100 Greatest Movie Characters: 35

"Go ahead, make my day"

35. "Dirty" Harry Callahan
Dirty Harry

There is very little likability when it comes to Callahan. A perverted, racist, borderline fascistic cop with a loose grasp on the rules and a fashion sense that was laughable even in the 70s. So why is he so cool? Why is it that a complete prick like Callahan is so awesome? Because he's Clint Eastwood. Just as the Man With No Name became the template for a new Western hero, Eastwood turned Harry Callahan into the template for a new type of cop: one who plays by his own rules.

A fan of the .44 Magnum revolver ("most powerful handgun in the world"), Callahan is not above killing and frquently shuns police protocol, believing them to simply be "red tape." Callahan doesn't even care when facing constant threats of suspension from his superiors.

Harry Callahan is a new type of cop. One who paved the way for "Die Hard" and "NYPD Blue" and "The Shield" and every other type of badass cop.

Also, Callahan inspired one of my favorite jokes from "The Simpsons." Please enjoy McGarnagle:





Defining moment: Chasing down a crook and shooting him to leave him incapacitate, Callahan delivers one of his most famous lines:

I know what you're thinking: 'Did he fire six shots or only five?' But to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I've kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 36

"My name's Forrest Gump. People call me Forrest Gump."

36. Forrest Gump
Forrest Gump

From one simpleton on to another.

Say what you will about the film, about how it's corny or what you will, but it's a testament to Tom Hanks that his character is rarely ever mentioned in the film's complaints.

Just like Navin Johnson, Gump is simpleton with a big heart. Unlike Navin, however, Gump is a historical figure. Seemingly bumping into people at every turn, from teaching Elvis to dance as a young disabled boy to telling JFK that he really has to take a piss, Forrest is a prism for how we as a people view our modern history. As he grows, Forrest makes friends (shrimp-loving Bubba and angry but good-natured Lt. Dan) and chases the love of his life, the beautiful Jenny. Forrest is played as goofy and sweet all at once.

Defining moment: His tearful speech at Jenny's grave about how smart their son, Forrest Jr., is.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 37

"I was born a poor black child"

37. Navin Johnson
The Jerk

Navin Johnson is an idiot.

Defining momen

Okay wait, I guess I should talk more about Navin. Adopted at a very young age by a poor black family, Navin was distraught when he learned he would stay the same color he decides to set out on his own, embarking on a series of misadventures, going from rags to riches back to rags.

Unlike Brick Tamland or Carl Spackler, Navin is a moron but he's a caring guy. A gullible shmuck with a heart of gold and a hidden talent for invention, creating the eyeglass holder known as Opti-Grab. That's the great thing about Navin Johnson to me, his innocent simplicity: a man who thought he was black until he reached adulthood, a man who called a dog "Shithead" only because someone suggested it, a man who loves Thermoses.

Defining moment: Finally a someone now that his name is in the phone book (its in print), a crazed gunman picks Navin's name at random. A terrible shot, he misses everytime he fires at Navin, each time hitting some oil cans. First thinking the cans are defective, Navin soon realizes the gunman hates the cans.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 38

"Funny how? What's funny about it?"

38. Tommy Devito
Goodfellas

As far back as I could remember, Tommy Devito was a fucking nutcase.

A psychotic, diminutive mobster with a love for his mother bigger than his ego, Tommy is the quintessential Joe Pesci character: A little guy with a short temper and a loud mouth.

I've always felt that the three main cast members of "Goodfellas" are different parts of Henry Hill. Henry himself is the common sense and body, he's himself and that's who he is. Jimmy is the brains, thinks things through and if they make sense, he'll go with them. Tommy, however, is the temper and the drive. Tommy was never one to back down from a fight, no matter how big the opponent may be (and considering Tommy's size, they were almost always bigger).

But of course, Tommy shows the danger of being too big for his britches. Seemingly unaware that you need more than to just be fierce to survive in the (sometimes literally) cut-throat world of the mob.

Defining moment: His confrontation with Henry over how he's funny. You could cut the tension with a knife.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 39

"I am...in a world...of shit!"

39. Pvt. Pyle
Full Metal Jacket

Hartman's object of scorn, Pyle is fat and cowardly and incompetent. He's not very smart, either.

As Hartman punishes the other Privates for every time Pyle "fucks up," the other Privates begin to scorn Pyle, as well. Sgt. Hartman appoints kindly Pvt. Matthew Modine (or "Joker") to watch over and mentor Pyle to set him straight. Or else. As the punishments continue, the Privates (sans Joker) soon really start to fucking hate the guy. One night, they engage in a blanket party with Pyle (they pin him down and severely beat him with bars of soap wrapped in socks. Joker is the last to hit him and has to cover his ears to try to ignore his bunk mate sobbing in mental and physical pain.

Over a few days, Pyle grows more withdrawn and sullen. Hartman becomes very impressed with his skills with an M14 rifle, but Joker worries as Pyle starts to carry conversations with his rifle. Pyle's change from pot-bellied puss to discipline psychopath is a wonderful representation of how war can change a person, even before they actually enter the war.

Defining moment: Joker notices Pyle heading into the latrines with his rifle and live ammunition. A frightened Joker tells him to calm down lest he wakes Hartman, but Pyle just begins executing drill commands and shouting the Rifleman's Creed, awakening, guess who?, Hartman.

Hartman begins yelling at Pyle to put the gun down and, as he begins verbally abusing him, Pyle just smiles and shoot Hartman in the chest. He then turns the gun on himself and pulls the trigger in his mouth, all in front of Joker. A tragic act of the film closed on a tragic denouement (although the second act isn't exactly sunshine and lollipops).

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 40

"Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident."

40. Brick Tamland
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

It takes someone special to upstage a presence like Ron Burgundy, and that's excatly what Brick is: special. Very, very special. Literally, he's a mentally retarded weatherman.

Played by the marvelous Steve Carell with a penchant for pure stupidity and a wide-eyed innocence, Brick is able to get away with the inane, moronic things he says because he doesn't know any better. Brick is an innocent in Burgundy's story, nearly oblivious to everything that happens.

Brick is well-liked, however, mainly because he is polite and rarely ever late. He likes to eat ice cream and really enjoys a good pait of slacks. He also loves lamps.

Defining moment: His more than awkward attempt to invite newswoman Veronica Corningstone to his pants party.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 41

"Fire bad!"

41. The Monster
Frankenstein

Just so you guys remember: he is Frankenstein's Monster. Not Frankenstein. That's his creator. I am tired of explaining this.

The invention of the mad Dr. Victor Frankenstein, the Monster is the re-animated remains of a number of combined human beings. Mix in an abnormal brain and voila!, instant monster. It's a shame for me to refer to him as nothing but the Monster because, well, he's not one. He's essentially Lenny from "Of Mice and Men," just some giant man with a low intelligence and huge strength. He doesn't understand any of what's going on, why he's alive again, or what. He's more of a tender soul.

Like Edward Scissorhands, he reflects one of my favorite lyrics (from "The Mob Song" from Disney's "Beauty and the Beast"): "We don't like/What we don't understand/In fact it scares us/And this monster is mysterious, at least." The townspeople are scared of this giant beast and their fear turns to anger and before you know it, it's all pitchforks and torches. Poor guy.

Defining moment: The Monster sees a little girl picking flower petals and throwing them into a lake. Joining her, he finally seems happy having fun with this small child. Unfortunately, he runs out of flower petals and, not knowing any better, throws the girl into the lake, believing she would just float. Like the pretty flower petals.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 42

"'When the man with a 45 meets the man with a rifle', you said 'the man with a pistol is a dead man.' Let's see if it's true."

42. The Man With No Name
A Fistful of Dollars

Clint Eastwood's character which revitalized the Western genre (thanks also to Sergio Leone's direction and Ennio Morricone's brilliant scores), The Man With No Name, actually does have a name. Well, aliases, at least. In "A Fistful of Dollars," he's Joe. In "For A Few Dollars More," he's Manco. And in "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly," he's Blondie (even if he's not blonde).

No matter what name he goes by, it's obviously the same character. The same steely gaze, same gruff voice, same southwestern outfit, and, most importantly, same speed on the gun. By the time you even think to reach for your gun, he's already shot you twice. Often imitated, never duplicated, The Man With No Name is a modern-day gunslinging badass of the West. Be glad he's (technically) the good guy and hope that you're not the bad guy.

Defining moment:Scrawling his name into a rock before the final standoff in "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 43

"Tonight... you pukes will sleep with your rifles! You will give your rifle a girl's name! Because this is the only pussy you people are going to get! Your days of finger-banging old Mary Jane Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over! You're married to this piece, this weapon of iron and wood! And you will be faithful!"

43. Gunnery Sgt. Hartman
Full Metal Jacket

A loud, abrasive Drill Sergeant with a penchant for insult and swears. Just like any good Drill Sergeant, Hartman has no problem with torturing his Privates (not like that, you creep). Unlike most, however, Hartman seems to get a much more sadistic pleasure out of torturing them (okay, if you're not going to take this seriously, just get out).

As Hartman reviews his new team, he takes an immediately disliking to Pvt. Leonard Lawrence, who he names "Pvt. Pyle." Pyle is more than a nuisance for Hartman, he's the worst thing to come into his life. Pyle is a misfit to him: he's overweight, afraid of heights, weak, and stupid pile of shit. Essentially everything he despises as a Marine.

Played by real life former Marine drill instructor R. Lee Ermey, Hartman is, while exaggerated to a degree, he's more than a realistic representation of what many troops in Boot Camp dealt with in the past. A violent, foul-mouthed man who will yell at you until you straighten up. Or die trying.

Defining moment: His meeting of the recruits. Wasting no time in whipping them into shape, he immediately insults them, intimidates them, and nicknames them. Not particularly in that order.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 44

"Try not. Do or do not. There is no try."

44. Yoda
The Empire Strikes Back

Part 6 in a series of Star Wars characters

At first glance, he just looks like some kind strange little creature, and let's face it, he is. Barely a person on Earth who couldn't immediately recognize Yoda's distinct way of speaking, there is. Plus he's a puppet that's roughly the size of an Ewok and when we're even introduced to him, he plays himself off as a slightly demented old man, or whatever he is.

Of course, he isn't. He's actually one of the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy, exiled to the disgusting swampy Dagobah system after the Empire emerged as the new power. His role in the Star Wars canon is far too important for words. He denies teaching young Anaking Skywalker due to the present anger and fear in the boy. He teaches Anakin's son, the wonderfully-coiffed Luke Skywalker, the ways of the Force and makes him into a true Jedi. He even fights amazingly (although he sometimes looks like a hopping CGI turd, but let's forget about that).

The fact that Yoda is one of the few characters left virtually unscathed by the film's prequels is a testament to the little guy's integrity and importance. Judge him by his size, you should not. His ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is.

Defining moment: I could easily go the direct route and say something like Yoda lifting Luke's X-Wing with the Force, but that's not my favorite moment. Yoda's defining moment for me is his introduction where he acts like a doddering old fool before revealing himself to be a Jedi master. I just like the fact that this powerful creature just wants to dick around with Luke by eating his food before teaching him. It's funny to me.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 45

"Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it."

45. Rufus T. Firefly
Duck Soup

Due to insistence of the wealthy Mrs. Teasdale, Rufus is named president-dictator of the bankrupt Freedonia. Then he declares war on the neighboring nation of Sylvania.

Look, I don't need to tell you why this is on the list. It's fucking Groucho. One of the most infamous wiseasses in film history. His putdowns are just as infamous as his looks.

Here look at this line: "I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you came home." All Marx Bros. films are full of lines like these. And Duck Soup has the best ones. I easily could have put any other film here, but chose Duck Soup for the hell of it.

Listen all you need to know is that Groucho is awesome and that you should see "Duck Soup" as soon as possible.

Defining moment: Before meeting with the president of Sylvania, he joyfully describes shaking hands. Only to wonder what would happen if the president didn't shake. His thoughts slowly grow more and more negative until the Sylvanian president finally arrives. A now enraged Grouch slaps his face for his imaginary insults and war is finally declared.

100 Greatest Movie Character: 46

"Mein Fuhrer! I can walk!"

46. Dr Strangelove
Dr Strangelove or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Learn To Love The Bomb

In maybe the most brilliant satire on war ever, Stanley Kubrick's "Dr Strangelove" looks at what would happen if nuclear war were declared by accident! Hilarious! While it may not sound like a barrel of laughs, it really is thanks in part to the cast mugging it up throughout the whole film, including Peter Sellers, one of the greatest muggers in the history of film, who plays three roles. The best of course being the film's title character.

A pastiche of multiple German scientists who fled during World War 2 (and some who didn't), Strangelove is the wheelchair-bound scientific advisor in the war room of President Merkin Muffley (also played by Sellers). Picked for his past experience as a Nazi physicist, he tries to hide his obviously embarrassing past, but seems to constantly go back into his old ways. Whether it be describing breeding a race of ubermensch after nuclear holocaust or accidentally calling the President "mein Furher" (on a couple occasions) or having his hand seemingly involuntarily go up into the Nazi salute, Strangelove (born with the ever weirder surname Merkwürdigliebe) can't seem to shake his past. Or doesn't want to.

Defining moment: His speech on building an underground bunker where special breeding will take place. An increasingly visibly excited Strangelove slowly gets up out of his chair without ever noticing until he proclaims the film's final lines (see quote). Although his excitement soon ends due to complete nuclear annihilation.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 47

"I can't."

47. Edward Scissorhands
Edward Scissorhands

Only someone with a heart and mind like Tim Burton's could make a character with a hauntingly white face, wild dark hair, and scissors for hands the tragic hero of a modern fairytale. Of course, not many people think like Burton, so it easily could have been hard for him to find someone to help bring this character to life. Luckily Johnny Depp thinks like Tim Burton because no one else could bring beauty to such a sad character.

