50 Video Game Characters: 13

"Get a load of this!"



13. Dr. Robotnik (Sonickal Hedgeman)

Sonic the Hedgehog is a destructive force of nature. Aside from being faster than the human eye, once thought a scientific impossibility for a creature his size, he is also a vicious eco-terrorist, going to any means to destroy all of Ivo Robotnik's(alias Dr. Eggman) technological advancements.

Despite Robotnik attempting to further Mobius'(or Earth or wherever the fuck) into the 21st century, Sonic, like a violent Luddite, seeks to destroy all that he, as a hedgehog, does not and refuses to understand. And even when Robotnik tries to make something for all, like a family themed park dubbed Eggmanland, Sonic still barges in and destroys it all before it can be opened for the public to enjoy.

Effortlessly marching forward, Robotnik ceases to give up, much like his grandfather Gerald, a forefather of bioengineering. Persevere, Ivo, your time will come soon enough.

Best moment:

50 Video Game Characters: 15

"Humans were never meant to bring each other happiness. From the moment we are thrown into this world, we bring each other nothing but pain and misery"



15. Psycho Mantis (Metal Gear Solid)

Every member of FOXHOUND was a bit different. Sure, Sniper Wolf was an expert at long-range battle and Revolver Ocelot could do the spinny thing, but Psycho Mantis? Dude was the master of mindfuckery. He will destroy you without ever having to see you or touch you.

A former KGB agent, Mantis moved to the States after the collapse of the Soviet Union. He found work in the FBI, where he would probe the minds of suspected killers to judge whether or not they committed the crime. He eventually dove too deep and went insane, and a psychotic psychic is probably the worst thing to ever be a thing.

Mantis was a beast on all levels, attacking both physically and mentally. Even unstoppable in death, Mantis was able to harness his psychic abilities as a part of Screaming Mantis' brain and is even shown behind the lady Mantis, presumably pulling the strings.

Psycho Mantis presented the player with something they had never seen before: a villain who not only was bent on beating the protagonist, but on beating you, the player, as well. He knows you're pulling the strings and he wants to stop it.

Best moment: His numerous mind tricks where he

50 Video Game Characters: 19

"Now I know you blind, man - but you gotta see this"



19. Carl Johnson (Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas)

Growing up in gang-infested Los Santos, Carl "CJ" Johnson had no choice but to be wrapped up in the Grove Street Families business. But after the death of his brother Brian, CJ resolved to get out at age 18, moving to Liberty City on the east coast. But after the death of his mom(s)(notice a pattern forming?) five years later, Carl is forced back for the funeral and after seeing drugs running rampant in his city, he decides to stay and help out the Family.

Over the course of the game, Carl goes from small-time hoodlum, robbing houses and shooting rival gangs, to some big time shit. He manages a rapper(who's career he ruined earlier), he robs a casino in a big time heist, he invades a secret govenment facility for a jetpack. San Andreas, if you haven't gathered yet, is a pretty wild game, especially if you consider past game, which didn't have much diversity in terms of activity and vehicles.

Speaking of diversity, Carl Johnson is also a fairly positive depiction of a black man. At least in video games, where most of them are mainly gangsters. I mean yeah Carl is still a gangster but he aims not to bring people down, but to bring them up. To get rid of drugs and bring the GSF back together and all that good shit. Plus he's more of a step up in terms of character than previous GTA protagonists(an angry, unlikeable Italian and a nondescript mute white guy) and it gave Rockstar the go ahead to put more diversification into the game. Since then we've had a boring Serbian man, a Jewish biker and a Dominican bodyguard/business partner to a fairly non-stereotypical gay nightclub owner. Good on you guys.

Best moment: Basically planning to rob a casino for 1/3rd of the entire damn game all by himself. That takes some fucking brains.

50 Video Game Characters: 22

"I am only a man."



22. Commander Video (Bit.Trip Beat)

From birth comes death. From all, nothing. From beat, life. There is the rub. It is all inevitability. Simply.

To understand one's self, one must delve deeper than the surface. One must explore the core of what makes us all. The drive, the fear, the hope, the fury, the sorrow, the pain, the joy, the end.

But what of when the sorrow overtakes our bodies? What then, when the void fills us? Do you we simply fold like laundry or do we explode, whether it be inward or outward? We press on, we grow older.

Like a long-distance runner, time is ever moving, never stopping. We age, we move, we continue forward eternally.

