Top 10 Video Games of the Decade

1. Animal Crossing

Giggle and titter all you want, but if you've played the game you may know what I'm talking about.

From the moment you arrive in your new town, you are greeted by a raccoon who pretty much forces you to work for him by holding you in debt. So then you have to play the game enough to pay off your house. Then he expands on your house like 4 times, each time putting you into deeper debt, then you have to pay THAT off. Eventually you pay off the debt and finally get a chance to really explore the game. And now you're basically hooked hardcore to Animal Crossing.

If that didn't make it bad enough, the game exists in real time, meaning even if the game is turned off, shit still happens. People move away, days come and go, weeds grow, oh god do fucking weeds grow. Don't leave for too long because your town will be covered in weeds and NO ONE ELSE will pluck them up and ARGH.

But you don't have a choice anymore. You're stuck. Animal Crossing is your home now. You just have to make the town pretty again so new friends will move in. Hey let's go dig in the dump, maybe someone left behind that wallpaper that is the one final part missing from our school themed 2nd floor. Boy, this is a fun game, isn't it?

And you'll just keep playing and playing and playing...

2. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

GTA III changed the way video games were looked at. Vice City improved on that formula in a pastel-drenched 80s wonderland. San Andreas, though, took the GTA franchise to incredible heights.

Carl Johnson, returning home from a long stay in Liberty City, finds his city of Los Santos completely changed. The gang he used to run with, the Grove Street Families, is in disarray with multiple factions splitting off and forming their own gangs. Worse yet, crack is being pushed around his neighborhood, which weakens the gang dynamic.

In a quest to gain back respect for the Families, CJ embarks on a story that involves corruption, betrayal and revenge(because this is a Grand Theft Auto game) and takes him all over the state of San Andreas, where ends up doing everything from flying planes, taking down drug rings, pulling off a heist on a mob-owned casino and even invading a secret government facility.

The thing about San Andreas isn't all the things you have to do, it's all the things you CAN do. The heist mission takes place over a number of missions setting it up until the final huge execution. And that's all OPTIONAL. As a matter of fact, all of San Andreas can be considered optional, that's the great(and awful) thing about sandbox games like this: you can spend a long time exploring the massive state, from Los Santos, where the gangsters and celebrities rub shoulders, to the backwoods to Las Venturas, the glittering casino paradise.

Well, I mean, that or actually play the missions. You choice, after all.

3. Bioshock

"I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...Rapture."

From the start of the game when your plane crashes, you are in complete control of Jack. You have to guide him to the lighthouse in the distance, swimming for your life. Only when you enter are you greeted with a giant statue of Andrew Ryan, creator of Rapture. That's where all the good stuff stops. Soon you're dropped into an underwater utopia in ruins. Mutants roam the city trying to attack you. Audio diaries trace the people of Rapture to their end. The few that aren't mutated are mostly in hiding, protecting themselves and growing increasingly paranoid.

The massive, underwater Cold War-era city reflects the fear. The hospital level of Rapture has been transformed into a gallery of the bizarre as the head surgeon has gone mad trying to create the perfect human. Fort Frolic, the theater and shopping district, has been turned into a sadistic playground for Ryan's right-hand man, Sander Cohen, who makes art from death. Of course, by the time you eventually meet and kill Andrew Ryan, you've learned an awful lot about yourself and your connection to the city.

I would also be remiss not to talk about the hulking Big Daddies. These monstrous mutants are the perfect example of Andrew Ryan's own hypocrisy. The people of Rapture were moved from the land so they could be free from oppression, so how could Ryan justify the transformation of his fellow man into a lobotomized slave, stuck in a diving suit, roaming the sea floor forever?

It's questions on the duality of man and the morality that just make Bioshock all the more brilliant.

4. Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

Much like San Andreas, Snake Eater was willing to change the franchise completely. Putting you in an altogether familiar setting with an unfamiliar feel.

Taking place before any of the other Metal Gear games, you play not Solid Snake, but Naked Snake, the man who would eventually become to the traitorous Big Boss. He's on a mission to stop the Russians from completing the Shagohod, a metal monster the USSR plans to use to destroy the USA.

As opposed to the nuclear future of the past games, Snake Eater drops you into the jungle, relying on your natural surroundings to achieve your goals, preferrably as stealthily as possible. The Cold War-era setting also replaces your high-tech gadgets with technology more fitting for the time. Radars and the such have been completely replaced, leaving you with...bulkier instruments.

Of course, one of the appeals of the MGS series is the writing and after MGS 2 gave us a ludicrious plot to go along with playing as a pretty boy for more than half the game, we're given a heavily political, closer to coherent storyline, complete with a heartstomping ending.

Oh and because I have to mention it. "I'm still in a dreeeeeeam. Snake Eeeeateerrrrrr~"

5. Portal

All of you have almost ruined a great game. Yes, we get it. Still Alive is a catchy song, the weighted companion cube is our friend and, yeah, the cake is a lie. We fucking get it now shut the fuck up.

It's a testament to how good the game is that you shits haven't completely ruined it. Much like the Half-Life series before it, Portal puts you into the game immediately with you waking up in a test chamber before being forced to run around a series of challenges like a lab rat, all while being egged on by a computer who you come to learn is called GLaDOS.

