The Letter F

Four furry friends/Faithful together/Fun-filled/And forever free.

Fozzie Bear

The Muppet Show's resident King of Comedy, Fozzie Bear is the most borscht belt bear you will ever see. Fozzie is a Catskill styled comedian with a love for stupid jokes, bad puns, and lame gimmicks (telling jokes on roller skates). After telling said jokes he usually punctuates it with a "Wocka Wocka," which is an awesome catchphrase.

Fozzie is great because he wants to tell jokes and that's it. He wants nothing more to be successful as a comedian. He nevers complains about anything. Out of all the Muppet Show's muppets, Fozzie might be the most innocent. A child-like bear in a dumb floppy vaudville hat.

Sometimes Fozzie's jokes can be so bad that they're just unbearable. AaaaaAAAAAAhhhhh! /honk

Forgetful Jones

Forgetful Jones is...um...

Forgetful Jones is......shit, hold on.

OH, Forgetful Jones is a forgetful cowboy, yeah.

Who were we talking about again?

Frazzle


Frazzle may be one of, if not the, most misunderstood monster of all time. While Cookie Monster and Elmo appear harmless, Frazzle is a big orange ugly monster with sharp teeth, a unibrow, horns and yellow eyes with red pupils. He also speaks in an indecipherable snarl that can apparently be understood by others.

But beneath his horrible visage, Frazzle is incredibly childish, almost toddler-like. He also seems to have a desperate need to be included, wanting to sing in "Fuzzy and Blue," despite Grover's insistence that he's fuzzy and orange (Eventually, the song is changed to "Fuzzy and Blue (and Orange)").

Frazzle is pretty adorable. I mean, if you can get past that face only a mother can love (and Frazzle's mom does love him).

Floyd

Floyd is the mustachioed bassist of The Electric Mayhem. Decked in a colorful army jacket based on "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" (His name, Floyd Pepper, is a combination of Pink Floyd and Sgt. Pepper), Floyd is the most vocal member of the group, frequently providing hip sarcasm to other cast members.

In addition to his excellent bass work, Floyd is also an accomplished writer and singer. When the band threatened to quit because of The Muppet Show's "square theme song," Kermit promised Floyd he could re-write the theme. He came up with the 15-second, Zappa-esque "Fugue For Frog," which when Kermit mentioned he liked the name, Floyd responded by saying he wouldn't like the rest. And of course he didn't. As a matter of fact, despite claiming to be a great songwriter, he'll always cop to the fact that nobody actually enjoys his music, once saying "If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write"

He's covered among other songs Billy Joel's "New York State of Mind" and The Beatles' "While My Guitar Gently Weeps."





I want you guys to watch both of those because holy shit are they awesome.

The Letter E

E, E, E/See the Es go easin' by.

Elmo


I was growing up right before Sesame Street's Elmo craze (like I was 6 when it started and too distracted by Doug or something), so I wasn't really affected by it. People who get angry at Elmo are stupid. You are too old to actually get pissed off by a piece of felt.

Played by a gigantic black man, Elmo is the high-pitched messiah/pariah of Sesame Street. Originally played by Richard Hunt (the puppeteer behind Sweetums, Beaker and Scooter), Kevin Clash was literally thrown the opportunity when Hunt, unable to find a personality for and tired of the puppet, tossed the furry red monster to him (because he was the only other person in the Muppeteer lounge at the time). Clash transformed him into a chirpy three year old muppet with a penchant for speaking in the third person.

Elmo currently hosts the final segment of Sesame Street, titled "Elmo's World," where he teaches toddlers one specific topic (i.e. one episode would be about books or hands or the concept of fast and slow). He's accompanied by his goldfish, Dorothy, and the Noodle family: Mr. Noodle (Bill Irwin), his brother Mr. Noodle (Michael Jeter), and their sister Mrs. Noodle (Kristin Chenoweth).

Elmo can be a little annoying at times. That is the only bad thing I have to say about Elmo. He's good for the kids so leave him alone.

Ernie

Ernie is awesome. He loves having fun, making jokes, playing games. He's orange and a little rounder than his best friend Bert. He enjoys taking baths with his Rubber Duckie (who would have appeared this month except he's not a muppet).