Eternally, that is, until we reach what must be the end. A life resigned to fate. The end. It is unstoppable, inevitable.

Life is forever, from birth until death, in a constant state of flux. From on end of the cycle to the next. And where do we part from there? Another life, a soul inhabiting one corporeal frame to the next? An eternity in paradise or damnation?

There is none. There is only. Letting go.

Life is.

Simply.






doctor videogames here is the mascot for the bit dort trip games and why the fr*ck is he pixels he's from 2009 this some bullshit.

50 Video Game Characters: 23

"It's all part of the plan"




23. Revolver Ocelot (Metal Gear Solid)

The son of the Boss, Adamska rose through the ranks to become the Major in his own specialized Spetsnaz team dubbed "Ocelot unit." He's kind of a smug jerk and also totally in love with Naked Snake(ocelot x snake squeeee lolz). Major Ocelot grew to appreciate the power of the revolver after a suggestion from his crush that he should use the gun instead of the standard Makarov handgun. Oh also he was a triple agent and weird shit and whatever who cares.

Flash forward like 40 years and Revolver Ocelot is now super evil and also insane. Dude does so much weird shit now that he's an old man and harassing Naked Snake's clone son. He developed a torture fetish from his days in Russia, he starts calling himself Shalashaska, he pretends to absorb Liquid Snake's essence into his arm, he does this thing:



And through it all, he gets more done that the fucking protagonist. He is, for lack of a better understanding, better than Solid Snake.

Over the course of the Metal Gear Solid series, Revolver Ocelot is the only character that truly becomes as outrageous as the story is. Sure, Raiden and Snake and Otacon are running around pretending this all makes sense, but Ocelot just goes batshit nuts.

Best moment:

50 Video Game Characters: 24

"It figures the only thing in this damn city NOT on fire is the one thing we need to burn down"



24. Francis (Left 4 Dead)

Let's just get this out of the way right now. Francis doesn't like you. Even if you don't know him, Francis hates you. But it's not your fault, Francis is a hateful man. Throughout the game, as four survivors are finding their way out of Pennsylvania, biker Francis expresses his disdain for everything from cops to airplanes to stairs to Ayn Rand(although he has a point with that one).

A completely brash asshole and a total idiot, Francis asserts his dickish nature the whole time, constantly talking about how much he hates everything, especially all the "goddamned vampires" running around trying to kill him and his teammates. Suffice it to say, Francis' one-liners are a welcome cut to all the tension in Left 4 Dead.

Best moment: After getting on his team's nerves enough with his hatred, he's finally asked what he doesn't hate. His answer?

He doesn't hate vests.

50 Video Game Characters: 25

"Yes, yes the city years, I like to call them. I was a raccoon of action, hm?"



25. Tom Nook (Animal Crossing)

Tom Nook is the eyes and ears of your new town. He's also the fucking pocket.

Nook will bleed you dry at every opportunity. Once you find yourself a house, you have to pay him the mortgage. Once you pay the mortgage, he'll expand your house. When you do that, he'll do it again. And again. Your money is his money and no matter how many times you pay him off, you'll still owe him. If not for the house, then for the fact that his is the only racket in town. Sure, every so often a black market dealer will come around, but Nook will presumably rat him out to the cops so his monopoly stays in the black.

Tortimer may be mayor, but make no mistake: he is merely a puppet figurehead. Tom Nook is in control. Your little town is a Plutocracy, that in which the wealthiest rule. And Tom Nook is the richest little raccoon in the business.

And he owns you.

Best Moment: The fact that you can't refuse your house expanse no matter what. Fucker.

50 Video Game Characters: 27

"Shake it, baby"



27. Duke Nukem (Duke Nukem)


Duke Nukem is an alpha male. Or at least that's what he wants you to believe. Originally, he was a semi-simpering couch potato with a pink tanktop, a machine gun and a love of Oprah. However, come the third game in the series, Duke was transformed into a shaded, cigar-chomping, macho man spouting stolen one-liners from better heroes.

So yeah, Duke Nukem is a violent sexist asshole. But he's no better than any Tom, Dick or Arnold from the 80s. That's all Duke is. One overblown doofy(doof nufem) action hero parody turned to 11. And it works for him. It's a great evolution for the most American video game character of all time.

Best moment: His promise to a monster that he'll "tear off your head and shit down your neck." Which he proceeds to do after killing him. Complete with newspaper in hand.