The further you progress through the game, the more you realize something is going very wrong. Especially since it seems like GLaDOS is almost trying to murder you. Hell, this game is all about GLaDOS. It's an absolute delight watching her artifical sanity slowly turn into madness as you frequently defy her expectations by staying alive.

A witty, original game full of excellent writing, physics and characters(or character, I guess since GLaDOS is really the only person there, excluding your silent protagonist), Portal is pretty much one-of-a-kind.

I hate all of you.

6. Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker

When Nintendo revealed the first Legend of Zelda game for the Gamecube, everyone was excited. Until they actually saw it. Many decried at as a kiddy-fying of the beloved series, dubbing it the kinda stupid "Cel-da" due to its cartoonish, cel-shaded graphics. But those people are really stupid and they suck because Wind Waker is legitimately one of the greatest in a series of great games.

Taking place hundreds of years after Ocarina of Time, Wind Waker has Link traveling across the sea on a talking red boat, doing his usual dungeon crawling and eventually princess saving. And while it is more of the same genuinely excellent gameplay, people simply hated it because of the way it looked and I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

Every single bit of the game looks beautiful. From the piggy Moblins roaming dungeons looking like old school Moblins with pointed sticks to the sparkling blue ocean making waves. Link is more expressive in this game than he's ever been with his big toon eyes and he looks great. Take the time to look at the sky at night next time you play, the moon and stars are just lovely.

Nintendo now only put these in DS games apparently because they were too busy making the next platform Zelda a super gray pile. Twilight Princess was pretty bad. And I hate you all once again.

7. Psychonauts

Tim Schafer is the best guy ever. Dude made Monkey Island, Full Throttle and, most importantly, Grim Fandango. Then LucasArts fucked everything up and stopped making cool adventure games. So Tim just up and went and formed his own company, Double Fine. Psychonauts was its first product and holy crap is it amazing and hilarious and weird.

Your character, Razputin, is a psychic escapee from the circus and he's the straight man of the game. Surrounded by psychic summer camp students and deranged mental patients, it's up to Raz to eventually save the day by freeing minds from their disorders or just plain freeing minds after they've been captured. The hub world is the Whispering Rock Summer Camp and the insane asylum across the lake from the camp, but the real levels take place in the mind.

A party loving counselor has a dance party in her head(there's also a terrible secret). An insane heartbroken artist's mind is represented as a Spanish village terrorized by a vicious bull and it's all rendered like a black velvet painting. A paranoid security guard resides in a twisting neighborhood filled with poorly disguised government agents, suspicious girl scouts and a mysterious figure known only as "The Milkman."

The mix of the bizarre and the absolutely humorous, the expert character design, the quirksome cast. All combine to make an amazing strange game.

8. The Sims

SimCity let you build and manage a city, but The Sims let you build and manage lives.

They lack it all. They have no personality and no appearance. Until you give it to them, granting them life. But they're not your toys. Sure you can control them and, yes, you made them. But you have no real control over them. They pick and choose what they actually want to do. They'll get into fights, fall in love, even make love, but you don't do any of that, they do. They evolve as people naturally over time, becoming better or worse without your help.

Or of course you could viciously kill them all constantly. It's beautiful to play God.

9. Silent Hill 2

Silent Hill 1 and a handful of Resident Evils came before it, but Silent Hill 2 still feels like the end-all, be-all of survival horror after these couple of years.

James Sunderland comes to Silent Hill after recieving a letter from his dead wife. He eventually arrives in the hell town which manifests his psyche as demons come to slay him. Mannequins and disfigured nurses haunt him as manifestations of his deepest sexual desires. But no monster holds a candle to Pyramid Head.

The triangular, razor-edged mask wearing monster is one of the sole male spooks in the town, representing James's guilt over the fact that he murdered his wife. He is unstoppable and the first encounter we have with him comes when we see him brutally raping one of the nurses. Not only a gruesome and haunting scene, but also one with a valuable message: this is one guy you don't wanna fuck with.

The invincible executioner haunts you from time to time, never really knowing when he'll appear next. He could be right behind you now. That only makes the game scarier.

10. Katamari Damacy

Your dad, the King of All Cosmos, got drunk and smashed up a bunch of stars. It's up to roll up shit on Earth and turn them into stars. Oh and your dad wears very tight tights.

Katamari Damacy is pretty damn Japanese with it's cutesy, catchy soundtrack, quirky plot and altogether fun playing. Using the two analog sticks of the Playstation 2's controller, you control the Katamari(the ball you use to roll things up) and run around picking things up with it. Starting out with very small items, you grow and grown until soon you're going from picking up thumbtacks to picking up entire cities with your Katamari.

It's addictive, fun, charming and oh so very Japanese. We love Katamari!

Top 10 TV Shows of the Decade

1. Arrested Development

Smart and funny, Arrested Development is the best show of the decade. When Bluth patriarch George Sr. is arrested for fraud, son Michael is forced to keep the wealthy family under control as they face bankruptcy.

Filled with jokes with callbacks, gags, forshadowing and the just plain absurd, the writers and actors of Arrested Development revel in the reflexive and postmodern. Never before did a show reward a regular viewer with such rich looping jokes and near-catchphrases as AD.

