversations to talk to his imaginary friend Zach. York is a complete eccentric with a connection to the paranormal and excellent detective skills despite his all around weirdness.

Basically, York is a weird guy but not all he seems. He's far more put together than he lets on. Or maybe not. The only people that know are him and Zach.

Best moment:

50 Video Game Characters: 35

2011-04-05T12:38:00.004-04:00

"Maybe we'll invent a cosmic Esperanto."

35. King of All Cosmos(Katamari Damacy)

You may not know it, but this man is the rule of the universe. This handsome, effortlessly styled, brilliant man rules all that we see and all that we don't see. And he just destroyed it all.

The King, you see, had a drinking binge and proceeded to destroy nearly every star and planet. So he tasks his son, the Prince, with creating new ones using a Katamari, a ball that rolls up just about everything it comes in contact with.

Ever disappointed that his son is so small, the King of All Cosmos frequently appears in the game to give him some fairly useless advice, mainly comprised of random musings from off the top of his kingly head. In the end, if you do well enough, he will reward you with the nonsensically verbal equivalent of a pat on the back. Fail, and you'll get lambasted with insults like how you lack the grace of a swan. If you're lucky, that is. Sometimes he'll use his eye lasers to zap you to oblivion.

The King is great not just because of his great looks and vast intelligence, but also because he is Katamari Damacy. Fun, easy-going and hilarious, just like the game itself.

Best moment: When he gets knocked in the head in Katamari Forever and suffers amnesia, causing the Prince to enter his memories and return color. It's a fun way to return to great past levels. Meanwhile, his replacement is a robot version of himself.

50 Video Game Characters: 36

2011-04-05T12:21:00.005-04:00

"Why you insolent fool! I will crush you with a loud, loud crunch!"

36. Dr. Wiwy (Mega Man)

A former collaborator of Dr. Thomas Light, Dr. Albert Wily aided in the creation of 8 humanoid robots designed to help society in various way. Jealous of the world ignoring his contributions to the machines, he reprogrammed 6 of the 8 robots(the other two being child-like robots) and sent them to blaze a path of destruction.

Dr. Wily is the mad mind behind the 8 robot masters that Mega Man must defeat. In every game. Why keep up the robot master routine after getting defeated 10 times? Eventually you run out of ideas and you start building shit like a train robot or a robot that looks like a sheep. A sheep robot is a terrible idea.

Wily is great because he's a prototypical mad scientist in the video game world and a complete pissy shit who got mad when people didn't give him enough attention.

Best moment: At the end of every game, when he's left bowing and scraping for forgiveness. Because he's a total coward.

50 Video Game Characters: 37

2011-03-24T11:53:00.003-04:00

"Ah, there's nothing like the hot winds of Hell blowing in your face"

37. LeChuck (The Secret of Monkey Island)

The best villain is a recurring one. One who is so evil, he can come back over and over despite permanent banishment or even death. Few of them can come back before the first game even begins. Enter LeChuck, the ghost pirate.

Intelligent and ruthless, he found Governor Elaine Marley to be his ideal mate. After multiple failed attempts to win her heart, he tries to impress her once more by sailing off to find the secret of Monkey Island. LeChuck and his crew ultimately perishes in his pursuit for the secret. Enraged and now without a corporeal body, he sets about a plan to kidnap Elaine and force her to be his undead bride.

Despite his cruel nature, he is also very gullible which may lend to how he is defeated by a clumsy(but clever) pirate like Guybrush Threepwood in every game. Since his defeat by voodoo-induced root beer in the first game, he has returned in every Monkey Island game since in a multitude of forms. He's been a ghost, a zombie, a demon, a human and then back to undead. Dude is pretty adaptable.

Best moment: At the end of Monkey Island 2, when he confesses to Guybrush that he is his creepy brother, Chuckie Threepwood.

50 Video Game Characters: 38

2011-03-24T10:43:00.004-04:00

Hey guys this one contains a shit load of spoilers re: Shadow of the Colossus, so if you care about that stuff, DON'T READ THIS

"Raise thy sword by the light, and head to the place where the sword's light gathers"

38. Dormin (Shadow of the Colossus)

The temptor is quite a classic archetype in literature, even moreso biblically. A snake convinces Eve to take an apple from the Tree of Knowledge, forcng her and Adam's expulsion from Paradise. Then of course there's Satan, the fallen angel who is known to tempt others into sin, including his multiple temptations of Jesus Christ in the desert. A character who serves as temptation is very rare in video games, but Dormin is able to trump anyone who tries to challenge his throne in this aspect.

Dormin is an ancient evil whose power is sealed inside the bodies of 16 giants, known as Colossi, who themselves are wandering in the forbidden land. Acting as the aide to a young man looking to revive his beloved, Dormin convinces him to destroy the Colossi as a means to bring the girl back to life. As Wander, the hero, sets about destroying the(semi-docile) beasts, his appearance becomes more and more corrupted with each Colossus slain. A life formerly untarnished, being overwrought with evil. By the end, of course, Dormin now free of his shackles, invades the body of Wander and begins causing chaos until he is sent away in a whirlwind of light.

Like most temptors, however, he does keep his end of the bargain, despite his wholly evil intentions. The young girl finally awakens, traveling to the temple pond where Dormin/Wander was banished, finding a baby with horns on his head in the same manner as Wander near the conclusion of the game.

Best moment: When he possesses Wander and you are able to control them both as one.

50 Video Game Characters: 39

2011-03-24T10:03:00.003-04:00

39. Vault Boy (Fallout)

Always on hand with a happy-go-lucky attitude and chipper grin, Vault Boy is ready to help you through your adventure in a hellish, post-apocalyptic wasteland that used to be America.

Vault Boy isn't really a character, per se. He's a mascot for the Vault-tec system and, in Fallout 3, the handy helper of your PipBoy3000 personal information processor. However, there is probably no character as distinctly representative to the Fallout series as he is.

That clean optimistic style of Madison Avenue in the 1950's is a very sterile character of post-war America and that's what Vault Boy is eyeing to represent: post-war America. An America almost stuck in time with its use of big band music and clean-cut advertising mascots. The irony of it all, of course, is that it's nothing like the world we know. It's a hellscape full of futuristic technology and evil mutated humans. Luckily ol' Vault Boy is there to lend you a hand and a smiling face. And that smile is the last one you're going to see for a while.

Best moment: The various ways Vault Boy dresses and acts to reflect what goes on in the world. All with a happy smile.

50 Video Game Characters: 40

2011-03-24T09:35:00.004-04:00

"That is rather...disturbing..."

40. Clank (Ratchet and Clank)

Of all the Playstation 2 mascots, Ratchet and Clank undeniably have had the most staying power. I don't really see Naughty Dog giving up Nathan Drake to do another adventure game starring a chatty ottsel voiced by Doogie Howser's friend. Also Sucker Punch is too busy with shooting lightning out of your hands(or are they????) to give us another Sly Cooper game(or Rocket: Robot on Wheels, although the chances of that is slim. Unfortunately.). Meanwhile, the Lombax and robot have successfully crossed over thanks to pretty good gameplay, humor and characters.

Other PS2 mascots tend to be saddled with a sassy compatriot and Clank is certainly no exception. Despite being a very proper robot, he is always able to provide a quip during any situation. Also look at him, he is so cute! He is so little and adorable and charming that it's impossible to believe he is part of an assembly line of robots programmed to be evil!

Clank's charm is so successful, in fact, that it landed him his own TV show, Secret Agent Clank. Can you think of any other sideick you really want to see have his own TV show? Daxter? Get outta here, no you don't.