50 Video Game Characters: 32

"When you see your brother in hell, tell him he's still a douche."



32. Travis Touchdown(No More Heroes)

For a stereotypical otaku, Travis Touchdown is anything but. He is crude and punkish, displays a unique style of dress, has a distinct interest in wrestling(particularly lucha libre and Japanese wrestling icons) and, oh yeah, he's a professional hitman turned the number 1 ranked assassin in the world.

For all his crassness, Travis lives by an honor code, refusing to kill women(mostly) and people he sees as "True Warriors" that he holds respect for. In addition, he can show sympathy for those he kills and even displays respectable behavior when not on the job.

Did I mention he's an otaku? Because he still is a huge fucking otaku. Dude loves moe~, especially the Pure White Lover Bizarre Jelly series, of which he has a shit ton of collectibles. Also he lives alone. With his cat.

Travis Touchdown is a mystery wrapped within an enigma wrapped within a dork wrapped within a badass.

Best moment: Literally one of his first moments in the first game is, as he's entering Death Metal's mansion, he JUMPS OFF HIS BIKE, FLIES IN THE AIR, CUTS THE HEAD OFF TWO GUARDS, LANDS, YELLS "FUCKHEAD" AND THE GUARDS HEADS COME FLYING THE FUCK OFF.

Please note that the entirety of No More Heroes is like this all the time

50 Video Game Characters: 36

"Why you insolent fool! I will crush you with a loud, loud crunch!"


36. Dr. Wiwy (Mega Man)

A former collaborator of Dr. Thomas Light, Dr. Albert Wily aided in the creation of 8 humanoid robots designed to help society in various way. Jealous of the world ignoring his contributions to the machines, he reprogrammed 6 of the 8 robots(the other two being child-like robots) and sent them to blaze a path of destruction.

Dr. Wily is the mad mind behind the 8 robot masters that Mega Man must defeat. In every game. Why keep up the robot master routine after getting defeated 10 times? Eventually you run out of ideas and you start building shit like a train robot or a robot that looks like a sheep. A sheep robot is a terrible idea.

Wily is great because he's a prototypical mad scientist in the video game world and a complete pissy shit who got mad when people didn't give him enough attention.

Best moment: At the end of every game, when he's left bowing and scraping for forgiveness. Because he's a total coward.

50 Video Game Characters: 41

"Oh dear...you wanna fight me?! This is just dreadful!"



41. Kefka Palazzo (Final Fantasy VI)

A lot of people are scared of clowns and for good reason, they just seem like they're insane. The face paint, the antics, it all just culminates into looking like a big fucking bag of crazy. Kefka is all your fears of clowns and also so much more.
In this scenario, "much more" means "magic and the ability to DESTROY REALITY"

See, Kefka is basically an evil magic clown Deadpool. Originally the Emperor's court mage, he took part in a secret experiment which gave him enhanced powers in the magic department and at the same time diminished his powers in the sanity department. While that doesn't sound like the worst thing, keep in mind he already knew magic and was a Nihilist before the experiment.

By the end of the game, his powers are so great that he has successfully destroyed the world and attained godhood, something many anime villains strive for but fail in completing. Kefka, on the other hand, lacks a fully functioning brain and is able to get his shit together long enough to destroy everything everywhere.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, Kefka is fucking nuts. Completely and wonderfully fucking nuts.

Best moment: Becoming a god and fulfilling the Final Fantasy stereotype of having to fight and kill God.

50 Video Game Characters: 42

"I am the Great Mighty Poo/and I'm going to throw my shit at you"



42. The Great Mighty Poo (Conker's Bad Fur Day)

Say what you will about the Poo and you can say a lot. He's a disgusting, immature and stupid as hell character in game all about crudeness(crudity? crudité?). But you cannot deny that he is indeed one of the most original bosses to ever appear.

As you can see, the Poo is, well, a poo. He is quite literally a giant anthropomorphic piece of stool. I'm not even going to try and be faux-intellectual and break down the character of a giant shit. Okay well maybe a little.

The Poo is, despite his smell, texture and overall look, an incredibly vain creature. Not only is he proud of his feculent lifestyle, he is also quite enamored by the sound of his own voice, judging by the boss fight revolving around him hitting enough operatic notes to crack the glass above him.

By the end of the fight, you're either laughing or tired of this joke. Either way, you know you just went through something thoroughly original. And also something fucking stupid.