He's an excellent hider, according to the "Journey To Ernie" segments where he hides everywhere from a disco to The Letter B Museum to Mars. He frequently collaborates with other Sesame Street Muppets who aren't his best buddy Bert, most famously Lefty the Salesman (who I'll talk about later).

According to "Follow That Bird," he has an AIRPLANE WHICH HE IS ABLE TO FLY. HE CAN EVEN PILOT IT UPSIDE-DOWN WHAT THE HELL.

One time Ernie put a banana in his ear and he couldn't hear Bert questioning why. He once danced with an Egyptian mummy resembling himself while exploring a pyramid. He had to consult famed jazz owl Hoots on why he had trouble playing the saxophone, with Hoots coming to the conclusion that he had to put down his Rubber Duckie before playing.

Most importantly, though, he was the sole part of one of the most sincere Sesame Street moments. Singing "I Don't Want To Live On The Moon," which is about exactly what it sounds like. Ernie wants to visit the moon, but he wouldn't want to live there because he miss everyone and everything he loves.



Ernie is awesome.

The Letter D

Do a dance/Dig some dirt/Dunk a doughnut for dessert/Draw a daisy that's dee-de-lightful/To see when "D" is handy/It's fine and dandy.

Dr. Teeth

The vaguely pimp-like Dr. Teeth, based and named after Cajun bluesman Dr. John, is the keyboardist and lead singer of the Muppet Show house band, The Electric Mayhem, a primarily rock-infused Muppet supergroup. They have played with everyone from Elton John to Lou Rawls to Liza Minelli to Don Knotts (who even played upright bass for the band!)

He's got frizzy red hair, a big floppy purple hat, and, as his name would imply, a big toothy smile, complete with a gold tooth.

Dr. Teeth should be renamed Dentist.

Don Music

Very rarely on Sesame Street would you find characters resplendent in failure. Perenially agonized composer Don Music is always unable to complete his compositions, usually ending up with twisted variations ("Drive, Drive, Drive Your Car," "Can You Tell Me How To Get To Yellowstone Park?," "Mary Had A Bicycle").

The frustrated musician can never fully get his work right. Pained by his own inability to fully perfect his craft, he would frequently bang his head onto his keyboard.

To want to create something that people will enjoy. To never find the right words to get it right. To punish one's self for failure.

I do not relate to Don Music at all.

That lovely letter called "D,"/Dee-dee, dee, having fun/But now I'm dee, dee, dee, done!

The Letter C

Hmmm, now what starts with the letter C/Cookie starts with C/Let's think of other things that start with C/Oh who cares about those other things!



Cookie Monster

Cookie Monster is just as his name implies. He's a big, blue, furry, googly-eyed monster with a simplistic diction and a voracious appetite for anything, from apples to hubcaps. Of course, his favorite will always be a nice, round chocolate chip cookie, which he'll devour in an instant, making loud munching noises.

Despite his sometimes animalistic nature when it comes to food, he has a very large vocabulary, primarily displayed in his role as the gentrified Alistair Cookie, host of Monsterpiece Theater. Although mainly playing the role of host, he would sometimes join as a member of the production, participating in works like Conversations With My Father and Twin Beaks.

The shift in recent years to healthy eating caused a rumor to float around the Cookie would be changed to "Veggie Monster" or he would be dropped altogether. The rumors were refuted in an interview with Matt Lauer on an episode of Sesame Street, where Cookie explained how the media blows things out of proportion and his favorite food is still the cookie, but that he'll eat it as dessert after he finishes all his vegetables.

Also Sesame Street is too smart to think kids will practice poor eating habits because one character on their show enjoys cookies.

Crazy Harry

The Muppet Show's pyrotechnics expert, the unkempt, wild eyed Crazy Harry loves blowin shit up. That's his deal. He blows things up when things need to be blown up or when someone makes a pun involving things that blow up.

In addition to his explosive talent (BOOM) with pyrotechnics, he's also skilled on the triangle and an instrument known as the "Explodaphone," which is several explosive plungers arranged in a xylophone-like fashion.

This is all that matters about Crazy Harry.