The characters are equally as absurd. Michael's brother GOB(George Oscar Bluth) is a self-absorbed magician illusionist who sometimes employs the use of a racist puppet named Franklin Delano Bluth(a parody of Roosevelt Franklin). Tobias Funke(pronounce "fyoon-kay"), Michael's brother-in-law, is a therapist-turned-failed actor who has a rare fear of being naked in front of anyone(he wears cut-offs underneath his clothing) and is oblivious to his own homosexual tendencies and malapropisms.

Above all else, Arrested Development was a show that respected it's audience, no matter how many of them were watching. It's a miracle in and of itself that it made it through three seasons.

It was the story of a wealthy family and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.

That's Arrested Development.

2. The Wire

Baltimore is a big city, seemingly separated by many facets of the town. What began as a fair depiction of the drug trade in the first season, The Wire slowly expanded, each season showcasing another chapter of Baltimore's institutions. The school system, the newspaper, the unions, even the drug dealers all dealing with how the corrupt and immoral prey upon the smallest of the small.

In The Wire, there is rarely a happy ending. Characters you come to know and respect and sympathize with get murdered in cold blood. For the most part, the show is like a modern Greek tragedy(with the occasional addition of very, very dark humor). Each part of the city will end up faltering due to corruption and these characters are forced to deal with their own lot in life.

Rooted in redemption, The Wire treats us to a realistic look at urban life, sociopolitical themes and the human condition of the both the immoral and the quiet heroes who always try to make a difference

3. Mad Men

There is not much to say with these shows higher up that everyone hasn't already said, but I'm gonna try anyways.

Mad Men is a period piece. It's the story of an ad agency in the 1960s and of adman Don Draper's life in and out of the office. While most period pieces only use the time as a basis for "hey, remember when this happened?" moments, Mad Men simply treats the time as a background. An age where men could smoke at work and the only women in the office were secretaries. The characters of Mad Men are simply riding the time, unaware of the storm of change about to come crashing down on them.

One of the great things about Mad Men is how the show plays out like a film of that era. Long tense silences appear throughout episodes, cameras pan and will hold on a single shot forever. All this only makes the show feel more like something legitimately coming from the era.

So many shows paint the '60s as the mystical era where hippies ruled the land, but there were real people, facing the sudden changes around them. Still clueless of what's to come.

4. 30 Rock

Sometimes life is unfair, sometimes Arrested Developments will always be cancelled and replaced with a reality show. Sometimes, though, life can be great. Back when it started, Tina Fey's 30 Rock, a show about a behind-the-scenes look at a sketch comedy show on NBC, was thought to fail when against Aaron Sorkin's Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, a show about a behind-the-scenes look at a sketch comedy show on NBC.

Thankfully, Studio 60 will probably end up lost in this decade and the three-time Best Comedy award winner 30 Rock is in the middle of it's fourth awesome season. Unlike Futurama or Arrested Development, there aren't a bunch of callback or loop around jokes, it's a one-stop sight gag and joke factory(ie. a line about intelligent writing segues into a joke about a robot with "too many farts in it"). The amount of gags come fast through each episode as Fey's Liz Lemon tries to keep control of the show's delusional stars, deal with her overbearing boss and make sense of the friendly, Southern NBC page.

Also there's a man named Dr. Spaceman.

5. Futurama

"Space: it seems to go on and on forever and then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwing barrels at you."

The first words spoken in Futurama reflect the entirety of the show: awe-inspiring sci-fi dialogue broken apart by humor. When pizza delivery boy Fry gets accidentally cryogenically frozen, he ends up in the year 3000. There, he makes friends with an alcoholic robot and a one-eyed alien and ends up working for his(great-great-etc.) nephew's universal delivery service.

Most science-fiction shows either present a utopia or a dystopia, Futurama gave us the city of New New York. Built on top of Old New York, NNY is just a slightly more futuristic. Sure, there are pneumatic tubes, rocketships, robots and suicide booths, but there's still weirdos roaming the streets(although now its just aliens), there's still a pest problems(owls now instead of pigeons or rats). New New York is barely new.

Futurama, as a science-fiction show, always had it's share of scientific and mathematic references, but they never hold it above the audience's heads. Even if they do, jokes about the sum of two cubes frequently share space with slapstick and lowbrow humor. Futurama isn't just about comedy, the depth of the writing is so deep that number of major events culminated in the episode "The Why of Fry," where multiple episodes get called back and it becomes revealed that Fry's freezing was not an accident.

Oh, they also made some sad episodes that were really sad.

6. Freaks and Geeks

Judd Apatow's reign of benevolence as Hollywood's King of Comedy began here. Creator Paul Feig devised a show based on his own experience as a nerd in high school back in the early 80s and with it came the greatest teen drama to ever take itself halfway seriously.

A show featuring "what high school was like for the rest of us," it focused on the titular freaks and geeks of McKinley High School in Michigan, primarily told through Sam Weir(a geek) and his older sister, Lindsay(a freak, formerly a "mathlete" geek). Setting it in the early 80s gave way to an excellent soundtrack putting it in its classic rock time period as well as getting rid of the problems of trying to write for modern teenagers. Imagine people in their early 30s getting to accurately write what its like to be a teen! In its one and only season, Freaks and Geeks managed to capture the tribulations of being a teenager in that or any time.

7. Metalocalypse/The Venture Bros./Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!
The world's most popular metal band, a bitter boy adventurer and his sons, a cast of freakish characters, usually played by the same two people. There's nothing too similar between these three things, but Adult Swim's three best shows prove that late night, non-Comedy Central programming can be excellent.