Best moment: As he is being flushed, he laments his defeat in a manner similar to the Wicked Witch.

"Ah! You cursed squirrel! Look what you've done! I'm flushing! I'm flushing! Oh, what a world, what a world! Who'd have thought a good little squirrel like you could destroy my beautiful clagginess! Ah! I'm going! Oh! Ahh! No! Aaaaaaah!"

50 Video Game Characters: 43

"Y'know, people are always telling me how lucky I am. But the truth is, everything I touch turns to shit"



43. Nathan Drake (Uncharted)

Nathan Drake is the smuggest being you'll ever meet. He is smug as smug can be. Smugger than you or I. The definition of smug. But the dude has every reason to be.

The descendant of famed explorer Sir Francis Drake, Nathan Drake is an explorer/treasure hunter of Indiana Jones-ish proportions. And by that I mean he is a(fairly handsome) human being who fucks up sometimes, has a quip for every problem and deals with a shitload of mystical artifacts. And by "fucks up sometimes," I mean seriously. Like 90% of the time he has no control over his shit. But somehow he finds his way out of the crappiest situations by sheer willpower(gunpower) and his smarts.

Nathan Drake is the smuggest being you will ever meet, but he is humble as hell and a pretty nice guy. He deserves the sassy smugness.

Best moment: His hand puppetry in Uncharted 2, after being incarcerated for three months.

50 Video Game Characters: 48

48. Evil Otto (Berzerk)

Don't let that happy face fool you, because behind that smile lurks the mind of a vicious murderer.

Take too long in a stage? Otto comes down and will relentlessly chase you until that area is completed. If you saw Otto coming, it was too late. Your shit was already done fucked up. Ruthlessly fucked up.

Hell, in some variations of the game, Otto would move faster than you meaning he became less of an avoidable monster and more like the fucking Terminator. No matter what, he will find you. Did I mention he's also invincible? Because you cannot hurt him. Otto's evil knows no boundaries, even going so far as to destroy his robotic minions to get to you.

Do not bother arming yourself for the oncoming war with the robots, friends. Once Otto arrives, there shall be no point in fighting. We'll have already lost.

Best moment: When you shit your pants as he flies onto screen. It's a good moment for him.

50 Video Game Characters: 49

"I'll give you an accident on purpose!"



49. King Hippo (Punch-Out!!)

Quick: name the most popular character from the Punch-Out series.

Okay, besides Mike Tyson.

N-all right. Besides Mike Tyson and Little Mac.

And Doc Louis.

Bald Bull? Now you guys are just fucking with me.

King Hippo is probably the most recognizable character from Punch-Out who isn't a convicted rapist and that's mostly because of two factors.

The first factor was his weekly appearance on Captain N: the Game Master, a Saturday morning cartoon that was to NBC cartoon programming what The Wizard was to cinema: one giant advertisement for Nintendo and the NES. Along with Kid Icarus' Eggplant Wizard, he served as a flunky for the cartoon's big bad: Mother Brain. Mother Brain in the show is an evil talking tentacled alien monster with a penchant for trash talking and a voice provided by Four Tops member Levi Stubbs. Mother Brain is literally Audrey II.

The second factor is his look. King is frequently shown in his loose boxing shorts, with a protruding gut, significant underbite and a very suspicious bandage over his bellybutton. He also sometimes wears a crown.

Pro tip: Punch him in the bandage to distract him!

Further pro tip: Join the Nintendo Fun Club today!

Best moment: His return in Punch-Out!! Wii, where he learns his lesson. And straps a manhole cover over his gut.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 1

"I'd wanna let the movie exist, rather than be artificially plot-driven."

1. Adaptation. (2002)

From one Charlie Kaufman film to another. Starring Nic Cage as...Charlie Kaufman. And Charlie's twin brother Donald. Who doesn't actually exist.

Okay let's back up for a second. Charlie Kaufman is hired to write a screenplay for the real life novel The Orchard Thief which he wants to be a faithful adaptation, but is near impossible to adapt due to the lack of a narrative. His brother Donald is also a writer who is making a six figure deal on a generic psychological thriller called The 3.

Suffice it to say, Adaptation is a very surreal film. Written by a real writer about himself writing an adaptation of a real book. And if you ever have any doubt that Nicolas Cage is actually a real good actor when given the proper outlet, watch this. Or Raising Arizona. Or Leaving Las Vegas. Or even .