Camilla

The object of The Great Gonzo's affection, Camilla is...a chicken. Although while he loves Camilla the most, he tends to romance many chickens, mainly because "they all look the same."

Okay so I know Gonzo is a whatever-he-is, but it makes me wonder: Is it a natural attraction because of his species or is it simply because he's just a weirdo, a one-of-a-kind creature with an affinity for fowl play.

Count von Count


I heard a heavy step approaching behind the great door, and saw through the chinks the gleam of a coming light. Then there was the sound of rattling chains and the clanking of massive bolts drawn back. A key was turned with the loud grating noise of long disuse, and the great door swung back.

Within, stood a short old man, clean shaven and possessing a monocle, and clad in black from head to foot, without a single speck of colour about him anywhere save for his purple skin. He held in his hand an antique silver lamp, in which the flame burned without a chimney or globe of any kind, throwing long quivering shadows as it flickered in the draught of the open door. The old man motioned me in with his right hand with a courtly gesture, saying in excellent English, but with a strange intonation.
"One! One guest in my castle! Ah ah ah!"

Named The Count because he loves counting (and because he inherited the title from his father), Count von Count will count anything regardless of size or number, when he finishes counting he announces the total number of items and laughs, usually accompanied by thunder and lightning.

The Count resides in a large European-style castle overlooking Sesame Street. Resembling a vampiric castle, it is covered in cobwebs, decaying, has a pipe organ and is "infested" with bats. In addition to his pet bats, he also has a cat and an octopus.

The Count is better than most vampires.

The Letter B

When I find I can't remember/What comes after A and before C/My mother always whispers/Letter B

Bert

The Felix to best friend Ernie's Oscar (not Grouch), Bert is the much more serious of the classic pair of friends (AND NOTHING MORE). Bert loves argyle, oatmeal, reading Boring Stories, collecting paper clips, and learning about his favorite animal, the pigeon.

In addition to his serious demeanor, he frequently tries to make sense of his much wackier pal, but usually to little or no avail as Ernie rarely stays serious for a second. He's also the current chairperson for the National Association of W Lovers, leading the group in activities such as reciting W words and drawing letter Ws.

Jim Henson has commented that Frank Oz initially didn't like Bert as he was too dull of a character for him to enjoy. Eventually, of course, Oz was able to turn Bert's boring personality into an outlet for his own dullness and found a way to make it entertaining and a great foil to Henson's Ernie.

Bunsen Honeydew

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew is head researcher and resident scientist of all facets of the world-renowned Muppet Laboratories. Originally alone in his experiments, he soon found the perfect guinea pig in the near-indestructible Beaker.

Always excited to show off his new invention (including a gorilla detector, a banana sharpener, and exploding clothes) his love of science tends to get in the way of the progress of his experiments, leaving Beaker to suffer. Over and over again.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew is a terrible person.

Beaker

Beaker would certainly agree. As the unfortunate assistant of Honeydew, Beaker is subjected to one torturous experiment after another. Speaking in only "meep"s, Beaker's pain is more than apparent during the projects of Muppets Labs, as his screams of horror continually emit any time danger springs fully formed in front of him.

He's been shrunken, deflated, blown up, had acid poured on his head, yet he keeps coming back for more. Is it because he simply needs work, or is there a co-dependant relationship between doctor and assistant?

Big Bird

8 feet tall, bright yellow, and 6 years old, Big Bird lives in a giant nest right behind the 123 Sesame Street apartment building. The essence of childhood, Big Bird always lets children feel at ease with not knowing everything, because he doesn't either. He'll be confused by the alphabet, and he can easily be tricked by Oscar (who commonly refers to the big canary as a turkey).

With the possible exception of Elmo, Big Bird is the most popular character on Sesame Street, starring in the first Sesame Street movie "Follow That Bird" (which is awesome) and being probably one of the most marketable muppets. It may seem impossible for a person to puppet someone like Big Bird and, well, you would almost be right. Caroll Spinney (and a few others who have played the role) has to work the puppet by extending his right hand far above his head to move the neck and mouth while his left hand control the left wing (the right wing is stuffed and hangs loosely from the puppet).

Big Bird has made me cry at two different moments, both teaching about death. The first one was when actor Will Lee's death forced the Sesame Street writers to explain why Mr. Hooper wouldn't appear anymore. They decided to come out and say that Mr. Hooper died and have Big Bird (and all children) taught that death is a permanent occurence and we should learn to remember all the good things we experienced with that person.



The second happened at Jim Henson's actual funeral. As the giant bird, dressed formally for the event, walked down the aisle, there was a look of worry in his eyes. Making his way down to the center, he sang Henson's infamous "Bein' Green," a song extolling how it's not so bad to be different. With Caroll Spinney actually tearing up during the performance (both this and the Mr Hooper one, actually), Big Bird's own sadness came through so realistically. As the song concludes, Big Bird looks up into the sky and says, voice breaking, "Thank you, Kermit."

The Letter A

It starts ape/It starts age/Here's where it's at/The letter A is tearing up the stage

Abelardo

The Mexican equivalent of Big Bird (and actually his cousin), Abelardo is Plaza Sesamo's big parrot. I don't know that much about Abelardo, but I vividly remember one episode of Sesame Street (looking it up it was a celebration of Cinco de Mayo) where Abelardo came to visit Sesame Street. Big Bird and Abelardo can never seem to find each other at the right moment, but are eventually reunited after a song.

I also remember that Rosita teaches Big Bird a word in Spanish: "Manzana" which means "apple." Meanwhile, Oscar, who picked up Abelardo when Luis and Maria were supposed to pick him up, teaches Abelardo the word "scram," because Oscar is a big ol dick.

All I know about Abelardo is from that one episode.

Animal

Animal is, uh...hm. Animal isn't an actual animal, nor is he a monster in any literal sense of the word as he clearly means well. He's a growly, hairy creature with a limited vocabulary, tattered clothes, broken chains, and a penchant for women.

Animal is a drummer. I guess that's the best way to describe him. The most popular member of the Electric Mayhem (although I think Floyd and Zoot are better but whatever) and the only one who appeared on Muppet Babies. Animal is insane. To quote Frank Oz, the man who played Animal for years, "You don't mess with Animal. He eats glass."

Aloyisious Snuffleupagus

Continuing the "people who know Big Bird and start with the letter A" theme is Mr. Snuffleupagus. Best friend to "Bird," Snuffy is a giant creature known as a Snuffleupagus (which is odd because that's also his name). Snuffy takes part in one of the most important moments of children's television history.

After years of near-miss encounters, leading the grown-ups of Sesame Street to believe he's imaginary, the writers decided maybe it's not the best idea for children to think adults will never believe them. So, Big Bird decides that the best way to solve this matter is for tiny muppet Elmo to hold on to the snuffle of a giant elephantine muppet and then call a secret word so Snuffy will reveal himself. While that plan doesn't work (surprisingly, although the image of Elmo swinging on Snuffy's snuffle, trying to keep him from leaving, is too adorable), the adults end up listening to Big Bird and, turning a corner, actually see Snuffleupagus. And because they spent so much time not believing him, all the adults, from Bob to David to Maria all apologize to Big Bird and happily introduce themselves to the friendly Snuffy.

I wasn't around when it first happened (1985), but I've seen this moment many times and it's incredibly important to me. Having a healthy belief in something, anything, be it a higher power, a mythical creature, or a giant muppet is just a good way to hold on to your sanity. If you end up believing in nothing, then what else is there other than dying?

Novembert and Novembernie

Keeping with my habit of "doing things for one whole month," I'm taking this whole month to talk about one of my favorite things: talking pieces of felt.

But not just any felt, Jim Henson's Muppets. Not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, the Muppets seem to exist as their own. Never giving winking references that they're controlled, talking to celebrities, hosting their own shows.



I love the Muppets. Raised by Sesame Street, being taught the basics of my ABCs and 123s by Bird Bird and The Count. Amused by Fraggle Rock and Dinosaurs. Thoroughly entertained by The Muppet Show, Fozzie's hokey comedy routine, Miss Piggy's diva schtick, Animal's Moon-esque drumming. All of it. I have never hated the Muppets. They have been a part of my life from when I was a baby and hopefully they'll be a part of my life until I reach old age.

This month is a labor of love on my part. And I hope you guys enjoy it.