Metalocalypse concerns Dethklok, the world's most popular metal band. So popular that the world's economy pretty much depends on them. Each member of the band is childish, obnoxious and obsessed with anything and everything "brutal." Many of their concerts end in an array of violence and destruction, caused usually by their own ineptitude. Past the incredible violence comes excellent comedic writing as the five members constantly bicker or generally act like dildos, completely unaware of the secret government facility monitoring them, afraid they will fulfill the ancient prophecy of the "Metalocalypse."

Rusty Venture was once a great boy adventurer, following his father Jonas Venture on his amazing adventures. Today, however, he is a bitter super-scientist living in his father's shadow and having to deal with a butterfly-themed arch-nemesis while his two sons try to solve mysteries or live the life of boy adventurers. For a show that airs on basic cable at midnight, The Venture Brothers is one of the most expertly crafted shows currently on television. Episodes mocking animated action shows from the 60s, references to 80s new wave bands, as well characters that include a hydrocephalic midget quiz champion, a dictator with a metal bottom jaw and a homosexual Sean Connery-alike all bound about in this masterful animated tribute to sadness and failure.

Tim and Eric love making you feel awkward. They achieve this via a sketch comedy show filled with public TV mockeries. Characters like squealy enzyme-ridden Casey Tatum, dazed news reporter Dr. Steve Brule(played by John C. Reilly) and Tim and Eric themselves present some strange world where hilariously poor editing and(sometimes) intentionally poor acting hide a brilliantly odd sense of surrealist humor that frequently cross the realm of what should and shouldn't be funny.

8. The Office (UK/US)

The show that made it okay for humor to be dangerously awkward, both versions of The Office present life in a small paper company, shown through the eyes of a documentary crew. The boss is an insufferable goofball who would rather be friends with everyone there than be a decent leader. His second-in-command is a sycophantic salesman with delusions of grandeur. Another salesman and the office receptionist are partners-in-crime, plotting pranks on the humorless pencil pusher and frequently facing romantic tension.

Focusing in on the humiliating, awkward and tense, The Office found a way to make you squirm in your seat while laughing at the white-collar boredom and frustration boiling to the surface of the mid-level business. It would almost seem tragic if it wasn't so damn funny.

9. Curb Your Enthusiasm

In real life, Larry David is a slightly neurotic comedy writer, co-creating the beloved 90s sitcom Seinfeld and helming this HBO gem.

In the realm of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry David is a terrible man. A crotchety, obnoxious comedy writer who co-created Seinfeld. It's not just about that man who's driven by his own low self-esteem and overinflated ego. His wife, his agent and best friend, his agent's wife all must suffer with this bag of neuroses. Even his Hollywood friends, who are almost as selfish as he is, can't stand him.

Larry David is a rotten prick who we want to punch in the face. And he's the guy we're supposed to be rooting for.

10. Yo Gabba Gabba!

Sometime in the late 90s, children's television had this weird boom. Bland, educational television soon turned into brightly colored, wild shows that happened to appeal to children. Average art or characters turned into avant-garde art that would, on occasion, appear really freaky. While shows like Spongebob Squarepants started the trend and shows like Flapjack keep it going, Yo Gabba Gabba! perfected the absurd blend of insane and educational.

Created by Christian Jacobs, lead singer of superhero ska band, The Aquabats, Yo Gabba Gabba! is a candyland of pastels used to draw children in and crazy characters to keep them in. Strange full bodied costumed characters jump around and sing about standard edutainment fare like sharing and crap like that, but considering the show's creator is a musician, many of the songs are catchy and fun to listen to.

The show has a following not only among young kids, but many college-age students watch and enjoy as well. Well beyond the trippy visuals, the show is a hotbed of indie appeal. The Shins, Shiny Toy Guns and Of Montreal have all performed on the show. Biz Markie teaches kids to beatbox. Mark Mothersbaugh of Devo teaches kids how to draw various items. "Milk and Cheese" creator Evan Dorkin designed the animated segment "Super Martian Robot Girl." Looking back on the decade there is no show stranger than Yo Gabba Gabba! And this show was for kids.

Christmas Wrapping (It Up)

Merry Yule Log, everyone! Time to show the selective fallout of my holiday season. It's fun times!

First up are DVDs. Among Up(;-;), 30 Rock Season 3, The Office Season 5 and Flight of the Conchords Season 2 include:

The first season of Spectacle with Elvis Costello. He interviews and performs with a number of musical luminaries like Elton John, The Police, Herbie Hancock, Lou Reed and Former President Bill Clinton?

Three seasons of The Muppet Show and


40 years worth of Sesame Street clips.

For more information on Muppets, please refer to the entirety of November on this blog.

I got some pretty sweet posters:

\m/ ROCKIN YER FACE OFF 1988 FEATURING GUNS N ROSES, KISS, DAVID LEE ROTH, IRON MAIDEN AND MEGADETH! BOOM YEAH!


MIXIN THE WHEELS OF STEEL WITH RHYMES SO HOT YOU'LL GET THIRD DEGREE BURNS BABY! IT'S DETROIT'S FIRST ANNUAL SUPER(SUPER) RAP(RAP) ATTACK(ATTACK...attack...attack)BEASTIE BOYS AND RUN DMC PLUS SPECIAL GUESTS AFRICA BAMBAATA(what the hell, that's not how it's spelled) AND GRANDMASTER FLASH AND THE FURIOUS FIVE. HELL YEAH!