I think what makes it even more amazing is that it works as a perfect parallel to Kaufman's first screenplay, Being John Malkovich. While John Malkovich is a literal journey into an actor's mind, Adaptation is a much less literal observation of Kaufman's own mind, the mind of the writer. Donald may not be real outside of the film, but he's definitely a facet of Kaufman's own personality. He's the id, a representation of the pleasure principle of Kaufman's mind, the desire to just say "fuck it" to making the meaningful and strange, and to delve into the popcorn flicks that make tons of money.

But he doesn't. And I'm eternally grateful for that.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 6

"For 20 years, you've had this fuckin' thing hidden down here? This is, this is very illegal. I mean, this is... this is a fine — if they catch you with it"


6. District 9(2009)

It's rare to see a mockumentary taken out of its own style, but District 9 is one of the few to pull it off. What starts off as a somewhat goofy sci-fi doc about a mild-mannered manager in charge of alien affairs(with just a hand of not so subtle social commentary).

Very quickly, the film devolves into a chase film as Wikus van der Merwe, the former MNU manager, is slowly transformed into a "prawn"(the human-sized, bipedal shrimp-like residents of District 9). He's subjected to torturous experiments before making his way to the shantytown to search for a cure. Halfway through the film, it transforms from a chase film to an action film, and you never really question it. For the most part, it seems like a natural progression and it just fits. It's the writing.

Also, lightning guns? Never get old.

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 7

"I'm just not the hero type, clearly. What with this laundry list of character defects and all the mistakes I've made, largely publicly."

Iron Man(2008)

As previously stated, Dark Knight is a trash toilet movie for trash toilet people and fuck everything. Iron Man is the worthwhile contender for best superhero movie.

It feels almost unfair to give credit to only Robert Downey Jr. with his performance of Tony Stark but god damn. The man exudes personality in every performance and he TURNS IT UP in this film, making an easily unlikable character like Tony Stark(alcoholic womanizing millionaire) into a rakish charmer that just seems like this cool guy.

Sure, the writing might have had something to do with it. But c'mon, could anyone do it like RDJ?

25 Best Movies of the Decade: 8

"I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself. Hey Paul!"

8. American Psycho(2000)

Patrick Bateman is trash and he knows it. A man who can barely come to grips with his own Yuppie reality that he escapes into a fantasy world of murder to even feel anything. Or does he? In a world like Patrick Bateman's, who knows what can be real or not. It could simply be Bateman's own escape from banality mixed with his unstable emotions.

Nevertheless, Mary Harron's adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis' landmark 1991 novel is at times simultaneously hilarious and horrifying. Able to take us on a ride through the eyes of madman Bateman, it's Christian Bale's performance that truly makes it, as he is capable of keeping Bateman from going over the edge(or too much over the edge) and making it look like he's not completely crazy.

Every fucking person talks about great American Psycho is. It's like Clerks. It became tired at this point so don't listen to me or whatever.

25 Best Movies Of The Decade: 17

"And Nicolas Cage...as...Fu Manchu!"

17. Grindhouse (2007)

I fucking miss old grindhouse movies(note: I am only 19). Like seriously, blaxploitation movies, women in prison films, the shockumentary mondo cinema flicks. It seems the only genres of exploitation cinema that made it out of the grindhouse cinemas of old are the Spaghetti Westerns(thanks to actors like Clint Eastwood) and the Slasher films.

That's why when Grindhouse came out, I wanted to pass out in excitement. An old-time gritty film double feature. It seemed totally authentic as if these films were fished out of some old dusty abandoned movie theater. The film was grainy and the plot was gory. The majority of the actors were character actors or people you never remember(Freddy Rodriguez, Danny Trejo, Rose McGowan, I'm looking in the direction of you guys). This was Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez's giant love letter to the films that raised them.

The absolute best moments, though, come from the trailers before and between the films. Done by director friends(save for Robert Rodriguez's great "Machete"), the trailers are sneak peeks for quick faux-films and are the most uproarious bits of the entire double feature. Edgar Wright's Hammer-style "Don't," Eli Roth's '70s slasher "Thanksgiving" and Rob Zombie's horror/Nazi "Werewolf Women of tht SS" are all genuinely, hilariously enticing and are all films I would seriously want to watch.

And because I love that line about Nic Cage as Fu Manchu: