The Letter O

Would you like to buy an O?/Round and neat/A nearly perfect circle/Tidy and complete

Oscar the Grouch

Green, surly and covered in disgusting fur, Oscar is living the dream. Or would be if everyone on Sesame Street would just leave him alone. You see, it's every Grouch's dream to be as miserable and grouchy as possible and to pass that feeling on to everyone else, and Oscar, being a Grouch, is understandably perenially pissed.

Oscar, forever 43 just as Big Bird is forever 6 and Elmo is forever 3, lives next to the stoop of 123 Sesame Street in filthy trash can. He loves trash(as displayed in the song "I Love Trash") and almost never parts with it to the point of Oscar almost never leaving his beloved trash can. In the times when he does has to move, he enlists his chauffer, a sanitation worker named Bruno.

The inspirations for Oscar came from two different places, one as explained in Sesame Street Unpaved, "as inspired by a nasty waiter from a restaurant called Oscar's Tavern in Manhattan. Jim Henson and Jon Stone were waited on by a man who was so rude and grouchy that he surpassed annoying and started to actually amuse both Jim and Jon. They were so entertained that going to Oscar's Tavern became a sort of masochistic form of luncheon entertainment for them, and their waiter forever became immortalized as the world's most famous Grouch." While Oscar's character was created in unlikely circumstances with an awful waiter, his voice came from a very simple situation. Carol Spinney, still stuck on a voice for the character, was on his way to the Sesame Street set for his first day as Oscar when he got into a cab. The taxi driver, with his heavy Bronx accent, said "Where to, mac?" and the voice just got stuck in Spinney's head, so when he went to perform as the Grouch, the accent stuck with the old urban grump.

Despite his terminal grouchiness, Oscar still has to deal with admiration, something he obviously hates. Whether it be from the loyal Grouchketeers or from Telly and Elmo, who think Oscar is a friend, all Oscar wants is to be left alone. Well, that's actually not true because Oscar hates being alone, because then there is no one for him to harass. His favorite targets seem to be the impressionable Big Bird(who he once told that Santa doesn't come to Sesame Street because "the chimneys are too small") and Maria(who he loves to fluster by insulting other cast members).

Oscar came into the world as a way for kids to experience a fun use of non-destructive anarchy and for 40 years has been the first real example of the internet troll for children. He has stayed at that same stoop since he was an orange bastard in Episode 1 of Sesame Street and has grown to have hundreds of cousins all across the globe, including my favorite, Moishe Oofnik, the Israeli Grouch who lives in a car on Rechov Sumsum. Oscar and his kin will forever be the favorite meanies of kids all over.



Okay? Now scram!

The Letter N

In a cold and far-off place/There was a lower-case N./Lonely and cold, she would stare off into space/And it was known that she would cry now and then

The Newsman

Oh that poor poor newsman. A one-note character if there ever was one, the Newsman is the anchor of Muppet News who tries to keep an air of dignity to his profession while things fall on him.

That is the spiel with the Newsman. He reads a funny headline and ends up having something fall on him. But you know what? It works. It's funny and cheesy, but that's partly what I love about the Muppets. The ability to throw stupid gags against a wall and have them stick.

The Newsman is like the mascot for the Muppet tradition of one-note joke. And I love him for it.

THE NIGHTMARE

The Muppets have a long standing series of amazing Christmas specials, from Christmas Eve On Sesame Street to A Muppet Christmas Carol. But Emmet Otter's Jug-band Christmas was different.

For one thing, these were entirely new characters. We didn't have Bert and Ernie trading their beloved items to buy a present for each other. We didn't have Kermit dressed as Bob Cratchit getting harassed by Michael Caine. We had Emmet and his mama, Alice, trying to make ends meet in Frogtown Hollow.

Upon hearing of a talent competition, both Emmet and Alice decide to try out and make some money without the other knowing about it. Alice sews a lovely dress and sings a pretty song, and Emmet, after weeks of practicing (or was it days) performs a nice song with his jug band. It's all really nice and sweet.

Until they get their FUCKING ASSES KICKED BY THE FUCKING NIGHTMARE. Formed by local Frogtown Hollow toughs The Riverbottom Gang, led by fellow otter (or gopher or whatever the fuck he is) Chuck (OH maybe he's a woodchuck because his name is Chuck!), the Nightmare perform their signature song "Riverbottom Nightmare Band" and they rock the fuck out. I can't find any actual link to the song, so here's some lady covering it and being pretty cool because she is covering a song FROM EMMET FUCKING OTTER.


Now obviously the Nightmare wins and Emmet and Alice are left without prize money and I mean that without any sarcasm or anything. The protagonists of the film lose the money they need to survive and the asshole antagonists win it all. Merry Christmas everyone!

For more information on Emmet Otter you can look here, which is the second Muppet related Progressive Boink article I've posted this month.

The Letter M

Me and my M, mm-mm/We go mm, mm, mm/When we mosey along/Mosey on, mosey on

Martians

"There was always a minority afraid of something, and a great majority afraid of the dark, afraid of the future, afraid of the past, afraid of the present, afraid of themselves and shadows of themselves." - Ray Bradbury, The Martian Chronicles

Fear and paranoia are prevalent when facing the unknown. The simple threat of the USSR led America to hide in fear from the Red Scare despite them having to wait in line for bread. So why shouldn't visitors from another world show fear and confusion at normal, everyday Earth objects?

These Martians, occasionally known as Yip-yips, are very squid-like with their tentacles and giant bug eyes. They also have antennae because aliens!

Their whole bit was observing a common object and converse in their native language, which is comprised of "yip yip yip yip yip, uh-HUH, uh-HUH" in a monotone. Sometimes they'll imitate the object (like a phone) or they'll consult a book and mistake one object for another (like a computer for a typewriter).

It's so rare in performances to see people have ridiculous fun in what they're doing, but the Martians sketches always made it seem like the puppeteers were really having fun with that. Most Muppet stuff looked like people were really just goofing around while doing and that's what made it great.

Marjory the Trash Heap

Oracle to the denizens of Fraggle Rock, Marjory is a giant sentient pile of garbage who knows all, and due to the wide array of garbage that makes her up, she also is all. To quote Marjory, "I'm orange peels, I'm coffee ground, I'm wisdom!"

Almost always joined by her shills, the rat-like Philo and Gunge, Marjory was always ready to lend a helping hand or temporary solution and even encouraged the Fraggles and other species to come together in harmony. While serving as a source of wisdom for the Fraggles in the first season, she was relocated in the second season. Since then, her appearances were much more sporadic and only needed when the Fraggles really needed help with a problem.

Also she sounded like an old Jewish grandma which is like 1000x funnier if you have one.

Miss Piggy

Coy and aggressive. Those are the two faces of the porcine prima donna and female lead of The Muppet Show. One minute she's showering affection for her Kermie, the next she's karate chopping the hell out of him, sending him flying through the air.

The self-proclaimed star of The Muppet Show, Miss Piggy is a multi-talented swine. She's a skilled dramatic actress, starring in both medical drama "Veterinarian's Hospital" and space epic "Pigs In Space." She's also an excellent singer, sometimes performing duets with the love of her life. She can also drive a truck and tap dance.

Originally a one-dimensional character, the writers soon realized there was more to her than just "pig who loves frog." As a matter of fact, her diva personality seperates her from just about any other character. Her unique character has led her to being one of the most popular Muppets, writing a best-selling book, creating a fitness album. She even had her own perfume called Moi.

As Frank Oz once said "She wants everyone to treat her like a lady, and if they don't, she'll cut them in half." Piggy to a T.

The Letter L

I heard the little L/Let out a "luh, luh, luh"/The little Rebel L/He cried "luh, luh, luh"

Lew Zealand

Lew Zealand is a very strange fellow.

For whatever reason a regular on The Muppet Show, Lew's act was that of a boomerang fish thrower, which is exactly what it sounds like. He throws fish and they come back to him. While boomerang fish throwing might seem a little difficult, Zealand simply explains "You gotta have sole. And if you can't get sole, use halibut."

Once he did this thing here:

Aaaaand that's all I have to say about Lew Zealand!

Link Hogthrob

According to Brian Henson, "As a kid, whenever my dad did some stereotypical fatherly chore, like carving the Thanskgiving turkey, that would be the voice he would use. I guess when the character of this pompus, not-too-bright pig came along, he figured well that voice would fit just perfectly."

The fearless captain of the Swinetrek, Link Hogthrob was the blonde, cleft-chinned, dim-witted star of Pigs In Space, a great recurring Muppet Show sketch about pigs. In space. Frequently his Shatnerian machismo would be a source of conflict between him and First Mate Piggy.

Outside of the Swinetrek, Hogthrob carried his Shatner parody to singing as well performing such songs as "Sea Chantey," a solo on the song "Sonny Boy", and the awesome "I Talk to the Trees." Later on, Hogthrob would co-star with Fozzie Bear on the equally great "Bear On Patrol," where he portrays the Police Chief to Fozzie's Patrol Bear. Link's own idiocy would commonly cause harm to Patrol Bear. And that was it. A bear in police uniform couldn't get his job done and would get hurt. That was every episode of "Bear On Patrol" and it was amazing.

Lefty

pssst

hey mac

you wanna buy this post?

A great salesman, Lefty's decked in a trenchcoat, usually selling Ernie some letter, number, or object. Actually he usually failed in his endeavors so he wasn't that great a salesman.

Lefty is very shady. He's like some kind of a black market Q salesman or something.

shhhhh

now buy the post and take it home tonight.

The Letter K

There once was a king from Kalamazoo/Who had a kicky kangaroo/Now the kindly kangaroo named Kay/Played a keen kazoo both night and day

There are no Muppets of any importance that begin with the letter K










Okay fine

Kermit The Frog


Starting from the humblest of origins, one of Elizabeth Henson's old coats and a ping pong ball cut in half, it's hard to believe that a lizard-like minor character on WRC's "Sam and Friends" would become one of the most beloved and popular fictional characters.