And now a short presentation entitled "Some shirts I got for Christmas:"


Also, I got some jellybeans(eff yes) and a few books. But most importantly, I got the best gift of all: love cash. About $150 worth, which I'm gonna spend on video games probably.

Merry Christmas, you guys!

Fairytale of New York

The Pogues are awesome. I know like two songs by them that aren't "Fairytale of New York" and they are also great, but "Fairytale of New York"! Oh man, what a song. Like a damned modern Christmas classic. A fine taste of bittersweet holiday magic.

Shane MacGowan's warbly voice echoes the opening, singing about Christmas Eve in a drunk tank, dour and alone, as a bum talks to him about Christmas. As the bum begins singing "The Rare Old Mountain Dew," an old Irish drinking ballad, he reminisces about his past Christmases with a young woman(played by Kristy MacColl).

The song soon becomes a call and response between MacGowan and MacColl, as they sing about their happy first Christmas as immigrants to New York City. Very quickly it turns dark, as alcohol and drug addiction soon take their toll and what was once a loving relationship devolves into angry bickering and name calling(the words "faggot" and "slut" get thrown out in the song). All the while, though, the NYPD choir sing "Galway Bay"(NYPD doesn't actually have a choir). By the end, MacColl insults MacGowan by saying he "took my dreams from me when I first found you." MacGowan remorsefully reveals that not only did he keep her dreams with him, but he built his own dreams around his love for her.

For all the darkness carried inside of it, this ode to a less than merry Christmas is an incredibly beautiful modern classic.


HEY LOOK GUYS IT'S MATT DILLON AS THAT COP AT THE BEGINNING

Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy

In one of the most surreal moments in Christmas television history, Bing Crosby's final Xmas special before his death featured rocker David Bowie.

In a time where the Thin White Duke was actively trying to normalize his image, Bowie figured the best way to seem more normal was to appear on a Christmas special starring a man he knew nothing about other than his mom like him. Originally they were supposed to duet on Little Drummer Boy, but Bowie rejected the idea, saying he absolutely "hated that song"(and I don't really blame him). So the show's writers literally SAT DOWN AND WROTE A WHOLE NEW SONG.

Anyways the scene opens with Crosby letting Bowie in and asking if he's the new butler. A few minutes of hilariously awkward dialogue follow and then they sing. For all its strangeness, it's one of the most beautifully crafted duets ever with two greats, an old and a new, sharing a moment of Christmas cheer.


As much as he was trying to normalize himself, David Bowie still looks a whole lot like a lady.

Oi To The World

Contrary to the name, this song does not concern peace from people of the Jewish faith. It's "oi" not "oy." Oi. Not oy.

"Oi!" is actually a subgenre of punk that originated in the UK in the 70s. It mainly held a working class view, responding to how many of the original punk bands were joining labels. Its hard driving sound, deep political views, and penchant for beating the shit out of everything could put it as a sort of proto-hardcore punk. Of course, it frequently ran into trouble due to its association to the skinheads, a group of white supremacists recognized by their shaved heads and jeans splashed with bleach, among other things.

Anyways, The Vandals' (an American band from the 80s/90s, by the way) Oi to the World concerns an Indian Sikh punk named Hadji who forms his own Oi! band. Things take a bad turn though when performing in a pub, Hadji raises the ire of a gang of skinheads led by Trevor, who unwinds Hadji's turban and knocks him down.

An angered Hadji challenges Trevor to a gang fight between the punks and the skins on December 25 on the roof of 20 Oxford St. Although each gang gets a good amount of punches and kicks in, Hadji(already beaten from before and now with a few more broken bones to his name) takes out a sword(like the guy in Indiana Jones) and ends up stabbing Trevor.

Soon enough the police come and both gangs flee with Trevor laying there bleeding and Hadji abandoned by his band. Noticing the North Star shining brighter than usual, Hadji takes a part of his turban and uses it as a tourniquet, saving Trevor's life. Using the rest of the turban to rappel down the roof, a thankful Trevor treats Hadji to a glass of bourbon back at the pub.

It's nice to know that, despite all the cynicism and anger of most punks, some groups still can join together in peace and holiday unity.

Oi to the punks. Oi to the skins. Oi to the world and everybody wins.

Christmas In Hollis

I was originally going to find a screenshot from the scene in Die Hard where Argyle and McClane are in the limo and he's blasting the song and McClane is all like "You got any Christmas music?" and Argyle says "Man, this is Christmas music!"

But the Keith Haring artwork was too good to pass up.

Hi guys, here's more Christmas rapping for you. From Run-DMC

It's pretty rare to find a new Christmas song. All anybody really wants are the standard stuff like "White Christmas" or "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing." Hell, even on the album where "Christmas in Hollis" premiered("A Very Special Christmas"), all the other songs on the compilation record were covers.

The song tells two different stories. In the first half of the song, Run raps about how on Christmas Eve he spots a man and his dog in the park near Hollis Avenue in Queens, New York. At first wary, Run approaches the man only to discover the dog is a reindeer and the man has a big white beard and a bag full of toys. The clock soon turns to 12 and the bearded man takes flight, but his wallet falls out. When Run opens the wallet, he finds a license reading "Santa Claus" and "cold hundreds of G's," at least a million dollars. Run, knowing in his heart that stealing from Santa is wrong, rushed to mail it back to the North Pole. When he gets home, though, he finds a letter from Santa Claus filled with all the money from before.