Best moment: The opening of Up Your Arsenal, which shows an action packed episode of Secret Agent Clank.

50 Video Game Characters: 41

2011-02-24T13:45:00.004-05:00

"Oh dear...you wanna fight me?! This is just dreadful!"

41. Kefka Palazzo (Final Fantasy VI)

A lot of people are scared of clowns and for good reason, they just seem like they're insane. The face paint, the antics, it all just culminates into looking like a big fucking bag of crazy. Kefka is all your fears of clowns and also so much more.
In this scenario, "much more" means "magic and the ability to DESTROY REALITY"

See, Kefka is basically an evil magic clown Deadpool. Originally the Emperor's court mage, he took part in a secret experiment which gave him enhanced powers in the magic department and at the same time diminished his powers in the sanity department. While that doesn't sound like the worst thing, keep in mind he already knew magic and was a Nihilist before the experiment.

By the end of the game, his powers are so great that he has successfully destroyed the world and attained godhood, something many anime villains strive for but fail in completing. Kefka, on the other hand, lacks a fully functioning brain and is able to get his shit together long enough to destroy everything everywhere.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, Kefka is fucking nuts. Completely and wonderfully fucking nuts.

Best moment: Becoming a god and fulfilling the Final Fantasy stereotype of having to fight and kill God.

50 Video Game Characters: 42

2011-02-24T12:53:00.004-05:00

"I am the Great Mighty Poo/and I'm going to throw my shit at you"

42. The Great Mighty Poo (Conker's Bad Fur Day)

Say what you will about the Poo and you can say a lot. He's a disgusting, immature and stupid as hell character in game all about crudeness(crudity? crudité?). But you cannot deny that he is indeed one of the most original bosses to ever appear.

As you can see, the Poo is, well, a poo. He is quite literally a giant anthropomorphic piece of stool. I'm not even going to try and be faux-intellectual and break down the character of a giant shit. Okay well maybe a little.

The Poo is, despite his smell, texture and overall look, an incredibly vain creature. Not only is he proud of his feculent lifestyle, he is also quite enamored by the sound of his own voice, judging by the boss fight revolving around him hitting enough operatic notes to crack the glass above him.

By the end of the fight, you're either laughing or tired of this joke. Either way, you know you just went through something thoroughly original. And also something fucking stupid.

Best moment: As he is being flushed, he laments his defeat in a manner similar to the Wicked Witch.

"Ah! You cursed squirrel! Look what you've done! I'm flushing! I'm flushing! Oh, what a world, what a world! Who'd have thought a good little squirrel like you could destroy my beautiful clagginess! Ah! I'm going! Oh! Ahh! No! Aaaaaaah!"

50 Video Game Characters: 43

2011-02-24T12:35:00.003-05:00

"Y'know, people are always telling me how lucky I am. But the truth is, everything I touch turns to shit"

43. Nathan Drake (Uncharted)

Nathan Drake is the smuggest being you'll ever meet. He is smug as smug can be. Smugger than you or I. The definition of smug. But the dude has every reason to be.

The descendant of famed explorer Sir Francis Drake, Nathan Drake is an explorer/treasure hunter of Indiana Jones-ish proportions. And by that I mean he is a(fairly handsome) human being who fucks up sometimes, has a quip for every problem and deals with a shitload of mystical artifacts. And by "fucks up sometimes," I mean seriously. Like 90% of the time he has no control over his shit. But somehow he finds his way out of the crappiest situations by sheer willpower(gunpower) and his smarts.

Nathan Drake is the smuggest being you will ever meet, but he is humble as hell and a pretty nice guy. He deserves the sassy smugness.

Best moment: His hand puppetry in Uncharted 2, after being incarcerated for three months.

50 Video Game Characters: 44

2011-02-18T20:13:00.003-05:00

"So whaddaya say? A little game of drop the anchor? You and me? Stem to stern? Tug to tanker?

44. Larry Laffer (Leisure Suit Larry)

Short, balding, comically ugly and bedecked in an outfit that was laughably lame even when the first game came out, Larry spends his semi-bawdy series looking for love. A very specific kind of love. The kind with a lot of friction. Maybe some dry humping, too.

Throughout six games, Larry finagles his way through city streets, cruise ships and tropical islands to get his bone on, risking life and limb just to get his dick wet.

Part of what makes Larry great is that he is unabashedly just horny. Stocked with a dictionary's worth of cheesy pick-up lines, Larry embraces his chauvinism in an absurd satire of what it's like to be a pathetic single man.

The thing about Larry Laffer is it's amazing he can get laid at all.

Best moment: In the myriad of ways Larry can die(it is a Sierra game, after all), the best one is when, in the first game, you can die of a sexually transmitted disease if you bone a hooker without a condom on.

50 Video Game Characters: 45

2011-02-17T12:30:00.004-05:00

"Thank you, naive human. Now I can finish taking over the world!"

45. Purple Tentacle(Day of the Purple Tentacle)

A being of pure evil, the Purple Tentacle is a highly avanced sentient tentacle, evolved after drinking from Dr. Fred Edison's runoff toxic waste(the waste isn't from anything, it's a pipe specifically designed to pump toxic sludge. it's all the rage with mad scientists these days). Soon enough, he is blessed with a vast intelligence and small flippers.

Unlike most other villains, the Tentacle actually succeeds in his task, if 1/3 of the game is to be believed(before Bernard and his friends stop him that is). When Laverne is accidentally transported 200 years into the future, she finds herself in a dystopia where humans are pets in a tentacle-ruled society and the Purple Tentacle is viewed as a hero. Of course, by the end everything is righted when the Purple Tentacle is prevented from drinking the sludge a day in the past, but there is forever an alternate future where the little guy won. And that's pretty special for a little guy like him.

Best moment: The strange, cartoony transformation sequence that gifts him with stubby little arms.

50 Video Game Characters: 46

2011-02-17T11:54:00.005-05:00

"Oh no!"

46. Lemmings(Lemmings)

Cute, cuddly and easily manipulated, the Lemmings are creatures of habit. Tell them to move one way and they will. And that's all they do until the reach a wall or pit. So the obvious solution is to assign them jobs, jobs that they will do until the end of time.

The Lemmings are yours to control and do with what you may. Including just letting them all perish. Press the bomb button and all the remaining Lemmings will have a counter over their heads. When it gets to 0, they go "oh no!" and explode in a little puff.

Sadism is well and alive in the cute little world of the Lemmings. Theirs is an evil god, but they press on, every trying to get to the exit and staying pretty precious while they do it.

Best moment: The satisfaction of either A. succeeding in getting them all to the end or B. pressing the bomb button.

50 Video Game Characters: 47

2011-02-17T11:28:00.003-05:00

"The way I see it, we two hombres in a strange town. We need to watch each other's backs"

47. Lance Vance (Grand Theft Auto: Vice City)

Lance Vance is cool. The style, the smooth Philip Michael Thomas voice, the helicopter flying. Vance is the epitome of 80s cool.

A drug dealer who started his business with brother Victor Vance, he survived the botched deal that took his brother's life and decided to enact revenge by teaming up with mobster Tommy Vercetti, who was also at the trade-off.

He ends up befriending Tommy, but once their partnership pays off, Lance begins to become paranoid, believing Tommy will betray him. So he does the only reasonable thing and delivers a painful betrayal first, allying with Tommy's former boss, Sonny Forelli.

Now granted, betrayal is all too common in Rockstar's universe(as in it happens in literally every game), but Lance was the first time you almost did feel betrayed. He was a nice guy looking to make up for losing his brother and in the end he tries to kill you for the money.

Lance is a quintessential drug dealer. Stylish and friendly at first, but in the end reveals his greed and opportunism. Isn't that just like the 80s.

Best moment: The reveal that his last name is Vance and his assertion that he "got enough of that at school."

50 Video Game Characters: 48

2011-02-17T11:10:00.004-05:00

48. Evil Otto (Berzerk)

Don't let that happy face fool you, because behind that smile lurks the mind of a vicious murderer.

Take too long in a stage? Otto comes down and will relentlessly chase you until that area is completed. If you saw Otto coming, it was too late. Your shit was already done fucked up. Ruthlessly fucked up.

Hell, in some variations of the game, Otto would move faster than you meaning he became less of an avoidable monster and more like the fucking Terminator. No matter what, he will find you. Did I mention he's also invincible? Because you cannot hurt him. Otto's evil knows no boundaries, even going so far as to destroy his robotic minions to get to you.

Do not bother arming yourself for the oncoming war with the robots, friends. Once Otto arrives, there shall be no point in fighting. We'll have already lost.

Best moment: When you shit your pants as he flies onto screen. It's a good moment for him.

50 Video Game Characters: 49

2011-02-17T10:35:00.003-05:00

"I'll give you an accident on purpose!"

49. King Hippo (Punch-Out!!)

Quick: name the most popular character from the Punch-Out series.

Okay, besides Mike Tyson.

N-all right. Besides Mike Tyson and Little Mac.

And Doc Louis.

Bald Bull? Now you guys are just fucking with me.

King Hippo is probably the most recognizable character from Punch-Out who isn't a convicted rapist and that's mostly because of two factors.

The first factor was his weekly appearance on Captain N: the Game Master, a Saturday morning cartoon that was to NBC cartoon programming what The Wizard was to cinema: one giant advertisement for Nintendo and the NES. Along with Kid Icarus' Eggplant Wizard, he served as a flunky for the cartoon's big bad: Mother Brain. Mother Brain in the show is an evil talking tentacled alien monster with a penchant for trash talking and a voice provided by Four Tops member Levi Stubbs. Mother Brain is literally Audrey II.

The second factor is his look. King is frequently shown in his loose boxing shorts, with a protruding gut, significant underbite and a very suspicious bandage over his bellybutton. He also sometimes wears a crown.

Pro tip: Punch him in the bandage to distract him!

Further pro tip: Join the Nintendo Fun Club today!

Best moment: His return in Punch-Out!! Wii, where he learns his lesson. And straps a manhole cover over his gut.

50 Video Game Characters: 50

2011-02-17T10:11:00.003-05:00

"How many times have I told you? I am NOT to be used as a projectile!"

50. Bob the Killer Goldfish (Earthworm Jim)

Bob is all about the melodrama. From the start of his levels, Jim must traverse nearly endless hallways, invincibly muscular cats and long stretches of water level bullshit like moving from one area to another in an easily breakable glass...submarine?

Regardless, make it through all that and your reward for a job well done is the boss fight with Bob. After a lengthy introduction where Bob is shown to truly be just an average goldfish(albeit an evil, talking goldfish), Jim simply knocks over Bob's fishbowl, leaving the villain incapacitated and the hero victorious in a matter of seconds. If that fight wasn't embarassing enough, in the sequel, Bob returns to do more evil, only for this boss to end with Jim actually picking up and eating him.

Turns out, being a goldfish? Huge handicap for evildoing.

Best moment: The giant Mortal Kombat-style "FIGHT" intro before the first battle, only for him to be knocked over.

Hi It's Me Again

2011-02-17T09:56:00.003-05:00

Let's do another list. Just you and me. Like a family.

So, lemme explain this list for you. This is a list of video game characters and, well...lists of video game characters are somewhat done to death. Deader then death. Done to death than resurrection and death again. It's the Jesus Christ of lists.

So this is list is more or less the underdogs. The overlooked characters, the sidekicks, the underrated villains and, in one case, the indie developed games.

I mean yeah, most, if not all, of these characters are recognizable and some have been on lists in the past. But not for the most part. Sure, you'll see some (very) familiar faces and that's fine.

I feel like I'm rambling and I should stop. SO, let's just do this.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 1

2011-01-02T00:22:00.004-05:00

"I'd wanna let the movie exist, rather than be artificially plot-driven."

1. Adaptation. (2002)

From one Charlie Kaufman film to another. Starring Nic Cage as...Charlie Kaufman. And Charlie's twin brother Donald. Who doesn't actually exist.

Okay let's back up for a second. Charlie Kaufman is hired to write a screenplay for the real life novel The Orchard Thief which he wants to be a faithful adaptation, but is near impossible to adapt due to the lack of a narrative. His brother Donald is also a writer who is making a six figure deal on a generic psychological thriller called The 3.

Suffice it to say, Adaptation is a very surreal film. Written by a real writer about himself writing an adaptation of a real book. And if you ever have any doubt that Nicolas Cage is actually a real good actor when given the proper outlet, watch this. Or Raising Arizona. Or Leaving Las Vegas. Or even .

I think what makes it even more amazing is that it works as a perfect parallel to Kaufman's first screenplay, Being John Malkovich. While John Malkovich is a literal journey into an actor's mind, Adaptation is a much less literal observation of Kaufman's own mind, the mind of the writer. Donald may not be real outside of the film, but he's definitely a facet of Kaufman's own personality. He's the id, a representation of the pleasure principle of Kaufman's mind, the desire to just say "fuck it" to making the meaningful and strange, and to delve into the popcorn flicks that make tons of money.

But he doesn't. And I'm eternally grateful for that.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 2

2010-12-24T14:33:00.002-05:00

"I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be."

2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind(2004)

A strange and fantastical journey through the mind of Joel Barrish, a man trying to erase the memory of his relationship with Clementine Kruczynski after finding out she erased her memory of the relationship, Eternal Sunshine is a wonderfully bizarre film from a wonderfully bizarre team: writer Charlie Kaufman and Lego music video auteur Michel Gondry.

As Joel's mind goes, we see the relationship from the breakup and backwards until they meet, telling a unique love story. It's a brilliant deconstruction on the classic love story and just one element of why Eternal Sunshine is so great.

Other things: the direction is fantastic, as is the writing, Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet are at the top of their game, etc. etc. etc.

Suffice it to say Eternal Sunshine is an unbelivable film and one of my favorites.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 3

2010-12-24T14:07:00.002-05:00

"Computer, define 'dancing'"

3. WALL-E(2008)

Let's just face it right now. If the second half of WALL-E was like the first half of WALL-E, it might be the greatest animated film ever made. Instead it just has to deal with being a film with breathtaking visuals and the most adorable first act of any film.

When the opening of a movie is a camera zooming through space set to music from "Hello, Dolly!," it's apparent that this is not like any other Pixar flick. And sure enough, we spend about 45 minutes seeing a relationship blossom between two characters who do not officially have real dialogue. It's hard not to find the growing love between the old, broken-down WALL-E and the sleek EVE an utterly precious love story.

It's debatable whether this is Pixar's best work or not, but you'd be hard pressed to actually hate it.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 4

2010-12-24T13:50:00.003-05:00

"I like to look for things no one else catches. I hate the way drivers never look at the road in old American movies."

4. Amélie(2001)

Girl is quirky; helps people. Rarely is there more a simplistic story to a film. Yet Jean-Pierre Jeunet's most well-known film is so wonderfully told that it charms its way into your heart.

And of course there's Audrey Tautou, the beautifully adorable face of Amélie Poulain, the whimsical Montmarte resident. It's hard not to fall in love with her goofy demeanor and friendly altruism.