Left to fend for himself after his creator dies (right before giving him real hands, too!), Edward lives alone in a dark, gothic mansion on top of a hill until he's discovered by Avon lady Peg Boggs. Peg invites him into her home in the very pastel suburbs, where he becomes a source of fantasy, resentment, adoration, gossip, and even lust for the people of suburbia.

In a true beauty and beast situation, Edward soon falls for Peg's daughter Kim and he tries to win her over. Kim is obviously fearful at first of the fairly freakish Edward, but soon warms up to his gentle nature and naive kindness. Unfortunately, she's dating a real jerk of a jock named Jim(played by Anthony Michael Hall? Isn't he supposed to be the one getting beaten up by jocks?).

Edward Scissorhands is a beautifully misunderstood character that only wants to be misunderstood. By the end of the film, we invest in his own trusting naivete and innate decency that we can't help but feel for me through and through.

Defining moment: The heartwrenchingly romantic scene where Edward creates an ice sculpture for Kim while she dances in the resulting snowflakes.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 48

"So I got that going for me. Which is nice."

48. Carl Spackler
Caddyshack

Once in a while there is a character so strange, so sublimely stupid, that he grips you with the unbelievable idiocy he espouses. Carl Spackler is that guy.

Before Bill Murray dominated the roles of sad older man and sarcastic but lovable prick, there was Carl, the assistant to Bushwood Country Club's greenskeeper (is there any job more pathetic than greenskeeper's assistant?). As the snobs vs. slobs war rages on between Rodney Dangerfield and Ted Knight, the more than a little unhinged Spackler tracks down a rogue gopher that has gotten loose on the club fairground.

Carl is maybe the most memorable character in "Caddyshack," even if he is a minor character. He barely has any screen time except for his sub-plot, yet anyone who sees the film remembers him the most. Maybe it's the dumbass voice, maybe it's the barrage of memorable lines. Probably both. Anyways, Carl Spackler is a great character in a great film. So he's got that going for him. Which is nice.

Defining moment: His story of caddying for his holiness, the Dalai Lama.



Gunga Galunga, Carl. Gunga Galunga.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 49

"He's no good to me dead"

49. Boba Fett
The Empire Strikes Back

Part 5 in a series of Star Wars characters

Let's take a step back first. Before Boba got a back story as bitchy little kid who lost his dad to Sam Jackson. Before he sounded like Peter Jackson. Even before he got eaten by a Sarlacc, the galaxy's only species of giant sentient genitalia. Boba Fett was the shit.

He had a kick-ass helmet, kick-ass giant gun, kick-ass spaceship. He outwitted Han Solo. He had a fucking jetpack. He didn't even take any shit from maybe the most dangerous man in the galaxy, Darth Vader.

There's not much to say about Boba Fett being awesome. For one and 1/3 films, Boba Fett was a fucking hardcore badass. He was the coolest person in the galaxy whose name wasn't Solo. And he had to go out like a punk. Damn, yo. Damn.

Defining moment: Tracking down Han Solo to Bespin. By hiding in garbage. You sneaky Mandalorian bastard.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 50

"Nihilists? Fuck me. Say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos"

50. Walter Sobchak
The Big Lebowski

John Goodman is a big guy, but beneath his huge presence and gruff voice beats the heart of a sweet and kind man. It's partly why he played Sulley in "Monsters, Inc." For all his formidable exterior, he's more or less a teddy bear inside.

Walter Sobchak is not John Goodman. Walter Sobchak is loud and angry and violent. He's a Vietnam veteran with a security service who enjoys bowling with a slacker and a whatever the hell Donnie is. He's abrasive, he does before he thinks. Above it all, he's just an asshole.

He's a loyal friend, though, I guess. Loyal even to his ex-wife, since he takes he care of her pedigree show dog when she goes on vacation. He even remains true to Judaism, the religion he converted to when he married, by observing the laws of Shabbat, otherwise known as Shomer Shabbos(which means he doesn't answer the phone, drive a car, turn on the oven, and he sure as fuck DOESN'T ROLL! SHOMER SHABBOS! Shomer fucking Shabbos.)

Defining moment: Believing a fifteen year-old boy stole The Dude's car, took the money in the back and bought himself a new car, Walter takes his frustation out on the boy's car with a golf club. Only to discover it belongs to the guy across the street. So much for teaching the boy what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass (or if you're watching it on television, what happens you find a stranger in the Alps).

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 51

"Well, I would say that I'm just drifting. Here in the pool."

51. Benjamin Braddock
The Graduate

Benjamin Braddock just graduated from college. His whole future is ahead of him. Too bad he has no idea what to do with it.

The perfect pre-Hughes angsty young person, Braddock is a great representation of the time in every one's life where you're just caught. You're not a kid or a teen anymore and you're barely an adult. You never have anywhere to go. Dustin Hoffman, one of the best actors of the last generation, keeps Ben aloof and distant but still makes him interesting. He begins to sleep around with proto-MILF Mrs. Robinson as a means to escape from his own lack of ambition or direction.

A lot of people tend to fuck up the image of the sixties. For some, it was a free love romp of sex and drugs and bullshit awesomeness. For others, it was the start of an age of corruption and violence and bullshit bullshit. For out-of-touch 40-something Broadway directors, its the most cliche eye-rolling sixties cliche bullshit scored to the music of The Beatles. But I found Benjamin Braddock to be the best metaphor for his age: a distant man (at least, i guess he's a man) who doesn't know what to do in an era of what he knows is bullshit.

Defining moment: Finally preventing the marriage of Robinson's daughter Elaine and running away on a bus with her, Ben's satisfied smile slowly fades to a neutral uncomfortable expression. When Elaine looks at Ben, her smile fades as well. Even running away, they still don't know where they're headed.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 101

Because someone wanted to see, here's the one that almost made my list

"To be a moron. To be moronical. An imbecile. Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived"

101. Kirk Lazarus
Tropic Thunder

One of the greatest actors of our generation, Australia's Kirk Lazarus is the ultimate method actor. He brings an air of professionalism (and usually an award or five) to any film he works on. His most recent work, "Four Leaf" Tayback's infamously gritty Vietnam memoir "Tropic Thunder," casts him in the role of Sgt. Lincoln Osiris, the tough-talking African-American sergeant of Tayback's troop. Ever the professional, Lazarus undergoes a controversial pigmentation altercation surgery to darken his skin to match the complexion of the character.

In reality, Robert Downey Jr. plays Lazarus/Osiris and is just covered in blackface and speaking in a ridiculous blaxploitation accent. Yet for all the pure stupidity he carries with him, you can still feel he's smarter than just about every other character in it. Let me put it like this. At one point, he gets called the "n-word" by rapper Alpa Chino, the only actual black cast member of the film. Lazarus slaps him across the face and hugs him, telling him "For 400 years, that word has kept us down." Then he proceeds to fucking quote the theme from The Jeffersons.

Yet, it's all weirdly okay, because none of what Lazarus is doing seems wrong to him. From his perspective, he's just deep in character, where he'll remain until the DVD commentary is over (Downey actually does the majority of the film commentary with the character accent, dropping only when Lazarus drops it. He then uses an Australian accent until the credits). Kirk Lazarus is an enigma. An incredibly offensive enigma.

Defining moment: Lazarus has three for me:

3. The invasion of the Flaming Dragon drug ring, where he speaks fluent Mandarin in the stupid Osiris accent. To clarify, Robert Downey Jr. is playing an Australian actor who is playing an African-American soldier who is playing a Chinese farmer. Robert Downey Jr. is an amazing actor.

2. His emotional breakdown near the end. Finally admitting that, for all his professionalism and awards and knowledge of who his character's are, he doesn't even know who he is. Robert Downey Jr. is an amazing actor.

1. Obviously, his speech to fading action star Tugg Speedman who once tried to break into drama with his portrayal of the mentally-challenged character Simple Jack. Lazarus's "never go full retard" speech chews out the Academy on their love of the disabled and might be the most controversial thing about the entire movie as it raised the ire of a number of disability advocacy groups.

Also, I'm pretty sure this monologue was what earned him his Oscar nomination because the Academy didn't want to seem like stuck-up buttholes. Also a reason for getting the nomination? Because Robert Downey Jr. is an amazing actor.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 52

"You know, you can say it backwards, which is docious-ali-expi-listic-fragi-cali-repus, but that's taking it a bit too far, don't you think?

52. Mary Poppins
Mary Poppins

Practically perfect in every way. That might seem incredibly boastful for anyone to say (I dare you to put it on your resume). Unless you're Mary Poppins, the fabulous nanny who can pull off truly being practically perfect in every way.

Poppins is truly magical, with the ability to fly with her umbrella, slide UP a stair rail, and possesses a bag of tricks more magical than Felix the Cat's. Plus she has an amazing singing voice, which is prefect for the all those songs she seems to just break into. Oh, and she's very pretty.

Happiness just seems to follow her. Even hanging out with what should be shady chimney sweeps, turns them into jolly fellows with charmingly awful Cockney accents. A wholesome and lovely woman, Mary Poppins is the original Supernanny.

Defining moment: The technicolor brain attack that is the "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" scene. A crazed sensory overload if there ever was one.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 53

"I want no inquiries made. I want no acts of vengeance. I want you to arrange a meeting, with the heads of the Five Families. This war stops now."

53. Don Vito Corleone
The Godfather

Even if he is the titular godfather, Vito is not the star. Rather he is simply the brilliant head of the family that the ensemble story revolves around. Yet he's probably the most popular character in the film.

And for good reason, of course! He's so likable and smart, and a such dedicated, honorable family man that you would almost forget that part of that family was the mafia. He was kind. He made his family seem safe.

Vito is a Don by title, but the same title could be given to Marlon Brando. A brilliant, dedicated actor, Brando performed another one of his dozen "roles of a lifetime". The paralell can be seen between Vito providing love and guidance to the next generation of mobsters and Brando teaching the next generation of great actors (Pacino, Caan, Duvall, etc.). No matter whether or not the old man is the star of the film or not, it will always be his show.

Defining moment: After going into retirement, Vito advises Michael on how his old enemies will move around the new godfather.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 54

"It's my head, Schwartz! It's my head!"

54. John Horatio Malkovich
Being John Malkovich

Failed puppeteer Craig Schwartz finally finds gainful employment as a filer at OrsonCorp, operated out of the very low-ceilinged 7 1/2 floor in the Martin Flemmer building. While filing, Schwartz finds a small portal that, when he enters it, transports whoever's inside into the mind of actor John Horatio Malkovich. They're able to observe and sense whatever Malkovich does for 15 minutes. Then they're inexplicably (well, more inexplicably than being John Malkovich for 15 minutes) dropped into a ditch right off the New Jersey Turnpike.

Yes, it seems like a cop out. John Malkovich is more or less just playing a slightly fictionalized version of himself in "Being John Malkovich," but he's more than a character. His entire character is the point of the film. A commentary on the philosophy of the mind. Both Schwartz and Malkovich's senses of self become skewed, as Schwartz proclaims "Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich?" It becomes a sense of confusion. The characters' mind-body dichotomy soon deteriorates as they all begin to combine into Malkovich's own psyche.

John Malkovich takes the strange self-character role and turns it on it's ear into a philosophical nightmare world. But a really really good one.

Defining moment: Malkovich Malkovich. Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. Malkovich? Malkovich. Malkovich, Malkovich Malkovich. Malkovich!



Malkovich.

I just wanted to mention that my 100th post on this site was about "O Brother, Where Art Thou"

That makes me extremely happy. Its really one of my favorite movies.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 55

"Pete, the personal rancor reflected in that remark I don't intend to dignify with comment. However, I would like to address your attitude of hopeless negativism--consider the lilies of the goddamn field...or hell, look at Delmar here as your paradigm of hope!"

55. Ulysses Everett McGill
O Brother, Where Art Thou?

You guys have no idea how long I've been waiting to do this one.

A wise-ass fugitive in Depression-era Mississippi, Everett is the dashingly smooth, fast-talking shyster type. Basically, he's an old-timey southern George Clooney in prison stripes.

Along with the brutish Pete and good-natured Delmar, Everett escapes from a chain gang claiming to be chasing the treasure he buried before his arrest. In reality, he's chasing his family to prevent his wife from remarrying because he's the damn paterfamilias.

On the way, the boys get sold out by Pete's cousin, meet blues musician Tommy Johnson and become (without their knowledge) music superstars, get caught up in abetting criminal George "Babyface" Nelson, and even secure the election of incumbent gubernatorial candidate Menelaus "Pappy" O'Daniels.

Like an Odysseus in pomade (Dapper Dan brand is preferred), Everett is a prideful sumbitch destined to prevent his wife from marrying her suitor. His journey forces him to face a blind seer, viciously beautiful sirens, and even a cyclops (John Goodman in an eyepatch). While these are obvious references to the Homer's epic story of the Odyssey (even the name Ulysses is the Latin language form of Odysseus), the Coens had no idea at first. There was a similar story and they decided to toss a couple dozen allusions to the novel into the film.

Despite his pride and sharp tounge, Everett is a still a likable fella. Why, hell, he's not too bad for a guy with a rough and rowdy past.

Defining moment: His first words and the very first lines of the whole film. Fleeing with Pete and Delmar, still all chained together, Everett hops onto a moving traincar where he asks the hobos dwelling it a simple question:

"Say, any of you boys smithies? Or, if not smithies per se, were you otherwise trained in the metallurgic arts before straitened circumstances forced you into a life of aimless wanderin'?"

Then he's pulled away because while he was busy asking something so ridiculous to a group of bums, he forgot that two other guys were running alongside the train and trying to catch up.

The runner-up to this scene would be anything else in the movie "O Brother, Where Art Thou?," with or without Everett.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 56

"Call it, friend-o"

56. Anton Chigurh
No Country For Old Men

Between Cormac McCarthy's writing, Javier Bardem's steely acting, and the Coen Brothers' ability to almost effortlessly make memorable characters, Anton Chigurh is a monster for the ages.

His unnatural relentlessness and nigh-unkillable nature make it seem like a horror movie villain was dropped into 1980s Texas, but Chigurh is worse than that. He doesn't kill without reason. He only kills those who might get in the way, women included. But almost always determined by a coin toss (because he's actually Harvey Dent).

There's no real explanation of who this cold assassin is (as he so famously said "What business of it is yours where I come from?") other than his merciless nature and Dorothy Hamill haircut. With the supernatural ability to track down his target and having neither mercy nor emotions, Chigurh is a man that, once you see him, you won't forget him.

Defining moment: When he chokes a policeman while in handcuffs. Look above. That is the face he makes while it happens.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 57

"We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah out of your assholes! I gotta be crazy; I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Oh, shit!"

57. Clark Griswold
National Lampoon's Vacation

Clark Griswold is a man on a mission. A mission of family fun. He packs his clan in the newly purchased Family Truckster and heads on a cross-country trip from Chicago (because John Hughes wrote this) to LA to visit "America's Favorite Family Fun Park:" Walley World.

As things slowly get worse and worse for the Griswolds, though, Clark grows more and more determined. Refusing to turn around even after facing countless mishaps ranging from car crashes, dead aunts, and sandwiches covered in dog piss, Clark's desire for family fun becomes a near-futile quest.

Chevy Chase's portrayal of Clark Griswold as going from great optimism to pure madness is awesome.

Defining moment: The Griswolds finally make it to Walley World, only to discover it's closed for the day. Clark, now a creature of blind rage and insanity, punches Walley mascot Marty Moose in the nose and proceeds to do what any of us would do in this situation: hold a security guard hostage and take hold of an empty amusement park.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 58

"Expecto Patronum!"

58. Harry Potter
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Yes, go ahead and laugh at this choice if you must. In all honesty, I was a bit wary myself, but Potter's films bring an added level to the books (no reading).

In all honesty, this is all on the actor in this case. The writer (JK Rowling, of course) has written seven books on this character, just about fully making a rounded character. It was pretty much all on Daniel Radcliffe in "Sorcerer's Stone" to make this character complete. To make him entirely three-dimensional. And he failed.

But you can't blame him, he was only a kid! As Radcliffe grew, he gained more knowledge of acting and as Harry transformed from wide-eyed child to angsty teen, so did he. And it shows. Yet, even for his occasional moodiness, Harry is still the hero, still empathetic and likable. To see a character brood and to still like him can prove to be a challenge for an actor, but Radcliffe is able to pull it off more than gracefully.

And he's stuck with this character for the rest of his goddamn life.

Defining moment: His rage-filled storm to Snape at the end of "Half-Blood Prince," calling him a coward and yelling at him to fight. The emotional distress in his voice and movements are just fabulous.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 59

"On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place"

59. Arthur, King of the Britons
Monty Python and the Holy Grail

The only sane (or the closest to such a thing in the Python universe) in medieval England, Arthur assembles a group of knights worthy enough to join the Round Table. Arthur and his knights (Sir Bedevere the Wise, Sir Lancelot the Brave, Sir Galahad the Chaste, Sir Robin, the Not-Quite-So-Brave-As-Sir-Lancelot, who nearly fought the dragon of Angnor, almost stood to the vicious chicken of Bristol, and who personally wet himself at the Battle of Baden Hill, and the aptly-named Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film) take on the lord's (less than) holy quest to seek the holy grail.

The King of England (except to constitutional peasants) retains a stone-faced quality throughout all the inherent silliness, breaking only in the most pressing of matters (like getting kicked in the face by persistent black knights). Graham Chapman's brilliant seriousness, and all the Pythons for that matter, is what made the troupe and their work so great: Never taking themselves seriously but pretending they did.

My favorite kind of comedy has always been asinine childish acts performed like respectful adults. And Python were the kings of that.

Defining moment:King Arthur's gallant entrance, astride on a beautiful horse (played by his assistant Patsy banging two coconuts together).

100 Greatest Movies Characters: 60

"You hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability. It is the sound of your death. Goodbye, Mr. Anderson."

60. Agent Smith
The Matrix

Cold, ruthless, hateful. Smith is a stone-faced computer program with a hatred for the humans he must keep in control.

An agent for the machines, the silken-voiced Smith runs on hate. He lives for it and despises his job of enforcing order in the Matrix, making sure humans follow the rules pushed by the machines and torturing them if they don't follow.

The interesting thing about the stony, stiff agent is that he's consistently interesting. Interesting amid the sea of uninteresting ideas that is "The Matrix," Smith manages to stay interesting even as the film's storylines get more bloated and more ridiculous.

Being a program, he has the abilities to be anywhere and do virtually anything to his target. Plus he can multiply himself, which is awesome, and can do AMAZING KUNG FU WHOAAAAA.

Defining moment: His speech to a captured Morpheus, where expounds on his thoughts about the humanity he keeps under control. He calmly explains how they are a virus. And he is the cure.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 61

"Don't you fucking look at me"

61. Frank Booth
Blue Velvet

Considering David Lynch's films feature characters that look like this:

and this:

It's saying something when Frank Booth is the most horrific thing he has created.

Unrepentantly perverted and violent, Booth revels in every awful deed from rape to murder to drugs (his narcotic of choice being, oddly enough, a canister of amyl nitrite, huffed like oxygen) in his evil empire located in the underground of sleepy Lumberton, North Carolina.

I don't care what I say about any other villain on this list. I don't care how many villains appear higher on this list. Frank Booth is the scariest motherfucker on this list. I blame that mainly on Dennis Hopper, who is an exceptionally freaky character actor and actually called Lynch to proclaim that he was Frank Booth.

Defining moment: His first scene. Huffing his way into slave/torch singer Dorothy Vallens's house, he proceeds to switch between two horiffic personalities: "Daddy," who violently beats and verbally abuses her, and "Baby," who brutally rapes her while uncontrollably sobbing

Like I said before, Frank Booth is a scary motherfucker.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 62

"Is there something you'd like to share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?"

62. Pee-Wee Herman
Pee-Wee's Big Adventure

A strange man-child has his precious bike stolen and embarks on a weird adventure to get it back. Before he had his own playhouse in puppet land, Pee-Wee Herman lived in California with his dog Speck and his beloved stupid bicycle.

The glory of Pee-Wee as a character is that he is, more or less, an immature idiot of a human being. Playing pranks, throwing tantrums, and being generally selfish is the nature of Paul Reuben's bratty character.

It's really hard to explain why a dickish man-child would appear on my list of favorite movie characters, but then again it's hard to explain why the adventures of said dickish man-child would be one of my favorite movies. It's a really well-crafted character in a really well-written and directed film. Pee-Wee's Playhouse raised me as a child even after it went off the air.

Pee-Wee's fucking awesome, you guys.

Defining moment: Okay I'm gonna have to WALL-E this one. So here are some of Pee-Wee's best moments in the film.

• His breakfast machine
• Wrestling his even brattier neighbor Francis in a pool
• Getting progressively more and more annoyed with the hobo he rides in a boxcar with
• Remembering the Alamo
• Telling a bar full of angry bikers "SHHHHHHHHH! I AM TRYING TO USE THE PHONE!"
• Dancing to "Tequila"
• Crashing his motorcycle near moments after getting it
• Completely fucking up an entire movie studio
• Rescuing an entire pet store from a fire, constantly avoiding the snakes until they're the only one left. He then runs out screaming while holding the snakes and passes out.
• His cameo as a bellhop in the movie about his life

Yeah, Pee-Wee Herman is cool.

It seems weird that as I approached the first of my John Hughes characters on this list, that the man himself should die.

John Hughes was a brilliant writer and director who created a couple of characters who appear later on this list. Despite his tendency to put younger characters into fairly broad stereotypes (the nerd, the jock, the slacker, etc.), he still had an amazing understanding of what it was like going through high school and being a teenager, no matter what clique you supposedly belonged to.

He ruled the 80s teen scene with hits like "The Breakfast Club," "Sixteen Candles," and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," drastically different material than what most teen comedies were churning out back then (see "Porky's." Don't actually see it, though, it's awful). He eventually branched out from the teen genre with slightly wackier family-friendly fare in the late 80s and early 90s in films like "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" and the "Home Alone" movies.

Even though I was born in 1990 and was thus unable to take part in the 80s teenage years, I still felt like here was a guy, no matter how old he was when he wrote those films, that he got me at a time where very few people even try to remember what it was like to be a teenager. I would honestly be lying if I didn't say that John Hughes shaped who I am today.

Thanks, John. Thanks for making it bearable to be a teenager.

Rest In Peace

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 63

"PB & J with the crusts cut off... Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch; all the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?"

63. John Bender
The Breakfast Club

A princess, a jock, a nerd, a basket case, a criminal, and a jock. They met once, but their lives changed forever. Who the fuck writes that shit? And why did it work so well? Blame John Hughes and his wonderful cast.

Every single character in "The Breakfast Club" worked in their own stupid stereotype because they felt closer to it. The best being Judd Nelson's portrayal of Bender (who is actually the namesake for "Futurama"'s robot). A troublemaker from a broken home, Bender is a tough guy with almost no qualms when it comes to letting people know what his life is like.

He has a special love for just plain pissing others off, needling nerd Brian about being a virgin and bugging Principal Vernon enough to net himself another eight weeks of detention. Yet even though he enjoys being a pain to others, he is still able to sacrifice himself to solitary confinement by causing a ruckus in the empty gymnasium. He's not too bad, he's just been hurt.

Defining moment: His impression of life at Brian's house mimicking an old '50s sitcom. Asked for an example of his own life, he displays an angry mother and physically abusive father. When jock Andrew calls bullshit on his "tough guy act," Bender shows him a cigar burn on his arm given by his father for spilling paint in the garage.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 64

"There are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking."

64. Daniel Plainview
There Will Be Blood

A manipulator, a misanthrope, a greedy son of a bitch. These traits gets a man to the top? In the case of Daniel Plainview, turn-of-the-century oil man, yes. Yes, they certainly do.

There is nothing outright likable about Plainview at first glance, or at second glance. Or third, for that matter. Fuck it, there's nothing likable about Daniel Plainview. He has no true redeeming qualities other than his brains, which he uses to plot how to get his next oil well.

His adoption of H.W. Plainview as his son and business partner only to project a status of family man shows what a sour man he truly is. He adopts a child and sacrifices the love and care that children need to further his own desires. When his child is grown and asks to be released from his partnership to start his own oil company, Plainview bluntly tells his son that he was adopted and then disowns him. He's more than likely the ugliest film character in recent memory, and that's what makes him unforgettable.

Defining moment: When he takes a break from his hectic life to sit down and enjoy a nice milkshake. Maybe he's not so bad after all.

Wait, that's not what happened? Oh...nevermind.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 65

"This deal is getting worse all the time"

65. Lando Calrissian
The Empire Strikes Back

Part 4 in a series of Star Wars characters

Lando is a lousy, scum-sucking sell-out who gives his best friend, rebel member Han Solo, to Boba Fett and Darth Vader. At least that's the general consenus on Lando. I have a slightly different opinion on him.

You see, as the administrator of Cloud City (a city in the clouds. Yes, like "The Jetsons"), Lando had a job first and foremost: protect the people of the city. He had to strike a deal when two of the most evil people in the galaxy come knocking at his door or else it would definitely get ugly.

Not only that, but he does redeem himself afterwards. Helping Leia, Chewie, R2-D2, and C-3PO escape, rescuing a now one-handed Luke from the underside of Cloud City, risking his life to rescue Han by going undercover in Jabba's Tattoine palace, and even BLOWING UP THE SECOND DEATH STAR.

I think by the end, Han and the others had forgiven him for his more than logical action. Why can't you?

Defining moment: His introduction, as he storms over to Han, angrily calling him a "double-crossing, no-good swindler." Only to welcome him with a big ol' friendly hug.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 66

"And my head I'd be scratchin'/While my thoughts were busy hatchin'/If I only had a brain."

66. The Scarecrow
Wizard of Oz

Man has always searched for knowledge. From the cavemen to Einstein to Hodgman, the quest for complete world knowledge is eternal. Turns out all you have to do is ask a fake magic man to give you a degree.

Dorothy Gale's first companion in her quest towards the Emerald City, The Scarecrow feels, because he has a head stuffed with straw and hay, he needs a brain. He feels this so strongly that he has to sing a song about it.

Scarecrow's desire is misguided, however, as he frequently displays moments of clear thinking and common sense. Many who interpreted the book as a political allegory view the Scarecrow as a reflection of the stereotyped American farmer - although he has been persuaded as nothing more than a rube or hick, he possesses strong common sense and a remarkable insight and quick-wittedness that only requires some self-esteem to have him push his abilities to their fullest extent.

Defining moment: When the Wizard gives him a brain, he displays his "newfound" intelligence and he rattles off an algebraic equation to prove it.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 67

"Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarbles, ya eunuch jelly thou!"

67. Alex DeLarge
A Clockwork Orange

Violence can be a funny thing sometimes, same with rape. Okay, well maybe not for us, but for a sociopathic nadsat living in dystopic England like Alex DeLarge? Yeah, definitely.

Our humble narrator and hero (well, anti-hero) for the entirety of Stanley Kubrick's adaptation, Alex travels foggy London town with his shaika of like-minded droogs, oobivatting and violating for teenage kicks and downing a few firegolds of Korova milk laced with synthmesc.

A fan of torture, as well, he takes part in a process that tests the Ludovico Technique, an experimental aversion therapy technique for rehabilitating criminals, during his time in prison. As he's forced to watch scenes of extreme cases of ultra violence and the old in out, in out, he is also fed drugs to induce revulsion, so that he will feel sick when presented with urges of violence or arousal. While this sickening act of torture is supposed to be satisfying for the audience (seeing the ultra violent rapist have the tables turned on him), it's clearly presented as disturbing.

Of course, that's the whole point of Alex as a character, to leave us razdrazled. To make us wonder who is worse in all this, the sociopath or the people who try to "cure" him of his societal ills? Of course, it could be neither of them. Maybe it's the audience who sits and watches these acts of depravity, you mouthy sods.

Defining moment: His home invasion and assault of a writer and the rape of the man's wife. All while warbling "Singing In The Rain." I'll never viddy Gene Kelly the same again.

Do I find it weird that I had to write my own name repeatedly throughout this post when talking about someone like Alex DeLarge? Yes, it's very weird.

Note: if you had a hard time ponying this article, feel free to consult this this Nadsat-English dictionary. I know it seemed hard and horny for me to write like this, but I had too much of a dobby raz doing it. You pony, right?.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 68

"She's gone. She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen"

68. Lloyd Dobler
Say Anything...

Heartbreak. One of the worst feelings a person can have. Loving somebody who won't love you back and the pain that comes with the realization that you can't have this person. It sucks, it hurts, and it's awful. Lloyd Dobler knows.

An underachiever and aspiring kickboxer, Dobler begins a relationship with intelligent but socially awkward valedictorian Diane Court (who looks like Ione Skye so there is no god damn way she is socially awkward). Lloyd seeks advice from both his sister and several close female friends who are seriously looking out for Lloyd's best interests in his first serious relationship.

But as Diane's father (Frasier's father) goes under investigation by the IRS for tax violations committed at his nursing home, she worries that she should be spending more time with him. Add on top of that the fact that Diane's dad doesn't approve of his daughter dating someone like Lloyd, and soon it's Splitville for the two of them.

Lloyd's crushing heartbreak as his first serious love goes kaput is a real downer and John Cusack is such a fine actor to make us all recall our own moments of love and loss.

Defining moment: Waiting outside Diane's window, blasting Peter Gabriel from a boombox above his head.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 69

"My Pussy Wagon died on me"

69. The Bride
Kill Bill

It seems odd that Quentin Tarantino, director of such sausage fest bonanzas as "Reservoir Dogs" and "Pulp Fiction," would be behind the most badass female character in the history of film.

The Bride, aka Beatrix Kiddo, is a character driven by one thing: revenge. Left for dead on her wedding day, Kiddo scours the globe looking for the people who put her in her near-irreversible coma, leading her to the mastermind of her planned assassination: her former leader and lover, Bill (oh and did I mention that Bill shot The Bride in the head after she said she was pregnant with his child? And that when she woke up from the coma, the baby was gone?)

Hacking and slashing her way through two movies, The Bride thoroughly destroys anyone in her path. Her ruthless determination even gains the respect of kung fu master Pai Mei, who teaches her the infamous "Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique" (which she eventually uses to finish of Bill, of course).

She drives a van called a Pussy Wagon (named after a lyric from "Grease Lightning"). She refused to kill Vernita Green in front of her daughter and when the child accidentally walks in on her mother getting killed, The Bride tells her that she'll be waiting if the child wishes to take revenge. She broke out of her own coffin when she was buried alive under six feet of dirt. The Bride > you.

Defining moment: Her complete annihilation at the House of Blue Leaves. She turns the Crazy 88s into the Crazy 2s

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 70

"Eeeeeeev-uhhhh"

70. WALL-E
WALL-E

Remember how I said Pixar was like a factory of beauty? Meet their finest product.

In a wasteland of a future, robots are charged with cleaning up the mess humans made until they come back (waiting for a sign of vegetation, you see). Of all the robots,(presumably) only one has lasted. A member from the line of WALL-E (Waste Allocation Load Lifter - Earth class) models who developed sentience and emotion, particularly a curiosity and fascination with interesting junk he picks up in his job (including lightbulbs, records, and piggy banks). His greatest preoccupation, however, is the musical "Hello Dolly!," which is one of his only traces of human knowledge. Well, it was his greatest preoccupation. That is, until EVE came along.

A sleek white, egg-shaped robot sent from the Axiom Starliner designed to search for a trace of vegetation on the planet, WALL-E falls in love with EVE (Extraterrestrial Vegetation Evaluator) from the first time he lays his binocular eyes on her. EVE, initially focused on her directive, warms up to the sweet trash compactor after a couple of goofy little interactions and even begins to develop feelings herself. Introducing her to a small plant he found causes EVE to shut off and procure a distress call to the ship that dropped her off. Waiting for the ship, WALL-E keeps her safe, protecting her from storms and such.

The amazing thing about WALL-E is that, as a robot, he is designed for nothing more than to compact trash, and while he accepts his lot in life he retains an optimism, an air of hope. Hope that everything in his adventure goes right. That hope allows him to keep pressing on in his mission even when he gets crushed. That hope is love, his desire to impress the love of his life, his desire to have another robot feel how he feels. WALL-E is by far the sweetest, most innocent character on this list. And I love him for it.

Defining moment: uuuuuugggghhhhh where to start in moments I love with WALL-E, I could use:

• His attempts to woo EVE, scored to Louis Armstrong's cover of "La Vie En Rose"
• The silly montage of his job as he discovers new junk (like a bra and an electronic car key)
• His protection of EVE after she shuts down
• His initial meeting with the obsessive compulsive M-O
• When he gets damaged and tells EVE to continue her directive instead of taking care of him
• His weakened frame holding up the holo-detector causing his body to jam and get crushed

I could use any of those amazing moments (yes, most of which make me cry), but my single favorite moment is around the beginning, as he's watching "Hello Dolly!" and sees how two characters fall in love and hold hands, he brings his own little shovel hands together to see how it's done. It's a beautiful little moment that, after all his antics a couple of minutes earlier, shows his compassion, his curiosity of life. Most of all, it shows his loneliness and his desire to have someone else feel like he feels.

Pixar made me cry over a robot. And not just once, but multiple times

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 71

"I am not a gun"

71. The Iron Giant
The Iron Giant

This is the single greatest thing Vin Diesel has done and will ever do.

In early October, 1957, a mysterious hunk of metal lands off the coast of Rockwell, Maine. When he eats a TV antenna from a house dangerously close to the woods, he attracts the young boy who lives there. When the metal-eating metal giant gets tangled up in active power station wires, the boy, named Hogarth Hughes, shuts the power off and saves him. The giant becomes ever grateful and befriends the boy.

Obviously when a giant metal man crashes in the sea near a small American town, it's bound to rouse the suspicion of certain government agencies. Enter Kent Mansley, a strong-chinned pompous US agent with an extreme case of paranoia. Convinced the creature is a threat, Mansley does everything in his power to take it down a notch.

What Mansley doesn't expect, of course, is that the creature is not a threat. Maybe. In all honesty, most things about the giant aren't that well known. Director Brad Bird was smart enough to keep the audience in the dark about, well, just about everything. Even though he may not normally be a threat, he apparently has some sort of command built within him to destroy whatever threat approaches him.

But he still would never naturally hurt a fly. When Hogarth introduces him to comic books, he's compared to the giant killer robot Atomo. The giant never wants to be Atomo, he prefers to be seen as well-known hero Superman. He's a kind spirit who is taught by a newfound friend the value of compassion and life.

Defining moment:As a missile threatens to destroy Rockwell in the film's climax, the giant, remembering the stories of Superman, chooses to sacrifice himself to save the town. As he blasts off into space, barreling down on the missile, he remembers Hogarth's words about how "you are who you choose to be." Right before his collision, he closes his eyes and says a single final word: "Superman."

Yeah, tearing up again.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 72

Okay, so these next three finish up my animated film quotient. These would be farther apart, but they have three of the biggest emotional moments for me and if I didn't put them together, I would be fucked up for so much longer than I will be.

"Look, you're really cute, kid, but I don't know what you're saying! Say the first thing again!"

72. Marlin
Finding Nemo

Anyone who's ever been a child faced with even a modicum of danger knows that a parent can sometimes, well, overreact. They soon become clingy for a short while, watching over you to make sure you don't have some sort of breakdown after a scare. And once in a while, these overreactions will tend to carry for a longer time. Marlin, the neurotic clown fish of "Finding Nemo" is one of those parents.

Losing his wife and all but one (now damaged) egg to a fierce (ooooh) barracuda, Marlin puts his over-protective parent mode into overdrive and constantly fears for his son's life. Nemo, fed up with his father's worrying, goes against Marlin's heed and ends up getting captured. A now frantic Marlin begins tracing him down before quickly running into a blue tang named Dory who lacks a short-term memory. Dory, a cheery, dopey yin to Marlin's tired, fearful yang, offers her help to the exasperated clown fish.

Of course, Marlin's own worrywart lifestyle leads to many of the disasters he must face. His urge to leave a vegan shark meeting gets Dory's nose broken, causing the blood to rouse a reformed great white. His distrust of those around him leads him to ignore what a school of fish told Dory and almost kills the both of them from jellyfish stings.

Marlin, even though he's searching for his son, finds a childlike figure in the forgetful Dory. Constantly telling her what is or isn't a good idea or what she can or can't do. In fact, one of the best scenes in the film (and what could have been the defining moment for him if it wasn't for the actual moment) comes when Marlin realizes he's been treating Dory exactly like his son. Inside a whale, Dory, an expert whale linguist, hears the whale tell them to drop down his throat. An obviously scared Marlin yells as he hangs for dear life, "No, you can't! You think you can do these things but you can't, Nemo!" It's a brilliant scene that changes Marlin for the rest of the movie.

Defining moment: Take a look at the picture above. The death of his kids and wife breaks Marlin so bad, that when he sees one remaining, albeit broken, egg, he gently clutches it in his fin and promises his unborn child that he'll never let anything happen to him. It's two minutes into the film and we bond with a character and gain a deep understanding of what he goes through for the rest of the movie. Pixar is an honest-to-god factory of beauty and the fact that they have us connect with something as odd as a fish is absolutely astonishing.

I was literally tearing up as I was writing that last paragraph.

A dickload of songs I've recorded of myself, but never posted here

Check 'em out, jerks

"Who Are You" - The Who: From the album "Who's Next." Who who who who who who who who

"Black Hole Sun" - Soundgarden: The Ninetieeeeeeeees

"Private Eyes" - Hall & Oates (contains much clapping): Privaaaate eyes /CLAP They're watching you /CLAP CLAP

"Africa" - Toto (done for a friend who complained about the song): The Eightieeeeeeees

"Fuck Her Gently" - Tenacious D (prompted someone to call my voice "sexy" so I guess I did something right with it): Best listen close for ultimate sexiness

"Tom Sawyer" - Rush (contains silly intsrument impressions, stupidly loud falsettos, and me forgetting the ending to the song and having it become "Spoonman" for whatever reason): /keyboard solo

"Open Arms" - Journey (I think I did a damn good job here): This and Devo's "Workin In A Coal Mine" are the two biggest swerves on the "Heavy Metal" movie soundtrack.

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 73

"Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in! Not by the hair of your chiny-chin-chins? Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!"

73. Jack Torrance
The Shining

A failed and stressed writer, Jack Torrance takes his family to his new job house-sitting the quiet and peaceful (ALERT ALERT) Overlook Hotel so that he can try to work on his story. Slightly unhinged from the start of the film, Jack begins to go madder and madder as the demons inhabiting the hotel start getting to him.

After a few months, with his novel going nowhere, Jack starts to slip into alcoholism by frequenting the hotel ballroom's bar. One day he comes upon a costume party in the ballroom and meets the former caretaker (said to have taken in his life due to cabin fever) who tells Jack to "correct" his wife and child. Needless to say things start to go pretty bad at that point what with the axe and the chase through the hedge maze.

Jack Nicholson is pretty out there anyways, so transforming into Jack (the character) was a pretty easy task. The great thing about Jack (the character) is that he's not even there from the start as he lashes out as his wife and it's only a short time until he descends into total madness.

Defining moment: When he's looking down at the hedge maze, it represents such a stark

Hahaha fuck you guys, you know what his defining moment is and because I can't accurately express the tension and horror of that scene, you get a SPECIAL VIDEO PRESENT WOWWWWWW YOU GUYS!



And for those of you too jarred to even think about that scene, here's some Yakety Sax (which I'm sure most of you are going to watch more than the actual scene. Seriously, watch the first video and then come back down here to ease your nerves)

100 Greatest Movie Characters: 74

"To infinity! And beyond!"

74. Buzz Lightyear
Toy Story

Yeah, that's right. Two "Toy Story" characters. Deal with it.

Unlike the extremely grounded Woody, Buzz is an optimist, perhaps too much of one. You see, Buzz is a bit deluded. He believes that, instead of being a toy, he is an actual ranger of Star Command, devoted to defeating the forces of the Evil Emperor Zurg. Convinced his ship (the rocket-shaped package he came boxed in) has crashed on a strange planet, Buzz treats the other toys as other-worldly creatures, acting as an ambassador for Star Command.

Buzz (much like Skee-lo) is a dreamer. Even with all the mounting evidence that he's just a fancy action figure with a laser light and karate chop action, he still tries to hang on to his fantasy world. Much in the same way as Woody represents a more humane outlook on life, Buzz represents the fantastic approach. It's a fight between what we know and what we would like to think. Even in the sequel where he's fully aware that he's a toy, he still has the idea to organize a massive rescue mission.

Out of everyone on this list, Buzz is the one who personifies his own quote the most. He goes beyond his own extremes, to try to achieve his most impossible fantasies.

Defining moment: Either his hilariously triumphant "falling with style" or his heartbreaking attempt to actually fly, resulting in broken wings and broken dreams.