The rest of the song has both DMC and Run rapping about a regular Christmastime in Hollis, Queens. Yule log in the fireplace, chicken and collard greens for dinner, the ground outside covered in snow.

It's actually a pretty quaint setting that you would expect from any other Christmas song. Shows how Run-DMC had their hearts in the right place.

Christmas At Ground Zero

In the future, after the nuclear holocaust, all that will be left are cockroaches and, apparently Christmas spirit.

Christmas is always a time for novelty songs but no one rocks the novelty song world quite like Weird Al Yankovic. In this case, Yankovic blends the 60s "Wall of Sound" Xmas songs with Cold War nuclear paranoia.

One of Yankovic's darker songs, the song basically concerns an apocalyptic Christmas Eve as air raid sirens fill the air and atom bombs are dropping everywhere.

You don't really hear to much nowadays since Ground Zero has become the go-to name of the site of the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City. But it's still a really entertaining song that pokes fun at the inherent paranoid nature we all have.

Whoops, can't embed! Click here please.

Snow Miser/Heat Miser

So here's the deal with Rankin/Bass's Year Without A Santa Claus, Santa gets a cold(what) and is told by his doctor(what) that he needs to make some changes to his flight schedule. Instead of actually DOING THAT, he goes on vacation and leaves two slack-ass elves in charge to find out if people still believe in St. Nick. The two elves, Jingle and Jangle, get lost in Southtown, a town in the Southern United States and wind up in trouble after the baby reindeer Vixen is mistaken for A DOG(WHAT) and is taken to the fucking DOG POUND DOGS AND REINDEER DO NOT LOOK ALIKE IN ANY WAY NO MATTER WHAT THEIR AGE IS. Anyways, the mayor of Southtown agrees to let Vixen go if Jingle and Jangle can prove they're magic elves by making it snow on Xmas day.

Now here's where it actually gets good. To make it snow, you need permission from the Snow Miser since he's in charge. BUT, since Southtown is in contract with his step-brother, the Heat Miser, it's completely out of his jurisdiction. Heat Miser agrees to let it snow in Southtown but only if he gets control of the North Pole for one day. For the rest of the special both of them act like immature dicks until Mother Nature, their mom, shuts them up.

The Miser Brothers are fucking awesome and their stupid little ragtime songs always get stuck in my head.

Hanukkah Blessings

Last night was the first night of Hanukkah. While I find it hard that any of you wouldn't know what Hannukah is, there's probably someone out there who didn't watch the Rugrats Hanukkah Special(or Lamb Chop's Hanukkah or whatever) as a kid and is pretty uninitiated to the Festival of Lights.

So here's the deal: Antiochus was a dick, looted the Temple of Jerusalem and outlawed Judaism. Because he wasn't feeling enough like a jerk-off, he built an altar to Zeus in the temple, banned circumcision and demanded pigs be sacrificed at the base of the Zeus altar.

Now obviously none of this sat well with the Jewish people and it led to wide-scale revolts and Matthias and his sons(Jochanan, Simeon, Eleazar, Jonathan, Judah, Greg, Peter and Bobby) led a rebellion against Antiochus. Matthias soon died and Judah took his place as leader of the rebellion(alongside Luke Skywalker) and in a fucking year, the revolt was a success.

Much like the end of "Return of the Jedi," there was a huge celebration(although there were significantly less Ewoks). Judah ordered the Temple of Jerusalem to be cleansed and to re-light the menorah(that candle thing in the picture above because if you don't know what Hanukkah is, you probably have no fuckin idea what a menorah is) which is supposed to burn throughout the night every night. HOWEVER, there was only enough olive oil to burn for a single night. Through some sort of miracle(as all these stories have one), it managed to burn for eight whole days which was exactly the right amount of time to make a fresh supply of oil for the menorah. What an interesting coincidence! Anyways, the sages(Princess Zelda, Rauru, Saria, Darunia, Princess Ruto, Impa and Nabooru) proclaimed there would be an eight-day festival in honor of the miracle.

So now we light candles for eight days and give each other shitty presents.

Also, Barenaked Ladies wrote a pretty good new Hanukkah song that incorporates the blessings you say as you light the candles each night. So that's fun.

Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)

There certainly seems to be a scarcity of punk Christmas songs. I don't know if it's the heavy Jewish influence of punk rock or if it's just that punks don't give a shit (I'm leaning on the latter). There are, however, three (well, almost three) joyfully almost hopeful punk Xmas tunes.

The first one comes from punk royalty The Ramones. Joey, Johnny, Marky(replacing long-gone founder Tommy) and Dee Dee perform with the standard fury and speed you would expect from the boys from Forest Hills.

Off of 89's "Brain Drain," which also gave a great Halloween song(Pet Sematary) and an excellent cover (Palisades Park) displaying Joey's love of old 50's rock n roll, Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight) is all about a young couple's trials and tribulations on Xmas Eve. Having fought for the rest of the year, the narrator pleads for a refrain from arguments as he asks "Where is Santa and his sleigh?/And tell me why is it always this way."

However for all the fighting they apparently still care for each as the prelude to the chorus states "I love you and you love me/And that's the way it's got to be," professing how "Christmas ain't the time for breaking each other's heart."