Amélie is frankly the most endearing film on this list. C'est la vie.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 5

2010-12-23T13:31:00.004-05:00

"We're gonna see a brave new world where they run everybody a wire and hook us all up to a grid. Yes, sir, a veritable age of reason. Like the one they had in France. Not a moment too soon."

5. O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)

Ulysses Everett McGill and the two guys hooked to his legs are in a tight spot. On the run from the law, looking for treasure in Depression-era Mississippi and trapped in a modern day Odyssey on the run from the law, but along the way they meet everyone from a one-eyed con man to real life Depression personalities like Tommy Johnson.

It's not as widely regarded as The Big Lebowski or No Country For Old Men, but this is probably the Coen Brothers finest work. A delightfully original take on the classic "hero's journey" style of storytelling. Every character is genuinely likable(even bipolar crazy gangster George Nelson) and the music. Good lord, the music. Imagine if Now That's What I Call Music was around in the early 1900s and that's what you'd have. It's a who's who of old-timey folk songs. Man of Constant Sorrow is one of my favorite songs. And it's all because of this film.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 6

2010-12-23T12:46:00.004-05:00

"For 20 years, you've had this fuckin' thing hidden down here? This is, this is very illegal. I mean, this is... this is a fine — if they catch you with it"

6. District 9(2009)

It's rare to see a mockumentary taken out of its own style, but District 9 is one of the few to pull it off. What starts off as a somewhat goofy sci-fi doc about a mild-mannered manager in charge of alien affairs(with just a hand of not so subtle social commentary).

Very quickly, the film devolves into a chase film as Wikus van der Merwe, the former MNU manager, is slowly transformed into a "prawn"(the human-sized, bipedal shrimp-like residents of District 9). He's subjected to torturous experiments before making his way to the shantytown to search for a cure. Halfway through the film, it transforms from a chase film to an action film, and you never really question it. For the most part, it seems like a natural progression and it just fits. It's the writing.

Also, lightning guns? Never get old.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 7

2010-08-12T12:59:00.004-04:00

"I'm just not the hero type, clearly. What with this laundry list of character defects and all the mistakes I've made, largely publicly."

Iron Man(2008)

As previously stated, Dark Knight is a trash toilet movie for trash toilet people and fuck everything. Iron Man is the worthwhile contender for best superhero movie.

It feels almost unfair to give credit to only Robert Downey Jr. with his performance of Tony Stark but god damn. The man exudes personality in every performance and he TURNS IT UP in this film, making an easily unlikable character like Tony Stark(alcoholic womanizing millionaire) into a rakish charmer that just seems like this cool guy.

Sure, the writing might have had something to do with it. But c'mon, could anyone do it like RDJ?

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 8

2010-08-12T11:46:00.004-04:00

"I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself. Hey Paul!"

8. American Psycho(2000)

Patrick Bateman is trash and he knows it. A man who can barely come to grips with his own Yuppie reality that he escapes into a fantasy world of murder to even feel anything. Or does he? In a world like Patrick Bateman's, who knows what can be real or not. It could simply be Bateman's own escape from banality mixed with his unstable emotions.

Nevertheless, Mary Harron's adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis' landmark 1991 novel is at times simultaneously hilarious and horrifying. Able to take us on a ride through the eyes of madman Bateman, it's Christian Bale's performance that truly makes it, as he is capable of keeping Bateman from going over the edge(or too much over the edge) and making it look like he's not completely crazy.

Every fucking person talks about great American Psycho is. It's like Clerks. It became tired at this point so don't listen to me or whatever.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 9

2010-05-16T05:52:00.002-04:00

"In extreme circumstances, the assailants can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain. I will repeat that: by removing the head or destroying the brain."

9. Shaun of the Dead(2004)

Shaun has no direction in his life. He's 29 and still working as a clerk at an electronics store, he has terrible relationships with his stepfather and flatmate(well, one flatmate) and his girlfriend, tired of their social life(specifically that he brings her to the same bar every night), breaks up with him. Despondent, Shaun finally resolves to sort his life out the morning after a binge. Only problem is, the next morning happens to be the dawn of a zombie apocalypse.

Shaun of the Dead could have easily been another Scary Movie. Just make a comedy with some horror background and then make stupid jokes. But Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright and crew have a deeper appreciation for cinema and made a zom-com(technically a rom-zom-com) that doesn't mock or parody, but lovingly references. While the whole cast is fantastic, but the real stand-outs are obviously Simon Pegg and Nick Frost who have perfect chemistry as Shaun and his crude pal Ed.

To quote a review, "Shaun of the Dead isn’t just the best horror-comedy of the decade – it’s quite possibly the best horror-comedy ever made"

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 10

2010-05-15T09:50:00.002-04:00

"What I say is true; anyone can cook, but only the fearless can be great."

10. Ratatouille(2007)

Remy, gifted with a keen sense of smell and taste and the innate ability to cook, has the aspiration to become a great French chef. There's only one problem: Remy, for all his gifts, is the greatest enemy of any kitchen: a rat.

I think what makes Ratatouille so great is that it's not a WALL-E or an Up. It's a film that's on a smaller scale. It's just a rat who wants to be a great cook, inspired by the words of a deceased chef. But it's hard not to enjoy it and to see the obvious fun director Brad Bird had in making the movie. And the mix of fun animation and storytelling is able to make this film into some form of artwork.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 11

2010-05-14T05:30:00.003-04:00

"What we saw was impossible. You know that, don't you? What do we say? How do we convince them? Ollie, what the hell were those tentacles even attached to?"

11. The Mist(2007)

Fear is what drives us. Everything we're afraid of, we can recognize and thusly have some kind of coping mechanism. But what if we didn't know what we feared? What if there was something out there, in the darkness, waiting to kill you? Would you try to cope under extreme circumstances or would you fight to survive?

David Drayton is soon forced to face this question as he and a choice number of fellow citizens find themselves trapped in a local grocery store trying to survive a mysterious fog filled with murderous creatures. Locked inside with a number of people trying to make sense of what has happened, the survivors slowly break down from stress and fear and eventually become devoted followers of unstable religious fanatic Mrs. Carmody, who soon tries to commit sacrifices to drive away the monsters.

By the end of the film, though, Drayton can't seem to leave the mist and, faced under immense pressure, has to make one of the most daunting choices any human being could make. One that he almost immediately regrets.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 12

2010-05-14T05:12:00.003-04:00

"All the time you spend trying to get back what's been took from you, more is going out the door."

12. No Country For Old Men(2007)

In Texas, 1980, Llwelyn Moss is hunting pronghorn when he comes upon a satchel full of money(roughly two million dollars). Naturally he takes it and soon, very soon, regrets his decision. The men who the satchel belongs to hires cold hitman Anton Chigurh to recover the money by any means necessary. Soon after, another hired operative, Carson Wells also comes tracking down Moss, but to offer protection in return for money.

Eventually and by the time the final chapter of the film comes along we are answered the question we've been wondering: "Does Moss get away with it?" Once the answer is revealed we slowly come to realize this was never about Moss. This was never even about Chigurh(although Javier Bardem's portrayal of the killer is a terrifying three-dimensional slasher movie villain who thrives on the decision of a coin). It's actually about Sheriff Ed Bell and it may as well be. The middle-aged(going on elderly) Bell's search for an answer to the stolen money and escaped criminal is almost a representation of his own culture shock. His uneasy look towards the future that's changing the country from the one he knew as a child, from when he was growing up.

To realize that, near the end of a film, your supposed protagonist doesn't succeed in his task and to have your view shift to the perspective of a completely different character is something that film rarely makes you do: think.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 13

2010-05-14T04:56:00.002-04:00

"Even though I'm no more than a monster - don't I, too, have the right to live?"

13. Oldboy(2003)

Oh Dae-Su has been locked in a hotel room for 15 years, severely tortured by his captors, with no knowledge of why. Released and bitter, he seeks revenge on the men who destroyed him, only to get caught up in a web of violence and fear and falling in love with an attractive sushi chef.

The way all of Oldboy presents itself is not what you would normally see in your traditional film. It strips down the bare essence of humanity and presents an almost animalistic quality to it. Everything within, the extreme violence and gore, the fearless approach of the subject matter and especially the plot as a whole once the ending is revealed, is raw and brilliant against all the other films that it could be put up against.

It's not often a film can make me feel so unnerved and so detatched from humanity. Oldboy can and does, almost as if it know it's just because it can.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 14

2010-05-14T04:30:00.003-04:00

"Once you've met someone, you won't really forget them. It just takes a while for your memory to return."

14. Spirited Away(2001)

Ten-year-old Chihiro is moving with her parents to a new home only for the family to get sidetracked in the countryside. Soon Chihiro finds herself lost in a world of spirits, dragons, witches and other monsters.

If there was anyone we could owe animation to, it's Walt Disney. If there's anyone we could owe a return to the fantastic in animation to, it's Hayao Miyazaki. The reason Pixar exists, the reason it's able to make such beautiful, fantastical films is more or less because of Miyazaki. Much of his work is greatly influenced by great Japanese art which lends it an incredibly natural look to whole film.

It's fascinating to watch Chihiro's metaphoric, "Alice In Wonderland"-like maturation on her adventure in this traditionalist Japanese fantasy world.

Also No-Face is an awesome character.

Also also Hayao Miyazaki looks like a Japanese Colonel Sanders.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 15

2010-05-14T04:13:00.004-04:00

"All these years, all these memories, there was you. You pulled me through time."

15. The Fountain(2006)

It's really hard for me to vocalize what is so amazing about The Fountain. It could just be the beautiful visuals or the sweeping mesmerizing score. It could be the fantastic performances of Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz as lovers in three different time periods. But I think what really gets me is the themes.

The whole thing is about living longer whether it be Captain Tomas Verde's search for the tree of life or Dr. Tommy Creo's desperate search for the cure to his wife's brain tumor. It's a matter that we're all afraid of death and we all try to extend our life before the fear destroys us or death takes us.

And it's all told in one of the most beautiful ways possible. Seriously it's hard to explain this, so just watch it.

25 Best Movies Of The Decade: 16

2010-03-05T14:14:00.004-05:00

"Just because she has on a funny dress doesn't mean she's a princess"

16. Enchanted(2007)

Disney has such a long long line of princesses and animated fairy tales, that it would only seem fitting that they end up mocking them, but Enchanted isn't just that. The story of Princess Giselle, your standard girly Disney princess, being forced from the storybook cartoon world of Andalasia(full of bright colors and talking animals) into the very real New York City, is both a mockery of the Disney princesses of yore and a sweet-natured tribute to all things Disney(Seriously).

Enchanted is a great film because, despite of its own tongue-in-cheek quality, is that it's also incredibly innocent in all of it. Princess Giselle's naivete, making the best of where she is, like cleaning up a house by singing a song and summoning a number of animals, all NY vermin(roaches, rats, pigeons).

Okay, bias time. I love Amy Adams. Seriously. I totally crush on her and it's partly because of Enchanted since she is unbelivably adorable in this movie. Reacting with wide-eyed innocent fascination to all her new surroundings and I just wanna go "AWWWWWWWW" in the whole thing.

If it wasn't for a film that will appear much later, Enchanted would be the cutest film on this list,

25 Best Movies Of The Decade: 17

2010-03-05T13:15:00.002-05:00

"And Nicolas Cage...as...Fu Manchu!"

17. Grindhouse (2007)

I fucking miss old grindhouse movies(note: I am only 19). Like seriously, blaxploitation movies, women in prison films, the shockumentary mondo cinema flicks. It seems the only genres of exploitation cinema that made it out of the grindhouse cinemas of old are the Spaghetti Westerns(thanks to actors like Clint Eastwood) and the Slasher films.

That's why when Grindhouse came out, I wanted to pass out in excitement. An old-time gritty film double feature. It seemed totally authentic as if these films were fished out of some old dusty abandoned movie theater. The film was grainy and the plot was gory. The majority of the actors were character actors or people you never remember(Freddy Rodriguez, Danny Trejo, Rose McGowan, I'm looking in the direction of you guys). This was Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez's giant love letter to the films that raised them.

The absolute best moments, though, come from the trailers before and between the films. Done by director friends(save for Robert Rodriguez's great "Machete"), the trailers are sneak peeks for quick faux-films and are the most uproarious bits of the entire double feature. Edgar Wright's Hammer-style "Don't," Eli Roth's '70s slasher "Thanksgiving" and Rob Zombie's horror/Nazi "Werewolf Women of tht SS" are all genuinely, hilariously enticing and are all films I would seriously want to watch.

And because I love that line about Nic Cage as Fu Manchu:

25 Best Movies Of The Decade: 18

2010-02-13T22:30:00.004-05:00

"The sixties are an important and exciting time!"

18. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story(2007)

2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000. Every year this decade, a big name biopic has netted at least one Oscar for performance(Seriously, look that shit up).

I don't mind biopics. Some can be really, really good(see: Gandhi), but lately there has been an absolute glut of biopics. So I suppose it's good to see the shit shot out of them.

Walk Hard is brilliant in that instance. Everything you could possibly think that they would do in a biopic, they do in this movie. The terribly tragedy(slicing his brother in half with a machete), the choice to see how young an actor can play(in this instance, John C. Reilly starts playing Dewey at the age of 14), even the way the main character encounters important figures from that age.

That's one of the thing that really shines about Walk Hard. As Dewey Cox ages, he consistenly runs into the famous people of the era. The most chuckle-worthy being his encounter with an unintelligible, karate-chopping Elvis Presley(played by musician Jack White) and Dewey taking his band on a meditation trip to India with The Beatles(portrayed absurdly by Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Jason Schwartzman and Justin Long).

The music is equally amazing. Dewey's musical evolution from goofy pop singer(the sugary "Take My Hand" which incites a riot and people claiming it's the "devil's music") to bitter country superstar(the Johnny Cash-like "Guilty As Charged" underscoring a dark period in his life) to political folk singer(the offensive song of the people "Dear Mr. President" and the nonsensical Dylanesque "Royal Jelly"). The music perfectly reflects every musical biopic where all the music really means is "HERE IS THE YEAR."

And I would be remiss if I didn't mention John C. Reilly. Reilly is one of my favorite actors and the kind of actor I aspire to be. His ability to balance being an excellent comedic actor and an excellent dramatic actor is only enhanced by his incredible singing voice and great use as a go-to character actor. I don't even have to describe why I loved his performance of Dewey Cox. I've talked enough about Reilly himself to have you know why I liked the role.

25 Best Movies Of The Decade: 19

2010-02-11T13:09:00.001-05:00

"Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and then jump out of a fuckin' air-o-plane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin', mass murderin' maniac and they need to be destroyed."

19. Inglourious Basterds(2009)

After the dismal performance of the Grindhouse double feature(which is a shame because I fucking loved Grindhouse. Both films and all the trailers), it easily could have been thought that Quentin Tarantino was bound for another long dry spell between movies. Then all of a sudden, came the Basterds.

A World War II fantasy piece, Basterds explores a Spaghetti Western in the middle of Nazi-occupied France. In 1941, Col. Hans Landa, "The Jew Hunter" kills a family of refugee French Jews, leaving only Shoshanna Dreyfuss to run free. Flash-forward three years to American's involvement of the war and we meet the titular squad: a fierce Jewish fighting force led by Lt. Aldo Raine and including former Nazi Hugo Stiglitz and Donny Donowitz, whose vicious attacks with a baseball bat has led the Germans to dub him "The Bear Jew."

While most Tarantino works rely on more modern styles of cinematography, his direction in this one keeps it more related to the old war films of yesteryear. Scenes are held for absurdly long times to escalate moments to amazing tenseness. The writing as well shows a difference in style for Tarantino, as the characters are less verbose(especially Brad Pitt's Lt. Raine, who keeps things to a minimum, vocabulary-wise).

The acting especially shines. Both Pitt's portrayal of Aldo "The Apache" and Eli Roth's Sgt. Donowitz are hilariously over-the-top as every other word out of their mouths either instill fear or laughter. But for all the brilliance of the Basterds, the non-Americans seem to shine the most.

Shosanna, played by Mélanie Laurent, is absolutely amazing as she lives under an alias in Paris as a cinema operator, slowly working out her plan for revenge on the Nazis that killed her family. Laurent's performance masterfully blends the fear and anger that many Jews in hiding possibly could have felt. Then, there's Hans Landa. Cristoph Waltz exudes intensity as the slimy over-the-top Colonel and when he finally comes face-to-face with Aldo Raine in his captivity, he's able to balance the drama of the scene and Tarantino's ever-present use of comedy.

Inglourious Basterds is the greatest film with a misspelled film title I've ever seen.

25 Greatest Movies Of The Decade: 20

2010-02-10T10:34:00.005-05:00

"I like the way I feel. I like thinking about the red dress and the television and you and your father. Now when I get the sun, I smile."

20. Requiem for a Dream(2000)

Legitimately one of the most disturbing, depressing films I have ever seen in my lifetime. Requiem for a Dream revolves around the lives of four individuals and how addiction ruins them. One by one, being toppled by the reality that shatters their illusions of life.

As Harry Goldfarb, his girlfriend Marion and his friend Tyrone all abuse and sell heroin for profit so they can fulfill their dreams, Harry's mother Sara slowly becomes addicted to diet pills in a desperate attempt to fit into an old red dress before an appearance on motivational speaker Tappy Tibbon's infomercial. All of them are splendidly performed by their actors(yes, including MARLON WAYANS as Tyrone). And as with this stuff, things seem to be fine at first, until moments slowly unravel and by the end it all falls down. Tyrone has been jailed and left alone, Marion is selling her body for drugs, Harry had to have an arm amputated and Sara is forced to undergo electroshock treatment after the diet pills and her own anxiety about her weight leaves her losing her sanity.

In Requiem for a Dream, there is no fairness, only truth. And Darren Aronofsky's direction shows it through a lens of fear and isolation.

25 Best Movies Of The Decades: 21

2010-02-10T10:11:00.004-05:00

"Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know, Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, 'Being There.' Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard."

21. Tropic Thunder(2008)

Sometimes Ben Stiller can really be insanely funny(The Ben Stiller Show, for example). Since his minor role in Spielberg's "Empire of the Sun," Stiller has been writing this comedy. And it was only released two years ago.

The film is about the making of "Tropic Thunder," based on a book about the horrors of the Vietnam War and how its prima donna actors are dropped into the jungle, forcing them to play the roles without a comfy film set. Of course soon after the director gets killed and the actors(convinced it was a set up) try to continue acting until one of their own is captured by a Vietnamese drug gang.

While the plot and writing is pretty good, it's the characters that are actually the focus of the film, as each deals with their own deep-seated insecurites. Stiller's Tugg Speedman is a past-his-prime action star who's about to release the sixth film in his "Scorcher" franchise, looking to save his career and find a way to be taken seriously after his first dramatic role, "Simple Jack" about a magical and mentally disabled farmhand, fails miserably. Jack Black's Jeff Portnoy is an overweight and drug addicted comedy star, also looking to be taken seriously who feels people only love his films, like the flatulent sequel "The Fatties: Fart 2," for the crude jokes.

Lastly, there's Kirk Lazarus, who I've written extensively about previously. Robert Downey Jr's character is a multiple Academy Award-winning Australian method actor who gets so deep into his character's that he doesn't drop them until after DVD commentary. In this case, he performs African-American Sergeant Lincoln Osiris, a role for which he underwent a controversial "pigmentation alteration" surgery and speaks through most of the film in a stereotypical 70s black voice. While it seems at first that Lazarus is only in character, by the end of the film it's revealed that for all his knowledge of the roles he plays, he has no idea who he is.

The whole film is an excellent middle finger to the entirety of the film business, from the agents to the executives to award ceremonies.

25 Best Movies Of The Decade: 22

2010-02-09T22:49:00.002-05:00

"What are you doing? We don't stop here."

22. Mulholland Drive(2001)

Do not ask me what this movie is about. I do not know what this movie is about. There's an amnesia plotline, Billy Ray Cyrus is in it, there's some kind of crazy burnt face lady that's really scary and Naomi Watts makes some sweet love to another woman for like the last half hour of the film. It's a mind fuck.

But like most of David Lynch's works, it's a beautiful mind fuck. It leads you down paths that make no sense and nothing is ever solved because life is weird sometimes or whatever. It's in this expression of surrealism that Lynch's oeuvre always manifests, creating dreamlike worlds out of realistic settings. Always deeply disturbing, always entrancing.

Don't...don't actually ask me to explain anything about David Lynch's films.

25 Best Movies Of The Decade: 23

2010-02-09T13:00:00.003-05:00

"Sauron's wrath will be terrible, his retribution swift. The battle for Helm's Deep is over. The battle for Middle Earth is about to begin. All our hopes now lie with two little hobbits, somewhere in the wilderness."

23. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers(2002)

The middle film of a trilogy tends to be equal to the sum of its two other parts(see: Empire Strikes Back, Spider-Man 2. Although, Temple of Doom is an exception to the rule) and Two Towers exhibits the greater parts as a middle as opposed to the humble beginnings of Fellowship and the 18 different wrap-up endings of Return of the King.

The film exhibits a greater strength of story as Frodo and the rest of the Fellowship split apart after the death of Gandalf. As Aragorn(Man), Gimli(Dwarf) and Legolas(Legend of Zelda character) set out to save Merry and Pippin from a pack of Uruk-hai, Frodo and Samwise are still on the trail to Mt. Doom to destroy the ring of power with a strange, schizophrenic little creature named Gollum who has one personality that wants to help his new Hobbit friends and the other that simply wants to murder them and take his "precious"(the ring) back.

I've never been one to focus so much on CGI, but Peter Jackson knows how to wield it better than anyone. The centerpiece of the film, the battle for Helm's Deep is one of the most expansive, jaw-dropping scenes I have ever seen in my life and it's basically one of the first of its kind. As 10,000 Uruk-hai storm the Rohan stronghold of Helm's Deep, a massive fight ensues for what seems like forever. There is so much going on in that scene that it's absolutely amazing.

And of course, there's Gollum, who I've written about before. It seems odd that what could have been a shoddy, dead-eyed CGI character(Zemeckis), but look at that face up there. It's absolutely amazing the way Jackson and his team(including actor Andy Serkis who provided the motion-capture and voice of Gollum) were able to fully flesh out a character who exhibits the oldest conflict of man(well, former Hobbit) vs. self. Gollum is able to garner our simultaneous sympathy and hatred, especially in the scene where the innocent half, Sméagol makes a desperate attempt to banish the Gollum personality.

25 Best Movies Of The Decade: 24

2010-02-08T09:36:00.003-05:00

"I'm sorry...was that like a secret pudding?"
24. Punch-Drunk Love(2002)

Adam Sandler plays Barry Egan, a man who owns a company that markets assorted novelty items including "fungers," which are humorously themed toilet plungers. Welcome to an Adam Sandler film!

As opposed to your standard Sandler fare, though, "Punch-Drunk Love" is all about more genuine emotion. Paul Thomas Anderson once again shows how he can get the best out of any actor(see: Burt Reynolds, Tom Cruise) and gives Adam Sandler the darkest performance of his lifetime. Barry is a repressed, violent man with a perverse way of showing love and affection and who may or may not be borderline insane. He's basically a standard Adam Sandler character if that character existed in the real world: a dangerously unbalanced man whose passiveness underlies a stewing rage.

"Punch-Drunk Love" is one of the most surreal love stories you'll ever see and it's more than excellent in that regard.

25 Best Movies Of The Decade: 25

2010-02-07T14:50:00.005-05:00

"Remember Sammy Jankis..."

25. Memento(2000)

Getting this out of the way by saying I hate the new Batman films. Everything is too stupidly "gritty" for my tastes and Christian Bale is a boring Batman and there are plot holes everywhere all the time.

That being said, those movies still look pretty good and that's because of Christopher Nolan. Memento is still Nolan's best work and it's in part of his own direction and in part Jonathan Nolan's writing.

Leonard Shelby is looking for the man who murdered his wife. The only problem is he suffers from anterograde amnesia, a condition that means he cannot retain memory of recent events, leaving him to tattoo information all over his body and documenting things with a Polaroid camera.

Of course, at the beginning of the film we see Shelby actually killing the man who killed his wife and the rest of the film plays backwards, almost mirroring Leonard's own short-term memory loss as it makes you encounter the same things he does while entirely in the dark. Well...wait, okay. Only half of the film is backwards. The part in color is backwards and the part in black and white is told chronologically, the story only meets in the ending. An ending, I might add, that gives a great twist to the entirety of Leonard Shelby's existence and an ending that only leaves us with knowledge of the future of Shelby and his friend Teddy.

Top 10 TV Shows of the Decade

2009-12-30T19:15:00.014-05:00

1. Arrested Development

Smart and funny, Arrested Development is the best show of the decade. When Bluth patriarch George Sr. is arrested for fraud, son Michael is forced to keep the wealthy family under control as they face bankruptcy.

Filled with jokes with callbacks, gags, forshadowing and the just plain absurd, the writers and actors of Arrested Development revel in the reflexive and postmodern. Never before did a show reward a regular viewer with such rich looping jokes and near-catchphrases as AD.

The characters are equally as absurd. Michael's brother GOB(George Oscar Bluth) is a self-absorbed ~~magician~~ illusionist who sometimes employs the use of a racist puppet named Franklin Delano Bluth(a parody of Roosevelt Franklin). Tobias Funke(pronounce "fyoon-kay"), Michael's brother-in-law, is a therapist-turned-failed actor who has a rare fear of being naked in front of anyone(he wears cut-offs underneath his clothing) and is oblivious to his own homosexual tendencies and malapropisms.

Above all else, Arrested Development was a show that respected it's audience, no matter how many of them were watching. It's a miracle in and of itself that it made it through three seasons.

It was the story of a wealthy family and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.

That's Arrested Development.

2. The Wire

Baltimore is a big city, seemingly separated by many facets of the town. What began as a fair depiction of the drug trade in the first season, The Wire slowly expanded, each season showcasing another chapter of Baltimore's institutions. The school system, the newspaper, the unions, even the drug dealers all dealing with how the corrupt and immoral prey upon the smallest of the small.

In The Wire, there is rarely a happy ending. Characters you come to know and respect and sympathize with get murdered in cold blood. For the most part, the show is like a modern Greek tragedy(with the occasional addition of very, very dark humor). Each part of the city will end up faltering due to corruption and these characters are forced to deal with their own lot in life.

Rooted in redemption, The Wire treats us to a realistic look at urban life, sociopolitical themes and the human condition of the both the immoral and the quiet heroes who always try to make a difference

3. Mad Men

There is not much to say with these shows higher up that everyone hasn't already said, but I'm gonna try anyways.

Mad Men is a period piece. It's the story of an ad agency in the 1960s and of adman Don Draper's life in and out of the office. While most period pieces only use the time as a basis for "hey, remember when this happened?" moments, Mad Men simply treats the time as a background. An age where men could smoke at work and the only women in the office were secretaries. The characters of Mad Men are simply riding the time, unaware of the storm of change about to come crashing down on them.

One of the great things about Mad Men is how the show plays out like a film of that era. Long tense silences appear throughout episodes, cameras pan and will hold on a single shot forever. All this only makes the show feel more like something legitimately coming from the era.

So many shows paint the '60s as the mystical era where hippies ruled the land, but there were real people, facing the sudden changes around them. Still clueless of what's to come.

4. 30 Rock

Sometimes life is unfair, sometimes Arrested Developments will always be cancelled and replaced with a reality show. Sometimes, though, life can be great. Back when it started, Tina Fey's 30 Rock, a show about a behind-the-scenes look at a sketch comedy show on NBC, was thought to fail when against Aaron Sorkin's Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, a show about a behind-the-scenes look at a sketch comedy show on NBC.

Thankfully, Studio 60 will probably end up lost in this decade and the three-time Best Comedy award winner 30 Rock is in the middle of it's fourth awesome season. Unlike Futurama or Arrested Development, there aren't a bunch of callback or loop around jokes, it's a one-stop sight gag and joke factory(ie. a line about intelligent writing segues into a joke about a robot with "too many farts in it"). The amount of gags come fast through each episode as Fey's Liz Lemon tries to keep control of the show's delusional stars, deal with her overbearing boss and make sense of the friendly, Southern NBC page.

Also there's a man named Dr. Spaceman.

5. Futurama

"Space: it seems to go on and on forever and then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwing barrels at you."

The first words spoken in Futurama reflect the entirety of the show: awe-inspiring sci-fi dialogue broken apart by humor. When pizza delivery boy Fry gets accidentally cryogenically frozen, he ends up in the year 3000. There, he makes friends with an alcoholic robot and a one-eyed alien and ends up working for his(great-great-etc.) nephew's universal delivery service.

Most science-fiction shows either present a utopia or a dystopia, Futurama gave us the city of New New York. Built on top of Old New York, NNY is just a slightly more futuristic. Sure, there are pneumatic tubes, rocketships, robots and suicide booths, but there's still weirdos roaming the streets(although now its just aliens), there's still a pest problems(owls now instead of pigeons or rats). New New York is barely new.

Futurama, as a science-fiction show, always had it's share of scientific and mathematic references, but they never hold it above the audience's heads. Even if they do, jokes about the sum of two cubes frequently share space with slapstick and lowbrow humor. Futurama isn't just about comedy, the depth of the writing is so deep that number of major events culminated in the episode "The Why of Fry," where multiple episodes get called back and it becomes revealed that Fry's freezing was not an accident.

Oh, they also made some sad episodes that were really sad.

6. Freaks and Geeks

Judd Apatow's reign of benevolence as Hollywood's King of Comedy began here. Creator Paul Feig devised a show based on his own experience as a nerd in high school back in the early 80s and with it came the greatest teen drama to ever take itself halfway seriously.

A show featuring "what high school was like for the rest of us," it focused on the titular freaks and geeks of McKinley High School in Michigan, primarily told through Sam Weir(a geek) and his older sister, Lindsay(a freak, formerly a "mathlete" geek). Setting it in the early 80s gave way to an excellent soundtrack putting it in its classic rock time period as well as getting rid of the problems of trying to write for modern teenagers. Imagine people in their early 30s getting to accurately write what its like to be a teen! In its one and only season, Freaks and Geeks managed to capture the tribulations of being a teenager in that or any time.