Kermit is everything in the Muppet world. He reports on news stories on Sesame Street, he's the frazzled host and stage manager of The Muppet Show, he's the executive producer of Muppets Tonight. If there's a Muppet production, Kermit is in it and usually playing a big role. He is without a doubt the de facto leader of the Muppets. Even outside of the Muppet world, he stands above all other puppets. He's hosted The Tonight Show and Larry King Live, he was a semi-regular for two years of Hollywood Square. Hell, he even accompanied Lady GaGa at this year's MTV Video Music Awards. Kermit has some damn staying power.

More than any other Muppet, Kermit represents Jim Henson. In fact, Kermit basically is a froggier version of Henson. He was the spirit of Henson's creativity, originality, body, mind and soul. He's the voice to the things the usually quiet Henson wouldn't or couldn't say. He's Henson's wit and innocence rolled into one. Knowing the world isn't always beautiful but you have to make with what you have. We may not be that beautiful, either, but we should still love who we are.

Kermit is not Bugs Bunny or WALL-E or Mickey Mouse. Kermit isn't two-dimensional. He actually exists. His face and voice and character is all real. He can interact with a little girl who keeps putting Cookie Monster into the alphabet.

He can ride a bicycle and he can play a banjo

He'll fly across the room after getting brutally kicked by Miss Piggy. He can be hugged and kissed and felt and talked to. Kermit has dreams and hopes and feelings, moreso than other fictional character. Kermit is more human than any other frog would even dare to dream.

He's green and it'll be fine. It's beautiful and it's what he wants to be.

The Letter J

Sometimes I couldn't find any Muppets beginning with a certain letter, so I'm just going to skip that letter. This makes this much easier for me.


I'll never let it go/I'll keep my J with me/My J and I, come next July/Will join a jamboree.

Johnny Fiama


Muppets Tonight wasn't that good. It did, however, give us a few new characters. Mainly Pepe the King Prawn(who I don't like that much), but it also gave us Johnny Fiama.

Fiama is an old crooner in the style of Sinatra and, Fiama's idol, Tony Bennet. He's a regular performer on the KMUP lineup, occasionally promoting his own wares including an album called "Johnny, We Hardly Heard You" and his own theater restaurant, Johnny's Pasta Playhouse.

Despite apparently being a halfway successful singer with his own TV show("The Johnny Fiama Show") and a bodyguard (a monkey with a hot temper named Sal Minella), Johnny still lives with his mama. My best guess for this is that, as a Muppet, Fiama is very immature. Also I heard she makes a delicious pasta sauce so maybe that's it.

Janice


Part Janis Joplin(her namesake) and part Mick Jagger(the basis for her looks), Janice is the lead guitarist and backup singer(sometimes lead) for the Electric Mayhem.

The only member of the band to hold another career, Janice is also a frequent performer on The Muppet Show, mainly on the medical drama Veterinarian's Hospital(which for some reason commonly doesn't actually have animals as the subject of the sketch), where she plays the fittingly named Nurse Janice.

Sometimes there's a running joke in Muppet movies where, when all of them are talking at the same time and someone quiets them, Janice is the last one to finish talking, usually loudly saying something inappropriate to the actual topic of conversation("So I told him, 'Look, man, I don't take my clothes off for anybody, even if it is artistic' and...Oh.").

The Letter H

Add an "ip" (Hip!)/Or add an "ey" (Hey!)/Or add an E, and then a L, and then the letter P (HELP ME!)/That's H/Soul H.

Herry Monster


Poor, poor Herry. A blue fuzzy monster with a big ol purple nose, Herry was a great monster. A big guy who doesn't even know the extent of his strength, Herry was most at home with his monster doll, Hercules.

Then something happened, I don't know what. I might have been Elmo pushed into the spotlight, I don't really know and I don't blame Elmo for it. But Herry got lost somewhere along the way. His last big appearance was in 2001 when he had a sleepover with Gabi(Maria and Luis's daughter).

I miss Herry.

Hoggle

Hoggle is the first person who aids young Sarah (my third favorite Jennifer Connelly character) through Jareth's (played by David Bowie with 80s hair and a giant bulge) labyrinth. The surliest dwarf since Grumpy, Hoggle provides a series of odd jobs in the labryinth, like exterminating fairies, and he enjoys collecting shiny things.

At first incredibly callous and pissed off toward Sarah, she tricks him into being her guide through Goblin King's maze. During the journey, the develop a friendship and Hoggle learns to overcome his cowardice and must eventually choose between his newfound friendship and his fear-induced loyalty to Ziggy Stardust.

In Labyrinth, Hoggle represents Jesus

Hoots


A jazz playing owl, Hoots is the man. One of the few elderly muppets on Sesame Street, Hoots has a granddaughter named Athena and a long history as a musician.

Before his current gig, leading the band at Club Birdland, Hoots got his first gig in a band called "The Rhythm School." Moving on to his own, he flew from nightclub to nightclub working with many musical greats. Now that he's older and wiser (because owl) he's settled on Sesame Street where he still jams to this day.

Hoots has taught Ernie to put down the duckie and, recently, he was the one who taught Cookie Monster that "A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food" (which is a parody of a goddamn Gershwin song).

Hoots is the old jazz musician we should all know.