It's a cry for peace. Perhaps not in the same vein as John Lennon, but it's a cry for at least one night without constant bickering.

Do They Know It's Christmas

Guys, I don't know if you know this. There's a lot of starving people out there. Like a lot a lot. I'm just finding this out now.

Bob Geldof, lead singer of the Happy Mondays, a band who's biggest hit was about a girl who shoots up a school because she was bored, decided to fight the forces of hunger by forming Band Aid, a musical supergroup, and releasing a single with all the proceeds going to charity.

Band Aid was formed with some of the most famous musicians of all time(re: the 80s). Among the band include:

• Queen
• Paul McCartney (deciding not to ruin another Christmas song)
• Bono (sporting the greatest mullet of all time)
• Boy George (being Boy George)
• Sting (who literally looks exactly the same as he does now)
• George Michael
• Phil Collins

and also Jody Whatley, Bananarama, Duran Duran and a couple of other bands who had like zero hits in the 80s.

For years it was the largest selling single in the UK until Elton John remade his song about one dead lady and made it about another dead lady. Unlike that song, however, Band Aid has reappeared in multiple incarnations. The most recent including Dido, Robbie Williams and Chris Martin. Damon Albarn of Blur made the tea for the event. I'm serious.

Elf's Lament

For some reason I have a thing for bittersweet Christmas songs. I guess it's just interesting for a dour reminder of life even during this incredibly joyful season. Some of us aren't as lucky as other. Some have to work on Christmas. Others have to work all the way up until Christmas.

Elf's Lament is the tale of a bitter toymaker. Toiling everyday in the awful conditions of the North Pole, the little elf works his frozen hinder year-round making toys for kids, only to get none of the glory when the "fat man"(as he's referred to in the son) delivers the toys on Christmas night.

It's not like it's even worth it anyways. All the crappy wooden trains he makes are just going to be thrown away. The elf soon finds a few like-minded individuals and draws up a petition asking to redefine "employment" under the fat man's rule. Yes, he forms an elf union. And if fatty objects, well he'll soon be wondering where the toys went!

Although you won't see it in the video, the CD track features vocals from crooner Michael Bublé. I only mention this because I like mentioning his name. Bublé. It's fun to say. Try to say it some time!



Bublé!

The Vince Guaraldi Fanblog Presents...

The Right Way and Wrong Way to do a Christmas Song (if you are a former Beatle)


The Right Way

The right way to do a Christmas song (if you are a former Beatle) is to pen a heartfelt antiwar protest song. Despite the stance of John Lennon's Happy Xmas (War Is Over), the song is less about decrying war and more about a plea for peace.

Also, you can arrange the musical structure to have beautiful instrumentation and a chorus of children (always a Christmas favorite). The children's lines "War is over if you want it. War is over now" come from a series of billboards John and Yoko posted in eleven cities all around the world in 1969. In New York, Tokyo, Rome, Athens, Amsterdam, London, Paris and Toronto in late 69, posters reading "War is over! If you want it. Merry Christmas from John and Yoko" (see above) were seen declaring a stance against the highly controversial Vietnam War.

I think the reason this song works is that, despite all its trappings to be overtly cheesy (singing children, sappy protest lyrics), the words came directly from Lennon's heart. It was a meaningful love of the generosity and kindness of Christmas.



The Wrong Way

The wrong way to do a Christmas song (if you are a former Beatle) is to do Wonderful Christmastime. I've recently discovered that a lot of people actually enjoy this song and it's really disheartening to me.

This song, for lack of a better word, sucks. It sucks hard. It's a never-ending barrage of repetitive lyrics and crappy synthesizers while Paul McCartney constantly sings about how he's simply having a wonderful Christmastime.

And I know its supposed to have rhyming words because each verse rhymes but McCartney forgot to make something rhyme with "our spirit's up," so he uses "that's enough." UP AND ENOUGH DON'T EVEN RHYME ARGH. The melody of the song literally goes nowhere but circles, constantly repeating that awful wet synth sound.



I cannot believe this ass wrote Helter Skelter.

Christmas Wrapping

Ohio seems to be a haven for post-punk groups. Pere Ubu, Devo and The Waitresses all hail from The Buckeye State(the latter two both coming from Akron). Only one of those made a Christmas song. At least I think so, but I'm not really sure if Pere Ubu or Devo would ever make a Xmas song anyways.

A straight-forward narrative, Christmas Wrapping involves a busy young woman(portrayed by vocalist Patty Donahue)sitting out of the exhausting Christmas season and vowing not to participate in any Christmas traditions(except for Christmas dinner, I guess).

The woman tells a story about how last year she met a guy at a ski lodge and kept setting up dates to meet again, only for fate to intervene in one way or another. This woman's life has the worst luck possible.

Come Christmas Eve, our heroine, preparing dinner(complete with the A&P providing her "with the world's smallest turkey") comes to the realization that she forgot cranberries. Trudging back out into the snow to the only all-night grocery in town, she meets the guy she's been trying to meet again all year. Turns out he forgot cranberries, too. As the song closes, the woman's faith in the Christmas spirit has been restored and closes the song with a happy ending.

I only know three songs by The Waitresses: I Know What Boys Like, Christmas Wrapping and the theme from Square Pegs. I love all three, but Christmas Wrapping? That's my favorite.

I Hate Christmas

May as well use a segue between this and last month



Okay so on December 3, 1978, Sesame Street had its first Christmas special. Christmas Eve On Sesame Street was all about three different plotlines. One involved Cookie Monster trying to contact Santa for cookies and eating all the devices(a pencil and paper, a typewriter and a phone. He was going to try to ask Santa for cookies by phone) he was trying to contact him with. One was a really heartwarming reenactment of "Gift of the Magi" with Bert and Ernie selling their prized possessions(Ernie's rubber duckie and Bert's paper clip collection) to Mr. Hooper for a gift for the other one(of course, Hooper gives the loved objects back to the buddies and teaches them a lesson in generosity).

The main plotline is even better. Big Bird, excited for Christmas, is confronted by Oscar the Grouch who tells him that its impossible for Santa to get down the chimney and therefore cannot deliver presents. A distraught Big Bird tries to prove Oscar wrong by perching on an apartment roof, waiting for Santa's arrival. Of course when no one can find a 6 year-old, bird or no, people get worried. Eventually falling asleep, a mysterious shadowy figure, accompanied by sleigh bells and hoofbeats, passes Big Bird. Soon, Big Bird is startled awake by noises but can't find anyone so he gets off the roof and into the apartment to warm up, where Gordon and Susan find him and make him stay inside for the rest of the night. While the chimney dilemma is never solved, Big Bird finds presents beneath the tree, which proves to him that Santa exists.

Anyways, among all of this, Oscar sings a song. It's called "I Hate Christmas." It's about how much he hates Christmas. You see, Christmas is all about happiness and good cheer, and if there's one thing a Grouch hates, it's everything. But they especially hate happiness. I had no idea Grouches and Grinches were related.


1:27. Check out Hooper's face.

What? It's December 2nd already?

Guess I should get started then!

Welcome to my Christmas blog. I'd like to thank you for the year, so I'm sending you these posts about Christmas songs to say it's nice to have you here!

So let's go!

Saying Goodbye

Looks like I'm done. Huh.

Well, thanks for reading this month, I guess. If you want some sources, I used the Muppet Wiki and Progressive Boink's list of best Muppets.

I'm probably going to take a little break until December starts. I still don't even know what I'm gonna write about next month, but whatever(BUT IF YOU GUYS HAVE IDEAS).

But until then...

The Letter Z

Hold on to your seat/I'm warning you in advance/It's the zany zesty zippy ziggy zig zag dance

Also this Z picture:

That's Stephen Colbert as Z.

Zoe

Zoe is girl Elmo. Read about Elmo then color him orange and put jewelery on him. That's Zoe. Prairie Dawn isn't on as much because of Zoe.

This is all I will say about Zoe.

Zoot

Completing the Electric Mayhem (and this month) is Zoot, the band's saxophonist. Zoot is, more or less, a washed-up old musician. A 50 year-old burnout playing with Dr. Teeth's band for cash. In addition to his job in the house band, he plays in the pit as a member of The Muppet Orchestra.

Originally Zoot had plenty of lines, but Dave Goelz always had trouble finding a voice for the character. He liked Zoot, but he couldn't get the voice down. Goelz ended up giving away the character lines and developed Zoot as the one around today: The man of few words, who would rather express himself through his music than through words.

Also Zoot serves as a point of confusion to me. The Electric Mayhem is supposed to be a conventional rock band(or psychadelic or something), right? I mean, all the other members play instruments that are common to rock: the guitar, bass, drums, keyboard. So what purpose does a saxophonist have as a member of this band? And it's not just Zoot. They've also had a trumpet player and two different banjo players.

Maybe I think too much about Muppets. But then again that's why I did these posts month, right?

The Letter W

Oh, what is the letter we love?/What sound are we extra fond of?/It's not any trouble you/Know it's a W/When you say "wuh, wuh, wuh"

Wayne and Wanda

Sometimes to make me laugh, you just have to have someone get hurt. And essentially that was the entire gist of Wayne and Wanda. Sam Eagle introduces them as a wholesome act, they start singing a song, then some shit happens. They'll sing "Trees" and a tree will fall on Wayne, they'll sing "On A Clear Day You Can See Forever" and a factory in the distance will cause a fuckload of smoke to cloud the scene.

It's not really that good and they were only ever in the first season before The Muppet Show found its ground, but you know what? It was still funny. Schadenfreude is a funny thing.

Waldo C. Graphic

Waldo is an interesting Muppet. Billed as the "spirit of 3D," Waldo is a fully-CGI Muppet, controlled by a motion-capture device that sort of looks like a mitten.

This might easily sound like some soulless Muppet created last year by Disney(the same one that closed the traditional 2D animation department) for the Muppet company, but it was actually designed back in the mid-80s when Jim Henson was experimenting with creating digital characters.

Waldo was handy since, in addition to being able to interact with other Muppets thanks to the magic of digitally inserting characters, he was able to transform into anything the situation called for. While serving as demographics expert on the short-lived Jim Henson Hour, he transformed into, among other things, a hat, a powersaw and a teenage girl.

If you've been to Hollywood Studios in Walt Disney World, he serves as the antagonist for Muppetvision 3D, where he messes up the presentation of the new 3D technology by destroying Sam's glorious 3 hour finale(whittled down to a minute and a half) named "A Salute To All Nations But Mostly America."