7. Metalocalypse/The Venture Bros./Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!
The world's most popular metal band, a bitter boy adventurer and his sons, a cast of freakish characters, usually played by the same two people. There's nothing too similar between these three things, but Adult Swim's three best shows prove that late night, non-Comedy Central programming can be excellent.

Metalocalypse concerns Dethklok, the world's most popular metal band. So popular that the world's economy pretty much depends on them. Each member of the band is childish, obnoxious and obsessed with anything and everything "brutal." Many of their concerts end in an array of violence and destruction, caused usually by their own ineptitude. Past the incredible violence comes excellent comedic writing as the five members constantly bicker or generally act like dildos, completely unaware of the secret government facility monitoring them, afraid they will fulfill the ancient prophecy of the "Metalocalypse."

Rusty Venture was once a great boy adventurer, following his father Jonas Venture on his amazing adventures. Today, however, he is a bitter super-scientist living in his father's shadow and having to deal with a butterfly-themed arch-nemesis while his two sons try to solve mysteries or live the life of boy adventurers. For a show that airs on basic cable at midnight, The Venture Brothers is one of the most expertly crafted shows currently on television. Episodes mocking animated action shows from the 60s, references to 80s new wave bands, as well characters that include a hydrocephalic midget quiz champion, a dictator with a metal bottom jaw and a homosexual Sean Connery-alike all bound about in this masterful animated tribute to sadness and failure.

Tim and Eric love making you feel awkward. They achieve this via a sketch comedy show filled with public TV mockeries. Characters like squealy enzyme-ridden Casey Tatum, dazed news reporter Dr. Steve Brule(played by John C. Reilly) and Tim and Eric themselves present some strange world where hilariously poor editing and(sometimes) intentionally poor acting hide a brilliantly odd sense of surrealist humor that frequently cross the realm of what should and shouldn't be funny.

8. The Office (UK/US)

The show that made it okay for humor to be dangerously awkward, both versions of The Office present life in a small paper company, shown through the eyes of a documentary crew. The boss is an insufferable goofball who would rather be friends with everyone there than be a decent leader. His second-in-command is a sycophantic salesman with delusions of grandeur. Another salesman and the office receptionist are partners-in-crime, plotting pranks on the humorless pencil pusher and frequently facing romantic tension.

Focusing in on the humiliating, awkward and tense, The Office found a way to make you squirm in your seat while laughing at the white-collar boredom and frustration boiling to the surface of the mid-level business. It would almost seem tragic if it wasn't so damn funny.

9. Curb Your Enthusiasm

In real life, Larry David is a slightly neurotic comedy writer, co-creating the beloved 90s sitcom Seinfeld and helming this HBO gem.

In the realm of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry David is a terrible man. A crotchety, obnoxious comedy writer who co-created Seinfeld. It's not just about that man who's driven by his own low self-esteem and overinflated ego. His wife, his agent and best friend, his agent's wife all must suffer with this bag of neuroses. Even his Hollywood friends, who are almost as selfish as he is, can't stand him.

Larry David is a rotten prick who we want to punch in the face. And he's the guy we're supposed to be rooting for.

10. Yo Gabba Gabba!

Sometime in the late 90s, children's television had this weird boom. Bland, educational television soon turned into brightly colored, wild shows that happened to appeal to children. Average art or characters turned into avant-garde art that would, on occasion, appear really freaky. While shows like Spongebob Squarepants started the trend and shows like Flapjack keep it going, Yo Gabba Gabba! perfected the absurd blend of insane and educational.

Created by Christian Jacobs, lead singer of superhero ska band, The Aquabats, Yo Gabba Gabba! is a candyland of pastels used to draw children in and crazy characters to keep them in. Strange full bodied costumed characters jump around and sing about standard edutainment fare like sharing and crap like that, but considering the show's creator is a musician, many of the songs are catchy and fun to listen to.

The show has a following not only among young kids, but many college-age students watch and enjoy as well. Well beyond the trippy visuals, the show is a hotbed of indie appeal. The Shins, Shiny Toy Guns and Of Montreal have all performed on the show. Biz Markie teaches kids to beatbox. Mark Mothersbaugh of Devo teaches kids how to draw various items. "Milk and Cheese" creator Evan Dorkin designed the animated segment "Super Martian Robot Girl." Looking back on the decade there is no show stranger than Yo Gabba Gabba! And this show was for kids.

Christmas Wrapping (It Up)

2009-12-25T17:17:00.013-05:00

Merry Yule Log, everyone! Time to show the selective fallout of my holiday season. It's fun times!

First up are DVDs. Among Up(;-;), 30 Rock Season 3, The Office Season 5 and Flight of the Conchords Season 2 include:

The first season of Spectacle with Elvis Costello. He interviews and performs with a number of musical luminaries like Elton John, The Police, Herbie Hancock, Lou Reed and Former President Bill Clinton?

Three seasons of The Muppet Show and

40 years worth of Sesame Street clips.

For more information on Muppets, please refer to the entirety of November on this blog.

I got some pretty sweet posters:

\m/ ROCKIN YER FACE OFF 1988 FEATURING GUNS N ROSES, KISS, DAVID LEE ROTH, IRON MAIDEN AND MEGADETH! BOOM YEAH!

MIXIN THE WHEELS OF STEEL WITH RHYMES SO HOT YOU'LL GET THIRD DEGREE BURNS BABY! IT'S DETROIT'S FIRST ANNUAL SUPER(SUPER) RAP(RAP) ATTACK(ATTACK...attack...attack)BEASTIE BOYS AND RUN DMC PLUS SPECIAL GUESTS AFRICA BAMBAATA(what the hell, that's not how it's spelled) AND GRANDMASTER FLASH AND THE FURIOUS FIVE. HELL YEAH!

And now a short presentation entitled "Some shirts I got for Christmas:"

Also, I got some jellybeans(eff yes) and a few books. But most importantly, I got the best gift of all: ~~love~~ cash. About $150 worth, which I'm gonna spend on video games probably.

Merry Christmas, you guys!

Fairytale of New York

2009-12-24T10:57:00.002-05:00

The Pogues are awesome. I know like two songs by them that aren't "Fairytale of New York" and they are also great, but "Fairytale of New York"! Oh man, what a song. Like a damned modern Christmas classic. A fine taste of bittersweet holiday magic.

Shane MacGowan's warbly voice echoes the opening, singing about Christmas Eve in a drunk tank, dour and alone, as a bum talks to him about Christmas. As the bum begins singing "The Rare Old Mountain Dew," an old Irish drinking ballad, he reminisces about his past Christmases with a young woman(played by Kristy MacColl).

The song soon becomes a call and response between MacGowan and MacColl, as they sing about their happy first Christmas as immigrants to New York City. Very quickly it turns dark, as alcohol and drug addiction soon take their toll and what was once a loving relationship devolves into angry bickering and name calling(the words "faggot" and "slut" get thrown out in the song). All the while, though, the NYPD choir sing "Galway Bay"(NYPD doesn't actually have a choir). By the end, MacColl insults MacGowan by saying he "took my dreams from me when I first found you." MacGowan remorsefully reveals that not only did he keep her dreams with him, but he built his own dreams around his love for her.

For all the darkness carried inside of it, this ode to a less than merry Christmas is an incredibly beautiful modern classic.

HEY LOOK GUYS IT'S MATT DILLON AS THAT COP AT THE BEGINNING